Wednesday, May 19, 2010

a different feeling

I have been trying to post here for a week. For the past seven days I have come here, written a little and then walked away. I just cannot seem to hit the publish button. Whatever it is that is standing in my way is so powerful that I am feel paralyzed when it comes to this space in my little universe. There are so many things that I want to share, but at the same time I know that for some it is going to hurt to come here and see these posts. I know this, because I have been on the other side reading about the happiness of pregnancy and wanted to just crawl back in my bed.

I am sorry if you are one of those people who stumbled over here today. As frightening as this has all been, being firmly in the 2nd trimester is such a huge relief. The fear part now comes from the panic that comes when I get terrified that I am going to forget to get something that Cletus will need and then some ridiculous crazy thing is going to happen. It is all silly craziness, and sometimes it even gets to be funny.

Since Cletus has been making sure that Sabrina remembers there is a passenger on board, I am feeling like I can do more permanent things. I know that we are never really out of the woods, but I have to do something to keep me busy. So many people do not seem to understand that when you are expecting through surrogacy there is just no other experience the feelings can be compared to. I have known the date the baby was due since before the transfer, I know that sometime in October that baby will be mine. Until then there is nothing to do except drive myself coo-coo with every detail, and I mean EVERY mind numbing detail! The things that I know about strollers alone is enough to fill a book, and some days my brain is oozing from being stuffed with information on baby bottles. I am loving every minute of this. I have earned every minute of giddy pleasure that I get from this tiny step into motherhood.

We are no longer playing house in our heads. I put paint on the walls in the nursery, and trust me paint seems enormous when you have ignore that whole part of your house for so long. Our child has a room with paint picked just for it on the walls, that is just the most amazing statement in the world. Our child is real and we are about to become parents, we are about the end years of wanting and wishing. It may be taking a gestational surrogate and an egg donor, but our family is going to finally be complete.

Which leads me to one of the other reasons that this space is a bit uncomfortable. I know that infertility will never end for me. This child is not the cure to anything, nor should it be. Infertile will always be a label that belongs to me and I am sure that there are going to be many days when I still feel the pain of that label. For now though, my mind is other places and moving in a very different direction. I am not going to stop writing here, this is the place that has sustained me through this process, I am just going to have to figure out how everything fits together here now. Thank you all for being patient with me. I am working very hard to figure this all out while getting used to being happier than sadder!


jenicini said...

J - I can identify with this post on so many levels. The feelings don't stop simply because you've gotten a positive. You hurt for those who don't have it, your still scared that something will go wrong, and yet you start planning for the future. :) I like paint! :)

Circus Princess said...

I'm smiling with tears in my eyes. Your post just tugs at my heart in so many ways. I love how you describe the happiness of selecting a color for your child's room. I love how even in this most happy of times you remember to send a thought out to those less fortunate.

But trust me when I say that I am truly happy for you sweetie :)

Pamela MacPhee said...

As a surrogate mom, I can only say that your happiness is why we become surrogates! I hope that you will soon find some peace with infertility and embrace wholeheartedly the upcoming birth of your new baby, so you can enjoy this wonderful news as much as you deserve to! It was a privilege for me to carry my cousin's baby when his wife could not, and I admire so much the courage of infertile women to persevere and find their happiness. Congrats!

Valery said...

yay for paint, yay for baby room! Donor eggs still scare the %^& out of me, so it is soothing to read about your happiness. I need to know there are other outcomes than just being desperate or miserable. So thanks for posting.

Kimberly Gilbert said...

So happy to see you are doing well! And the room! Yay! I miss you both.

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm so happy for you! Don't feel you need to censor your posts - this is YOUR blog to post about YOUR feelings. On days when I'm not doing so great, I don't read the blogs because I know what I can and cannot handle. But on the days that I'm great I want to share in others happiness and joy and I want to hear how their journeys are going. I cannot wait to read more!