Take That!!!!

Our BETA number is so good that we are not even having another. Sunday would have been the normal day to test. Since we are insane TTC people that would not work so we had a pratice one on Friday. So I guess you want to know what that amazing number is, because it is so amazingly wonderful that I might just be taking it to college at 10. Oh, something that I need to tell you first the baby has a name Cletus! Since we live in the south no need to worry that the kid will be made fun of, Cletus will fit right in.

Oh yeah you wanted to know the number. How about 139! That is an awesome number.









239 is a much better number and just happens to be ours!!!!!

How I lost the ability to count!

I promised you the transfer house of horrors story.

The day before the transfer I called the clinic to confirm our appointment. At that time I went over what our wishes were. What I thought was a very clear conversation that was understood, I was so very wrong.

We, Sabrina and I, get to the transfer on time which was no easy feat in the pouring rain. Thankfully, the hospital has valet parking, of course I think that the grocery store should have valet parking but that is another story entirely. Everything is going well. Sabrina got all geared up. Embryologist comes into talk with us, and this is where I should have known something was up. She shows me two pictures of very adorable embies. I do not want to know the gender until maybe 20 weeks and I am seriously considering waiting till birth.

We go back to the transfer room. Sabrina gets all strapped in, lights are turned down, and the doc calls for the embies, as in plural. To tell you the truth I did not even really hear him. Sabrina turns to me and asks if we are transferring two. Since this whole adventure began the husband and I have been fanatical about only transferring one at a time. It is something that we feel very strongly about, our lives and personalities are just better suited to parenting one child.

After some prodding I ask if they are aware that we are only transferring one embryo, open flood gates of misery. The doctor stands up and walks over to me, all 6 foot plus of him while I am sitting on a tiny surgical stool, and starts talking about lower percentages of success with just one, blah, blah blah. The problem was that he did not stop there, he asked five times, in five ways, to get me to agree to both embies. Not only was I willing to do two, but I could not have made that decision even if I did want to transfer both. The husband was almost a thousand miles away and unreachable that the time. How many children we purposefully have is not a decision that I could make without consulting with him. Finally, I just said we are only doing only one in a big girl voice that made him stop pestering me or at least I thought.

The embryologist finished prepping the single embryo and brought it into the room. At this point I was just elated to be almost finished with the whole thing and just get out of there. “You do realize that there is only a 30% chance of this working. I really hope this one works for you,” all said with the most condescending bordering on accusatory voice coming out of the doctor’s mouth. Basically, he was making sure that I understand that if this transfer did not take I was fully to blame. I wanted to scream and run out the room after stomping on his foot, but I decided to be a normal person and just wait. After the transfer no words were spoken to us by the doc, which was fine with me.

The more I have thought about the situation the angrier I get, which is very rare for me. 99.9% of the time things bother me for a day and then I am over it or at least very close to being over the situation. Not this time, because there are some very fundamental things wrong with this whole situation that could have had serious consequences for not only my family’s life but also Sabrina and her family. The responsibility that I feel for Sabrina and her family is overwhelming at times. Pregnancy is risky, we all know this, but when that risk is being taken on by someone who only wants to see you happily become a family it creates a need to do everything to reduce any risks. As a mother your first priority is the safety of your child, as an intended mother my first priority is to the woman who is giving our family the chance to grow.

In the eye of this fury hurricane I lost my ability to count. So if you have made it this far you get to hear the real news. Because our BETA would fall on a Sunday the nurse agreed to give us an order for a BETA today. At 8dp5dt our number is a 71!!!! Next BETA Monday!

Short Update

The transfer happened, I promise to get the whole story, let's just say some good and some bad.

Practice BETA 2/9

First Real BETA 2/11

Almost There

Well at 2 pm cst, we will be doing the transfer thing again. Keep all appendages crossed that this is the one. I will do my best to update as soon as I can. Of course, me being me I forgot my computer cord, so updating may take a little bit.

Meet Guilt and Questioning

Okay, so here is the update that I have been promising you. Sabrina started her meds the day after Christmas in preparation for our January 28^th FET. To tell you the truth I have given very little thought to the whole thing, but more on that later. We had a wonderful Christmas with my family, so wonderful that I did very little thinking about the whole baby thing at all. For once I was really able to just be in the moment and enjoy the time that I had with the people who I love, instead of being distracted by that non-existent human who has haunted me for so many of the previous years. I am so grateful that I was able to just live in the moment, because they are beautiful moments.

