and i thought the week before was crazy

We found a new RE. As for the other RE, it was not him personally; it is the stupid state of Alabama. It just happens to be something that is not allowed, then again maybe not prohibited, but no one will do the transfer. Which is fine, we are just going to move the show to Texas, where my parents live.

As you can imagine a new RE brings all kinds of new things. I have come to expect this. If you want easy and uneventful do not go through infertility. All the things that have blown me away during this process do not even come close to what happened at 2:05 on March 5^th. It is three days later, and I am still not sure that I have gotten over the shock. In fact, I know that I have not because I am still having a hard time believing this whole situation is real. I am still waiting to wake up with everyone laughing at me.

What is the big news you ask?

First, a little background information so that this all makes a bit more sense. I have a bleeding disorder (von Willebrand's) which is genetic. I have a very mild form, which has still managed to wreak havoc in my life. Potentially, I could pass this on to my child and it is possible that they will have a worse type. It was a no brainer that we would use an egg donor. Never have I had a huge need to be the biological parent of my child. To me, biology is such a small part of being a parent that is just never mattered. You can imagine my shock when I learned that it might be possible to use my own eggs, and we could screen the embryos before we implanted one.

I still cannot believe that I am able to write that sentence, and it is true. My eggs, my genes without the scariest bad part, a child that may have my eyes, someone in my life that is actually genetically related to me. These are all things that I could never imagine and I was fine without. Now that they are a possibility, I am a little freaked out, a lot excited, and completely guarded. I have learned, a thousand times over, not to get my hopes up when it comes to infertility treatments. Many things still need to be figured out, none of which I fully understand. All I know is that I am going to be stuck with a needle a lot and spending a lot of time in the doctor's office. I just never thought that this would ever happen to me, things like this just do not happen to me.

Then I keep coming back to the whole idea that none of this ever mattered to me. So what are all these new feelings? Where did this excitement come from? I know that part of it is not having to tell my child that I am not genetically related to him/her, and having to help him/her work through all the feelings and issues that come along with that revelation. It was something I was prepared to do but certainly not something that I was looking forward to doing. The main reservation had to watch my child wrestle with all the feelings that were so hard for me to reconcile for myself. Personally, there was the fact that I was going to have to do a stepparent adoption, which always just felt so wrong to me. Yes, the child would be mine once he/she was born; there was just something about being called a stepparent that always bugged me. Not that there is anything wrong with being a stepparent, one who I consider my parent plain and simple raised me. It was just in this particular situation. We will have been married for at least nine years by the time the baby arrives, and if it had not been for my hard work the baby would never exist, so being called a stepparent in a legal document just seemed to negate my roll in this whole situation. That is all behind us now, in theory.

I know that one day, like at the birth, I will be able to relax and be happy about this completely new development. Right now, though I am still really freaked out by the idea. Which also makes me feel bad, because I know, there are so many people out there that would love to get this news and most likely never will. I am going to sit with this new development and be as happy as I can about this amazing new experience that we are going to have.

The fear of weight lifting

This pass week has found me living in this constant state of mild panic that feeling right before the major panic attacks hit. In my life, I have had one major panic attack, and it was years ago but that feeling memory of that feeling is imprinted in my body. So living in a state where I feel like the next moment I am going to fall apart is SCARY. What is even more frightening is that I have no idea what is causing me to be in this state. I am at a moment in my life where everything is moving along just as it should, in some areas years later than scheduled, but it is still where I want to be. I just feel that I am about to have a massive breakdown.

For the first time in many years, I am not scrambling to make pieces of my life fit into the boxes that I need to feel functional. There are those things that I am going to have to wait for, but that is nothing new. It feels like I have been waiting for something or another all my adult life and I am sure that I will always be waiting for something, that is just life. Maybe, just feeling at peace is what is causing this feeling of panic. Leave it to me to be afraid to of peacefulness.

Then I thought maybe it was working in an adoption agency. Focusing so much of my energy on making it possible for others to be parents on the surface is something that could throw someone in my situation into a full-blown panic. I have found it to in reality be a very different experience. Many days I am with people who are in the place I was years ago. That place where the whole world was spinning, where I questioned everything that I thought I knew, and where I felt so horribly hopeless. I sometimes visit that place, but I have learned that I am so far from that place that I really can only recognize it in others. On those days when I am on the infertility Tilt-a-Whirl it still is not the same ride that I once rode. I see in these couples the pain, anger and frustration that lives right below the surface. I am grateful that I am not where they are, and as cold as that sounds it is because I am not there that I am able to do everything in my power to make them parents.

In some ways, I am afraid that all the years of pain and anger have turned me into a cold person. I want to believe that I have come through those days with only small wounds. I also want to believe that there is a tree in my backyard that blooms hundred dollar bills. I am scarred, and I will never be the same person I was before I knew that my path to parenthood would be a marathon that lasted for years (and I hate running). Infertility changes everything that you believe about yourself and the world. No matter how much I hope and wish that this were not true I know that I am forever changed. Some of these changes are wonderful and some are horrible and really most of them are somewhere in the middle. In some ways, I am more compassionate, understanding and patient. The worst part is that there is an anger that I know will never go away, a rage that I will never be able to rid myself of fully.

