Thursday, November 20, 2008

Empty

Empty…. Head, arms, soul, heart. Busy…. Mind, life, schedule.

These are the reasons that I have not been writing. These are also the reasons that I should be writing.

Thanksgiving, Christmas and all associated activities are coming at me like the fast pitch machine at the batting cages. Problem is that I was never good at sports; in fact, I was horrible, that whole hand-eye coordination thing just never worked well for me. For years, I have filled up my time to avoid the hurt that comes with family holidays, not my actual family, the one member we want to add. There was comfort in years past being so busy that I barely had time to think about how soul crushing it can be not to be able to have the one thing you really want.

My mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, in years past I rattle off a few things and be done with it or at the very least come up with something in a day or two. This year there was a silent pause filled with tension and pain. We both know what we want, I want to be a mother and she wants to be a grandmother, something that seems so simple and so elusive at the same time. "Next year we will go to the toy store, next year we will have a baby." Was my mantra for the holidays. Only this year that will not work, at most next year we will be expecting our child, but I am too afraid to think that way right now. That way of thinking just makes the next year worse.

I love spending time with my family over the holidays and we have a ton of fun. Still there is emptiness. When we look at the stockings and talk about how hard it will be to find a similar one for the baby, or pretend to savor the extra sleep that we get on Christmas morning, all I am really doing is easing the pain. Yes, being able to set the table the day before with worrying that little hands will break the crystal makes our lives easier. Of course, it is fun to have a relaxed dinner on Christmas Eve, pleasant not to hear, "Can we open the presents yet?" a thousand times, well a thousand more times than my sister, and I ask. All these wonderful things are just ways to comfort myself, because the truth is I will not miss them for a second, nor will they matter when "Thank You" is replaced by giggles, and the boxes are so much more fun than the toy inside.

This year will be exciting and we will have fun, because we always have fun. We will skirt the issue and talk about Christmases in the future when Santa will need cookies and little voices wake us at the crack of dawn. At Christmas, more than the rest of the year, my infertility becomes more than our loss, it becomes my entire family's loss, my parents have no grandchildren, my sister has no niece, and worse my grandmother's have no great-grandchildren. They want this just as much as we do, it makes it so hard, not because of anything they do, but because I want to give them the one thing, I cannot give them. I am so fortunate to have a family who is so supportive, has never once made me feel bad, and most importantly would do anything to make this dream a reality.

22 comments:

Intending To Be Parents said...

I know of what you speak. I am wishing for you that this quickly approaching new year will bring you your dream. We wouldn't be at the place we are now without that wonderful support of our family - of everyone else who wants this so badly too. You have the family support in place and the pieces of the puzzle will come together, I just know it will. Hang in there.

Kim said...

I am so sorry that you feel sad right now. I think you are such a great person. You will make a great mother. Have you looked for a GS yet? Are you gonna use a GS? I am sorry for not knowing all of this. I just recently started reading your blog when you started reading mine. Best Wishes

Jaymee said...

Kim, We are using a GS and ED. I should put that somewhere permanent, huh. Will get to work on that.

Cyn said...

Oh Jaymee, thank you for putting that into words. It's something that a lot of us forget or just don't realize.
I know it's been said, but it really will be so much more special for you when it does happen. You will not take a second of vomiting and snotty noses for granted.

I won't say next year will be better, but someday you will have a very special and loved baby in your arms and that will beat every Christmas ever!!

bumpfairy said...

Jaymee..... if you're not matched in 6 months, call me. Next Christmas you'll at least have a big bump to fondle if I have any say about it. And as I am as God-like as they come, I contend that I do have a say......... ;-)

Silver said...

I am just catching up on your blog. It is an amazing journey you are documenting, your strength and insight always amaze me.

I can't wait until you can make all your dreams a reality. The holidays can sure be a difficult time until then. So take care and good luck!

p.s. congrats on your sisters engagement!

TABI said...

I know what you mean about the holidays and I especially know what you mean about feeling like you want to give your family the one thing that for whatever reason is not happening. I started to not want to tell my family about my IVFs because I felt like I was not only disappointing myself with the losses but my entire extended family. They never said anything to make me feel bad but I felt a collective sense of loss wanting to announce good news or better yet bring home a baby on a holiday. Anyway, I hope you enjoy these holidays and find hope in a new year! I am very glad that your family is supportive and one day we will have that dream come true.

Elana Kahn said...

The holidays can be such a downer for IF couples. I do hope that by this time next year you have something to be very thankful for! Here from ICLW.

Andrea said...

I'm so sorry. The holiays are such a sucky time for us infertiles. Here's hoping we both have babies on the way next holiday season! ((HUGS))

ICLW

Amy said...

As many others, I know exactly how you feel here. My mom and I were out shopping and she was bugging me about what I wanted for Christmas all day. I couldn't think of anything but the obvious. Then we saw the cutest little girl. My mom pointed out to me that my hair was the same blond little curls when I was her age. That's when I choked back some tears and said that's what I want for Christmas. I feel so bad because I know that's what she wants too. Hope you have happy holidays even if you're not getting the one thing you want.

ICLW

Kristin said...

I am so sorry the impending holidays are bringing you such sadness. I hope and pray you will find a way to have that baby you long for.

K said...

I am so sorry for you sadness right now. I understand, it toof forever for us to have our first child and it is taking just as long for our second! I am hoping that you battle will be over soon!

Michelle said...

I have no great words but send you my love and support. *hugs*

Michelle said...

I wish I had something inspiring to say but I know exactly how you feel and I am having this same problem myself. I hope you have a great holiday season despite the obvious things that are missing. Hang in there...one day...hopefully soon. ((HUGS))

MrsSpock said...

I remember having the same conversation in years past. "What do you want for Christmas?" Now that that wish has been fulfilled, the answer is still, "Nothing.", because I already have everything I ever wanted. I hope you will be able to say the same in future years.

ICLW

IdleMindOfBeth said...

ICLW

I hear you, too loud and too damn clear. This is the 5th Christmas we've been through since we started down this road, and each one is more difficult than the last.

I'd gladly give up the quiet(ish) Christmas morning to hear that squeal of delight @ Santa's generosity.

Wising you peace and sanity throughout this brutal season.

Seriously? - Erin said...

ICLW. I am so sorry that the holidays are bringing you so much pain. They can be very difficult for anyone suffering.

I hope there are happier holidays ahead.

alicia said...

Christmas can be such a hard time when it comes to IF stuff, I am so sorry you have another Christmas to spend this way, I hope it is your last one. But it sounds like you have good coping mechanisms in place to help get you through this time and still have fun! that is hugly important :)

take care

here from ICLW

Mo and Will said...

It is so tough when all you want is to be a mom and you're not. As you say so well not just for yourself but for your whole family.

Hang in there Jaymee!

Thanks for your recent comment on our blog as well.

Mo

www.lifeandloveinthepetridish.blogspot.com

Sam said...

that is such a beautiful and moving post. I don't envy your situation, but I do envy your talent in being able to write like this.

Stacie said...

Jaymee, I am so sorry that this season is bringing such pain and that feeling of hollowness. I have been there, too. I do hope that the next holiday season brings you that one thing you want more than anything else.

ICLW

Duck said...

CHristmas is the hardest time of the years for everyone who is missing that big something in their life, so many Christmas's of wishing, wanting, and not having a family. I hear you.
From one intended mom to another, someday, somehow, somewhere you will be a mother.