For Christmas I gave the husband a trip to San Francisco to see two members of the Grateful Dead play on New Years Eve. To everyone’s shock, mine mostly, I was able to keep this from him. I am horrible about not being able to keep secrets from him, so this was a major accomplishment. It has been a couple of years since we have taken a proper vacation, and although this one was short it was amazingly wonderful. Between school and just day to day life we get very little time to just really be together. We partied way too hard on New Years Eve and spent the next day paying for it, but it was still the most fun I have had in a long time.

During all this fun and acting way younger than we apparently are, I had a profound moment. For just a tiny moment I questioned whether I really wanted to be a mother. Let’s face it a kid is not going to allow us to have much time with each other just being silly kids ourselves. As usual this fleeting thought brought along two friends, meet guilt and questioning.

I live in this constant state of fear about being a good mother, which I know is natural, but that fear quickly turns to guilt in the blink of an eye. I put so much more pressure on myself because of the infertility. The fact that we must go to extremes to have a child has made me feel the need to be the perfect mother, something I know full well does not exist. Every time I even entertain the idea of living without a child or start to enjoy moments that I know will be few and far between once our child is here I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. No matter how irrational I know this all is, the feelings never seem to change.

Part of all of this is that I still, and always will, feel responsible for my infertility. Yes, I have PCOS which was going to make getting pregnant very difficult at best, but at the end of the day I know that I did this to myself. Really, there was very little choice in the matter, having periods from 2 to 6 months did not leave me with a life. The uterine ablation was the only chance I had at living a “normal” life and there is not a moment that I ever regret making that decision. The fact remains that it was a decision. Unlike the vast majority of women in the world of infertility, I walked into a hospital and signed a consent form to make myself forever infertile. Which also makes me feel guilty about ever calling myself an infertile, because medical conditions caused me to get to that point but in the end I put the final nail in that coffin.

I know that I want to be a mother as much as I want to breathe. I know that parenthood is going to be a great new chapter in our relationship. I also know that I am going to miss these amazing moments that we have together as just a couple. My world is a wonderful place, I am married to the man who was really my best friend before we ever got romantic and no matter where life has taken us we have maintained this friendship. Our world will be an even better place when our child is finally with us.

a quick word

we just got back from spending time with family for the holidays. unfortunately, one of our journeys came with a parting gift, SICKNESS!!!! i promise to give you all a very long update, but this will have to do for now, as i am pretty sure that my body is going to fall into a billion pieces at any moment.

Giving Up To Gain

I should be writing here, I know that when I am avoiding this space that it is when I need to be here most. Last week the failed transfer just hit me. Life had finally calmed down enough that I was able to catch my breath and that first deep breath was filled with all the crap that we have gone through this past month.

What surprised me most is that there was very little sadness. The guilt is just overwhelming, a guilt that I truly believed I was over. Over the many years I have had to process what it really means to me to be infertile, it was always the guilt that made me feel the worst. A guilt that came from being a burden. My body would not work right, which meant denying myself and others another child to love. It was/is costing us a small (HUGE) fortune to make this child come to fruition, money that could be used for other purposes. My emotional baggage from all of this turned me into a miserable person to be around, either the tears or the rage kept me from being a person who was pleasant. `

In the middle of my big pity party, the husband said something. He said that without all of this I would not be the person I am. Which got me thinking. Yes, this has changed me in ways that are both good and bad. More importantly though, without all of this we would not be creating our family in such a beautiful and amazing way.

Surrogacy would never be the first choice of anyone to create a family. Being able to give up so much to gain something so huge is not easy. At times it feels like walking through a minefield, the other side is amazing but every step is filled with anxiety and fear. Having another family come into your life forever is not always easy, for all the same reasons that no relationship is ever easy. I am so grateful that we found someone who is so easy for us to work with, someone who just fits so perfectly into our lives. Like all relationships you have to be ready to fully let someone into your life. I had to really look at what was important to me in creating our family.

Giving up control. Giving up so many moments. Fearing that all the worst would happen. It is easy to say that you would do anything to have a child, but walking into the world of surrogacy really challenges that idea. Going into this process carrying all the pain, hurt, anger, and fear increases the chances of having a very miserable journey. I am not saying that it is ever possible to rid yourself of all this, but having these be the primary emotions of your life is just going to serve to make everyone miserable.

I will be the first to admit that I am so lucky, blessed, glitter covered, or whatever you want to call it to have Sabrina. It is easy to trust someone who is as open, confident, and sure of herself. I am able to trust her with such ease and for that I am truly grateful. Yes, this is not the first way that I would have chosen to create our family. Now that I am here I cannot imagine not creating our family through surrogacy. For all that we have given up, we have gained so much. We are on the receiving end of the closest thing to true altruism that many people will ever experience, and that is a beautiful and amazing way to bring a child into the world.