In Limbo

We are still waiting on the contracts and my genetic testing. So right now we are just waiting, nothing is happening except angry calls and pacing. I am just so ready for this part to be over. It does not help that I have a whole month off, which just adds to the waiting. I am currently in that space between one thing is about to end and another is about to begin. A month from now I will wish that I had this time back, but at the moment it is a bit overwhelming.

Getting my hopes up is just not something that I can allow myself at the moment. I am afraid that if my expectations are not met that I will just become more numb than I am now. Over the years I have dealt with all the disappointments by just growing a tougher skin. Each scab that has gotten pulled just leaves a thicker skin, and it is now to the point where I am afraid it will turn to stone.

Part of me believed that once we got this process started I might begin to soften, as if moving forward would be like an exfoliate. This has not been the case, it is not getting any worse which is wonderful, but it is also not getting any better. It is not a bad thing, it just is and for right now that is okay. Just being is not something that I have been able to do in a long time. In fact, it has been so long that I find it a bit uncomfortable, almost anxiety provoking in fact.

All these years have changed me. Some of the things have been for the best, but some have not. Maybe that is what this time is for. I need to redefine who I am now, learn where I fit now. Spending years as the inactive infertile has left me complacent. I guess for now it is just growing pains.