thank you all (my new shiney surrogacy support)

i thought that no one but my mom read this site, and i thought she only read it in case there was a pop quiz. (I LOVE YOU MOM) after my up all night post, i have gotten so many amazing responses. so now i cry about how lucky i feel that there are so many amazing people out there who want to offer their support. this has been a theme with me over the past year, if i am not crying because i am sad, it is because i am happy. i'll get over this, i better get over this.
so now i have all these brand new shiney friends. joebob will be so happy, he is no longer the only person for me to talk at (he doesn't respond, or if he does i am talking over him).
speaking of the husband. in my previous post i talked about the things he had bought for the baby. when i told him, he wanted to know if i had taken pictures. really, you think i should take pictures? he wants his first triumph as a dad to be thoroughly documented, and i really can't blame him. so here are the pictures of what he did.
before we get to the pictures, we have decided to give the kiddo a blog name. JELLY, we decided on this cause first it is cute, and second it combines our favorite boy and girl names.
so... jelly this is your daddy's first accomplishment as your daddy.

lets count, 5 shirts/outfits 2 bottles (their are 5, but whose counting)

the guy in the moon is Jerry Garcia. he is not related to us, but your daddy and i think he is great, so you will get to know him well. this will be your daddy's department, so don't tell him i introduced you.
here is your first concert shirt. the actual show took place before mommy and daddy were born, but you won't be able to read, and it isn't that important, you'll look cool.
mommy has a turtle obsession and daddy has a grateful dead obsession, thankfully the dead combined the two many years ago.


so there you have it, jelly. your daddy can buy you clothes and mommy can take pictures of them, what else do you need. we can't wait to dress you and take your picture.

to all the rest of you, thanks for indulging the crazy lady. more importantly thank you all for reaching out, it really warms the heart, i hope i can return the favor one day.

finding support through a surrogacy journey

this is one of those nights where sleep has eluded me, so insomnia you win. this also means that i have sat in the dark, alone with just my thoughts, because nick at nite needs to change their lineup. so i have been looking for more women like me. i know that they are out there, but apparently you have to know some secret handshake, because every time i apply to one of their groups i get told i am blocked. i have no idea what i have done to rank this banned status, frankly i have done nothing. this just makes me mad.
the majority of the support seems to revolve around the surrogates, which is great, but i need people too. my family and friends are wonderful, and they try so hard to be supportive and understand what this is like. just like i will never know what it feels like to be pregnant, they will never fully know what this feels like.
to all those who control access to your secret world of support:
i am not some crazy stalker, i am not trying to sell you anything, i am not a secret agent, i just need a place where people who know what this is like will listen to me from time to time. i will send you references, all my friends think that i am a good person. at times, rare though they may be, i have even been known to be insightful and supportive.
you would think that this would not be so difficult. i have read blogs of women who belong to these groups and they all seem nice enough. all i want is a place where i can talk about stuff and actually have people understand.
i know i sound pathetic at the moment, but i just can't take the rejection anymore. i was that kid no one wanted to play with, i have been the outcast and freak for so long, and 15 years after i had gotten over that, here i am again. only this time this is serious. these are real adult issues.
oh well, i have held my own before, and i have an amazing group of women who would walk through fire for me. honestly i could not ask for more understanding friends. i am amazed at this group of people who love me. i probably should not say this, but if i had to go through this with me i might have walked already.
over the past year i have become a crazy woman on one mission, to become a mother. my mom would tell you that i was born on that mission, and she would not be wrong. i have wanted a family from the moment i understood the concept. over the past year though there is an urgency, as compulsion, a drive to have a child to raise.
joebob asked me the other day why i wanted a child. my response was to look at him and shrug my shoulders. words can not be used to describe what i need, this is no mere want, i want to be a size 2, i need to be a mother. he wants to understand this, it is just a bit beyond his realm of comprehension. this in no way implies that he does not want a kiddo, he just is not compelled to have one. he gets just as crazy about this as i do, the other day he ordered baby clothes. i had no idea he even knew babies needed clothes, this is the man who wants a legal document absolving him from ever changing a diaper. but there they were, baby clothes, in baby sizes ordered by my husband, i know this because i asked for identification. then at the bottom of the box, baby bottles, bottles one would use to feed a baby, bought by joebob himself. i love this man.
with all the crap that infertility throws at you, there are also these small gifts. through this awful process, that tears me apart and makes me want to pull mine (and at times other peoples') hair out. i have fallen in love all over again with this man who has stood beside me through all of this. he may not understand why i am so crazy about this, he may get annoyed, feel pushed aside, and wonder who this woman is who ate his wife, but he is always supportive. i have heard people say that building a house will tear a couple apart, well constructing a domicile is nothing compared to constructing a child through surrogacy.

surrogacy story

so many times surrogacy gets a bad name in the press, be it surrogates fighting for custody or worse intended parents rejecting the child because they were the wrong sex. here is a story, sad as it is, that shows how supportive the majority of the people in the world of surrogacy can be for each other. please read haily's story, it is worth the time. being in the weeds of this process can cause a drop in one's faith of the kindness of others. when i see that there are people out there so willing to give of themselves i just have to share.