Monday, November 30, 2009

holidays, again

Wanting a child that is not here has always been hard. So, I am not sure why I really thought this year would be different. Being closer than I have ever been to becoming a mother has made this holiday season almost unbearable. Really, I just did not expect this.

When the transfer did not work, I was really okay. Other people were way more upset than I was and really that bothered me. Not because I was upset with them, but because it really made me realize just how many people want this for me and for themselves. I have always known that my parents and sister want a new addition to our family, and I carry an extreme amount of guilt for not being able to just give this to them. It was all the other people in my life that I had just never really thought about. I am so thankful that there are so many people who are going to love this child, I just wish that there was not the disappointment.

Over Thanksgiving, we just stayed home. Part of the reason was that the husband was a bit sick, but the biggest reason was that I could just not face being around people who felt badly for me. I hate the pity more than I hate the infertility. Yes, it sucks there is nothing about this that is fun, but it is the hand we have been dealt and we are dealing with it. Failure is just a part of this, and having everyone know about the failure is a horrible part. The comfort is wonderful but for me it always seems to come along with pity, and it is very possible that I am just reading it that way.

Maybe this will be the last holiday season that I feel this way, and maybe I still have many more ahead of me. You just never know, but whatever happens I am going to be okay because I have no other choice. A very long time ago I decided that infertility was never going to get the best of me. Parts of me are forever changed and not all those changes are for the better, but in the end I refuse to be beaten by this. I refuse to have the fact that I am infertile forever define my life. If I end up with a child or not, I refuse to be the person who lost herself to a medical diagnosis. Right now, I am not sure that I am doing a very good job of this, but I am doing the best that I can. My life is still happening and I am still standing and for today I will call that a victory.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


a dear and wonderful friend of mine is in more pain than i can possibly comprehend. her 2 year old son, lincoln, choked to death yesterday while at daycare. no parents should ever outlive their child, and i am unable to even imagine the amount of pain that she and her family are experiencing at the moment.

to make the situation even worse, they were between health insurance coverage. the costs are piling up quickly. we are organizing a relief fund for the family, if you would like to assist Frances and Brandon please contact me at

frances has been a huge support for me in my pursuit of parenthood, and this is just one small way that i can assist her in a time of great sorrow.

please keep Frances and Brandon, and Corbin who lost his little brother in your prayer and thoughts. they need as much healing and support as we can give them.

here is a link to the news story. Lincoln Weathers

Monday, November 16, 2009

back to the drawingboard

the second beta confirmed that sabrina is not pregnant. the number was 8.6, so we doubled backwards which is about par for course with my life.

i really thought that i would be very upset by this news, but really it has not been difficult at all. i am more concerned about sabrina and how she is feeling than about myself. this is really one of the nice parts about surrogacy, i have someone other than myself to focus on when bad things happen.
the plan right now is that we will cycle again in january, with one of our 9 totsicles. the reason for the delay is that our clinic does not do cycles in december for the obvious reasons. no one from the clinic has contacted me yet, i heard the news from sabrina, so i am not exactly sure of the details yet. she is supposed to speak with the doctor tomorrow so i will update when i know more.

the update may be a little late, as i will be attending the funeral of my great aunt. she passed away on sunday.

thank you all for the positive thoughts, prayers, and encouragement, it means so much to me.

Friday, November 13, 2009


Sorry that this post is coming so late, but I just found out myself. Apparently, everyone at the clinic has their heads up their butts today. The number is not great, but we all know that not great still makes it just fine. They want to see anything over 5 and we have 19.5, so not great but good. I think that we just have a very slow grower. The pregnancy tests, regular and digital, are all saying positive so who knows at this point.

I am super emotional because I am sick and I just want something to go right.

sorry i forgot to add that we are 9dp5dt. next beta is monday.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

bad blogger!!

i know i have been horrid at updating! i just got home from dallas on tuesday night and now i have pneumonia! everything went wonderfully. we had a great time with the family and a perfect transfer of a perfect single embryo, plus we have 9 to freeze. BETA is tomorrow and i promise to be better about letting you know that number.

here are some pictures from the transfer to hold you over. in the spirit of not taking this whole thing so seriously we decided to dress a little crazy. i tried to get a pink wig, but waited too late and could not find one.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


This is a day that I have been waiting for, 12 long years of waiting, tears, sadness, anger, pain, fear, all culminating in this one day. Not that I really believe that this is it and after today everything will magically go back to normal, because after IF nothing is ever normal again.

On the day that I went in to give up my uterus, somewhere in the back of my head I just knew that all my hopes of ever being a mother was dying in the operating room. At that point I as at peace with that, my health was so horrible that I had to make that decision. Today, really the first time that I have felt any glimmer of hope that I may be a mother. Not a lot of hope, I have not lost my mind to that extent, but the tiniest little sliver.

I spoke to the embryologist yesterday, he thinks I am crazy, but that craziness has a purpose. We have 12 healthy embryos. PGD was done on 16 and 12 are as healthy as they can be. Our preference is for the healthiest first and then a girl over a boy. Now here is where he thinks I am insane, I do not want to know the sex of the embryo we are transferring. Knowing would make a loss a million times harder for me, because it will go from a collection of cells to a baby once i know the sex. To me, being able to detach from the embryos in this way has been the best part of using donated eggs, I have zero connection to them at this point. Living in my head is what I do best in stressful situations and I have been able to do this.

At 3, Central Standard Time, Sabrina and I are going to the clinic. Dressed in our crazy shoes, her insane socks and my insane fingerless gloves!! I just cannot take this too seriously! I promise to get plenty of pictures up ASAP.

I just want to thank all of you for getting me this far, your love and support have been my solace.