Some days I am still enraged about our situation. I walk past a family and SLAP there it is that anger. All the questioning of who I am as a person. It scares me, how quickly the feelings well up. What is good is that it goes just as quickly as it came. I am getting better, I have accepted this process, I am even excited and grateful that I get the opportunity to experience something that so few people ever really have happen.

Wounds heal, wounds heal, and wounds have to heal. Unhealed wounds become infected until the body is no good anymore. As I have said many times before I spent many years miserable, what some people would call "teen angst" only multiplied by a million. I distinctly remember one day saying (and fully believing) that I was miserable because it was comfortable. It was, that place where the whole world was upon me was where I was comfortable, it really was a warm and squishy. I am over that and have been for years, and a long time ago I learned that being happy was so much easier than the misery. Now I am just afraid that I got too comfortable being angry, that the anger snuck in hiding behind the happiness.

Deciding which method to start a family with, dealing with health issues, and all the frustration and pressure that comes with the package puts the weight of the world on your shoulders. You learn to deal with it and one day it just becomes normal. Then something happens and so much of that weight lifts. At that moment you realize what the real cost of infertility has been, or at least you think you do, and then you realize that there are going to be more days to come.

I Have Been in a Fog

I have not written in a while for a number of reasons.

First, I am having a hard time making myself do anything. Part of the problem is that I am still trying to adjust to the medication and part of it is that I am just overwhelmed. As I have said before I am getting close to finishing college which is terrifying on so many different levels. In some ways I am setting myself up for failure, and that is not going to happen, but it is easy for me I know how to fail.

Second, what was already a scary financial obligation of surrogacy is getting even more frightening with the current situation that we are all facing. Part of me knows that we will find a way to accomplish this not matter what, another part of me is trying to prepare myself for the reality that this might not happen. I am in the process of finding ways to cut costs, which is not easy. I need this to work, my heart needs this to work.

Over the past week or so I have actually begun to entertain the idea of what our life would be like if we were childless. The first thing that came to me is that it would not just affect us but our whole family and while I know they would be supportive I also know they would be broken hearted. Under no circumstances are we having a child to satisfy others, but the reality is that infertility affects everyone that loves you and has suffered right along with you. For me though, while it would break my heart in ways that I cannot fathom, I would learn to live without ever being a mother. It is conceivable to me that I could find a way to do something really meaningful in this world that would make it bearable. People go through their lives without children all the time and they find a way to have beautiful, meaningful and often extraordinary impacts on the world. Even though I thought mine would be to raise a child who loved and respected everyone it may not be and I am starting to accept that as okay.

Just because I am starting to think about these things does not mean that I am giving up we are still planning on going ahead in the new year. It is important to me that I know what my life will look like in the future, so I have something to throw out the window when my world gets turned upside down and the road takes a big curve. Plans are made to be broken and goals are set to be changed, what is important is that we keep looking into a future and seeing all the possibilities that life has to offer.

I am going to try and be here more I promise, and I will try to find some ways to make this more affordable which I promise to share. Thank you for your patience with me. This road is long and lonely at times, but I am finding a lot of amazing people along the way.

Secrets

I have been keeping a secret that is important to this journey.

When I first began this blog, I intended to take it down once we had our child. At that point, in our journey we still did not know what information we would share with our child about their unusual beginnings. Honestly, at that point we were sure that we were never going to tell them that another woman carried them. It was not that we were embarrassed, we thought that we would be protecting them from pain and hurt. As an adopted child I went through a time in my life when I felt flawed and carried guilt about my start in the world and I would never want that for my own child. Then I began to have nightmares of our child finding some piece of paper or picture and no longer being able to keep up the charade. All I could think of was how much worse that situation would be than just making it part of their narrative and leaving it at that.

Over that hurdle, we then had to decide how much of the story we were going to tell. Was it enough to just tell them that my stomach was broken and that another lady gave birth to them? Would it be better to let them see pictures of, talk to, or meet this woman? How far would we allow that relationship to go? How were we going to handle the relationship more to the point how was I going to feel about that relationship?

After weeks of debate and looking at every advantage and disadvantage, we made a decision. If we were going to tell the story, we had to tell them everything. It was an all or nothing deal. For those of you who know us will not be at all surprised, we are very much all or nothing people. One of the things infertility has not been able to steal away from me the commitment that no matter what the story of how our child came into the world I never wanted the time between thinking that they got here like anyone else and the true story would not exist we would always be honest with them. I still do not have the words for that day.

Okay so now that I have completely written us into some circle I guess I should tell you what the point of this was. Wow, I am actually nervous about this, and I am not ever nervous about saying anything here. We are using an egg donor. You will be happy to know that my head did not explode, I was afraid of that happening at this moment. I am not sure why it was so hard for me to say. For me this was the hardest part of choosing to use surrogacy. I had to make sure that I was not going to feel that I had less of a claim to our child or blame my husband when they turn out to be horrible people I cannot stand to be around, well at least not any more than a normal person would.

