Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Meet Guilt and Questioning

Okay, so here is the update that I have been promising you. Sabrina started her meds the day after Christmas in preparation for our January 28th FET. To tell you the truth I have given very little thought to the whole thing, but more on that later. We had a wonderful Christmas with my family, so wonderful that I did very little thinking about the whole baby thing at all. For once I was really able to just be in the moment and enjoy the time that I had with the people who I love, instead of being distracted by that non-existent human who has haunted me for so many of the previous years. I am so grateful that I was able to just live in the moment, because they are beautiful moments.

For Christmas I gave the husband a trip to San Francisco to see two members of the Grateful Dead play on New Years Eve. To everyone’s shock, mine mostly, I was able to keep this from him. I am horrible about not being able to keep secrets from him, so this was a major accomplishment. It has been a couple of years since we have taken a proper vacation, and although this one was short it was amazingly wonderful. Between school and just day to day life we get very little time to just really be together. We partied way too hard on New Years Eve and spent the next day paying for it, but it was still the most fun I have had in a long time.

During all this fun and acting way younger than we apparently are, I had a profound moment. For just a tiny moment I questioned whether I really wanted to be a mother. Let’s face it a kid is not going to allow us to have much time with each other just being silly kids ourselves. As usual this fleeting thought brought along two friends, meet guilt and questioning.

I live in this constant state of fear about being a good mother, which I know is natural, but that fear quickly turns to guilt in the blink of an eye. I put so much more pressure on myself because of the infertility. The fact that we must go to extremes to have a child has made me feel the need to be the perfect mother, something I know full well does not exist. Every time I even entertain the idea of living without a child or start to enjoy moments that I know will be few and far between once our child is here I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. No matter how irrational I know this all is, the feelings never seem to change.

Part of all of this is that I still, and always will, feel responsible for my infertility. Yes, I have PCOS which was going to make getting pregnant very difficult at best, but at the end of the day I know that I did this to myself. Really, there was very little choice in the matter, having periods from 2 to 6 months did not leave me with a life. The uterine ablation was the only chance I had at living a “normal” life and there is not a moment that I ever regret making that decision. The fact remains that it was a decision. Unlike the vast majority of women in the world of infertility, I walked into a hospital and signed a consent form to make myself forever infertile. Which also makes me feel guilty about ever calling myself an infertile, because medical conditions caused me to get to that point but in the end I put the final nail in that coffin.

I know that I want to be a mother as much as I want to breathe. I know that parenthood is going to be a great new chapter in our relationship. I also know that I am going to miss these amazing moments that we have together as just a couple. My world is a wonderful place, I am married to the man who was really my best friend before we ever got romantic and no matter where life has taken us we have maintained this friendship. Our world will be an even better place when our child is finally with us.


Kristin said...

You know what, all those feelings are perfectly normal pre-parenting feelings. Your trip sounds amazing and kudos for keeping the secret.

Circus Princess said...

Judging from this post, you will be a superb mom, with heaps of insight into the world. Not just the everyday easy to see world, but the emotional complex world of our inner beings.

Don't worry, be happy :)

athena said...

there's nothing i can say you don't already know. i love you. you will be amazing.. you ARE amazing. plus helo, baby and i will babysit. :)

Kelli said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being honest and brave enough to voice all your concerns because whether we mention them or not, I think we all have the same thoughts. The worry, the fear, the guilt...the wonder of what we have to "give up" or change in our married/couples life to become parents even though we desperately want to become parents. It's mind-boggling, isn't it? :)

I think that what one of the PP says is true...it's normal but it sure does keep me up at night sometimes. ;) I think you're going to be fine. We don't know what adjustments and changes to make sometimes until we're right in the situation that calls for the change. And just think of all the cool things that you can do as a family that you might not have gotten to experience otherwise. You're gonna be a GREAT mom...just wait and see! :)

jenicini said...

You won't be perfect, but that will be the fun of it. You'll make a great mom. Even though it was a decision for you, without it, your life would have been incredibly hard in a way that no one should have to deal with. Lots of luck for this next cycle!

MNjen said...

Don't be too worried about missing out on fun couple time. Chris and I still go out til 2am sometimes when our friend babysits the boys (which really means just sitting here while the boys sleep!). You wont lose yourselves when you become parents. Priorities shift but you will remain "YOU". =)

Soralis said...

Glad to hear you had a great holiday season and the trip sounds amazing.

I am with MNjen, "priorities shift but you will remain "YOU".

Good Luck

Meg. said...

I think it's always so scary when we embark into THE UNKNOWN. Our brains start composing these scary, dreadful story lines (at least mine does!), and we get stuck in the worry. But you know what? The story rarely unfolds as we've imagined. =)

You and hubs will still have so many adventures together! And these adventures are going to be made even sweeter when they involve your sweet baby.

It's almost transfer time, and I'm getting super stoked for the creation of the Jaymee Baby. =)

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

Welcome back. I'm happy to hear you've been feeling better and happier, and that you had a great holiday as well.

Your feelings are totally normal, it's the fight or flight response I believe and when you worry about what kind of parent you'll be, you wonder if you should go there at all? Having fears is what makes you a good parent, one who thinks they know it all and has nothing to be fearful of usually end up with issues and problems in the end.

Hang in there, FET is just around the corner and we want to hear good...no great news!!!

Good luck and keep those spirits up, it's great to hear your feeling recharged!

Anonymous said...

Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself about my petty problems I look to you and find strength.

Saige said...

All of those thoughts are completely rational and normal. Once your child is here, you wouldn't trade them for all of the alone time in the world. You want to take your baby with you everywhere you go. While it temporarily closes some doors, it opens new and even more exciting new ones.

Best wishes and loads of prayers with this next cycle. I'm praying this is the one!