Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A True Gift

Our weekend in Oregon was nothing short of magic!  I know that it sounds corny, but really there is no better word to describe what we experienced with Sabrina and her family.  It was a weekend of fun and laughter, but mostly it was the weekend where I learned so much about myself.  Being an intended mother is a very weird kind of limbo not good or bad just very different from anything that I have a frame of reference for.  

I understand adoption as an adoptee and through my mother as an adoptive mother.  When we first started this journey I used adoption as my reference frame which is not even close to what this all feels like.  Never once have I questioned that our child will come home with us.  The baby has always been ours and always will be.  Of course, surrogacy is not without it's own set of challenges.

Jealousy can be a very powerful feeling that can ruin a relationship.  I have worried that I would be jealous of Sabrina getting to spend this time with our child, and at small moments I have felt a little of that.  Then out of the blue Sabrina e-mails me with some little event that only I would ever care about and I go back to knowing that for right now she is the best one to care for my baby.  Thankfully, I do not think that these feelings have ever effected our relationship, and after this weekend I know that they never will.

On our first night there Sabrina brought ice cream to our hotel, because that baby LOVES some ice cream!  Then came the big moment that I had been dreading since we began this journey, because if there was something that was going to drive me over the ledge I knew it would be watching my husband feeling the child that was made with his and an egg donor's genetics moving in another woman's body.  I got to feel the wiggle worm first and it was amazing to feel our child dance around, for the life of me I will never be able to put that experience into words it really was just magic.  Then the real magic happened, my husband sat next to Sabrina and felt lots of wiggles and kicks and I got to sit there and watch this look on his face that I will never forget.  In some ways I am happy that I got to sit outside the experience and just enjoy watching his face change every time he felt something.  My hubby is not the most expressive person all the time when it comes to this whole baby thing, not that he is not excited, just that he does not get giddy about it all.  From the first huge smile that accompanied the first movement I melted.  Yes, we were having this whole experience in a completely different way than most, but it was still our moment and I cannot imagine having it any other way.

Once I realized that I was fine, the world did not stop spinning and I was not a sobbing mess on the floor, I knew that this was all going to be just fine.  Like most things in surrogacy the fear of the unknown is infinitely worse than the reality.  For once since we began this whole process I am not worried about being jealous and that is a wonderful relief.  

That right there is our perfect little baby.  Everything looks great and we could not be happier.  I sat in the ultra sound holding the hubby and Sabrina's hand, and it really felt like it was always meant to be that way.  I have so many more things that I want to talk about, but I think this is enough for now.


You can see the sucking of the thumb, but what you cannot is that this is the compromise for not being able to get the whole fist to fit!  Oh, are we in for it!

Saige, in answer to your question there was no flavor to the lip stuff, but someone needs to make that into real lipstick because it never went anywhere!


Yolanda said...

wow. What a milestone. Thank you, thank you, for continuing to bring us along on your journey. I am smiling so big for you. Just ecstatic.

jill said...

That is truly moving. I'm so glad you have had such an awesome experience with this. Love the u/s pics - so cute!

Cyn said...

Baby C is absolutely adorable!! I am thrilled that you both were able to feel little man wigglin around and that you loved it all!

Kristin said...

I am so happy for you! Wonderful ultrasound pics.

Circus Princess said...

I love your honesty, and your beautifully simple way of describing such complicated feelings.
Your baby is perfect, and I bet you can't wait to hold him/her in your arms :)

Much love!

rrmom said...

Sabrina shared your blog, and I just wanted to let you know that you are such a beautiful writer and already one of the world's best mommies!

I am a surrogate mom; the twins I had just turned two and I vividly remember their mommy having the exact same feelings. This point in the pregnancy was difficult for her, but I think her sentiments were very similar to yours. To both of us now, the pregnancy seems like light years ago! As soon as those little munchkins were in her arms, staring into her eyes that so closely matched theirs... her years of sadness just simply melted away.

Sabrina is an amazing surromom, and it sure sounds like you are all so lucky you have found each other. I can't wait for you to have that magical moment of meeting your baby. It will be the best day of your life!

Mandy in VT

athena said...

<3 <3 i'm so happy for you all!!

Expectant Duck said...

love the pics and i agree surrogacy is very complicated but i always felt conected to my children during our journey.

Anonymous said...

I am a young woman just starting the surrogacy journey (early stages - no surrogate found as yet) and this post has made me a good way.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings in such detail; it fills me with renewed hope and excitement knowing what might be to come.

E - from the UK.

Saige said...

Look at that precious, perfect little baby! I just want to cry in excitement and happiness for you.

When I was considering surrogacy, I also worried about the jealousy factor. What it came down to for me was that if my best friend was our surrogate, as we hoped would be the case, I could be excited that SHE was feeling those things, even if I wasn't. I know it is a completely different situation from yours, but that thought did cross my mind.

I think you are doing a great job with this whole pregnancy. It is fun to be on this ride with you and see all of this from your side of things. I love being excited for you.

Crossed Fingers said...

What a pure and honest post. I love reading about your journey and learning more about it. It's amazing and awe inspiring. Congrats on your perfect little bundle of joy!

rarejule said...

So sweet... and precious are your words, feelings & thoughts in this process to become Mom & Dad. You will do just wonderfully.

Love & hugs,

Beautiful Mess said...

Ohhh look at that beautiful little baby! I'm so glad you guys had fun while you were here. You all are so close, so exciting!