Before we entered into the world of surrogacy, we were preparing to adopt from China. I had researched everything that I could about the process, down to what airline discounts we could use and filling out a few applications with agencies. Something just never felt right, I knew that we were both able to parent a child that was not biologically ours and I knew that we could handle the extra challenges of adopting a toddler who would need extra help. After a year or so I realized what would not be right was that I would miss out on possibly the first year or two of my child’s life, and remember when I said we are all or nothing people because that is what drove me to this decision. I want to have every moment I can with my child, without being the type of parent who moves to the same town their child goes to college in, or calling to ask the nice man at company X who did not hire my child.

Surrogacy became the answer for us. We could be parents from day one and having a child that was not biologically mine seemed to be about the same thing as adoption. At least that is what I thought, until the day that I realized that I was ashamed to tell anyone and was considering breaking rule number 1 “always be honest”. I knew that when I consented for my surgery that I would loose my ability to have a child and I have never questioned that decision.

It began with the “creepy” factor of looking through hundreds of profiles. Somewhere in the middle of narrowing down these profiles, there were things that I had to start weeding out that made me uncomfortable. There were those things that were obvious, like a history of cancer and then there were things like eye color and GPA’s. I began to feel like I was living in one of those insane private preschool parodies in the movies. The real punch in the face was looking back through those I had narrowed down were nothing like me and part of that made me feel great and another part of that felt horrible, horrible in a way that nothing had ever made me feel and very shocking. I have never thought that biology had anything to do with being a good parent. My parents are great and not a bit of biology is shared between us and that has never made them love me less.

I believe that what was so hard to accept was that I was not just going to have a child “assigned” to me; I was going to have to choose a woman to be half of their genetics. For a while that felt strange, and then it felt hugely overwhelming. My first real decision as the mother of my child was to pick their genetic mother and that is one decision that I do not want to get wrong. I have talked about my paralyzing fear before and this was a time when I was really stuck. More people have looked at egg donors with me, and the more people that I pulled in the more my choices were confirmed. Having others agree that they too were seeing what I was seeing was so helpful.

Affirmation of your choices is so rare in the world of infertility, that when it finally happens it feels like Christmas and the Fourth of July all rolled into one. I have no other words to describe that feeling of elation when you finally feel that you are competent enough to make “parent” level decisions.

We are using an egg donor, because I would not be able to live with myself if my child inherited even one of my disorders. That is the trouble with knowing just enough to be dangerous when it comes to the heritability of disease and disability. Well that is at least what I am telling myself for now. Other than me being able to carry this baby on my own like most women no solution is going to be perfect. Surrogacy just happens to meet more of our criteria. At the start of this process I believed that I would have, a much harder time dealing with my feelings about the surrogate, so far that had not been true.

There is my little secret. Now it does not seem like such a big deal.

a family through surrogacy

I have been working my way through a lot of blogs over the past few days, it being ILCW and all. A lot of people have been leaving comments here which I LOVE. In leaving comments I have been reading a lot of comments and I noticed something. I am getting a lot of comments about how brave and courageous I am. This is not true. I have written another post about this, but I want to make this really clear.

Surrogacy is the right way for me to make my family, it is the only way that I can have my family. Not that I would not adopt a child in a second. What makes this right for me is that I want my husband to have a chance at having his biological children, not that he says this is important to him. Being the one with the fertility problem makes me feel responsible and makes me want to do all the rest of it the best I can. Surrogacy was the answer. I could have tried to carry our child, but at some point I decided that I wanted to be a mother not a pregnant woman. This was not a brave, courageous, or noble move on my part, it was an answer to a horrible problem.

I started this blog because there was a dearth of straight intended parents' voices in the world of surrogacy. I began to feel like there was some secret hand shake that I did not know. Our journey was becoming very complicated and I needed to know that others had been in my shoes and come out the other side. My insecurity and fear started this blog, and now that some of that has subsided my need to keep others from ever feeling that alone keeps me here.

Surrogacy is the third rail of infertility. Many in the IF world see it as a last resort and the general public have all kinds of weird ideas about what the process. I have had people ask how I could allow my husband to have sex with another woman. Been told that I was exploiting some disadvantaged women who could not possibly know better. Worried myself that I was not really going to be able to be a mother and still have a relationship with our surrogate. I have heard people tell me that anyone who would buy a baby should not be a mother. All of these statements are completely false. In reality none of this is happening, and if I thought for one second that it would I would have quit.

One day my child may have to tell the story about how they came to be and I do not want them ever to be ashamed. Not that I am going to make them wear a shirt saying they were a product of surrogacy, nor am I going to make it a big part of their life. We have decided that we are going to be honest about their beginnings, and yes there was a time we were not sure we wanted them to know. There was a time when I wanted to move to a cabin deep in the woods with my newborn and husband and stay forever, a little family of hermits. I was so angry that all these people were in our reproductive life, so raw from all the comments, and so tiered of feeling the pain. One day it dawned on me that the reason for all this was so that I could be a mother, and if I was just going to runaway I was not going to be a very good mother. A good mother advocates for their child and tries to make the world a better place. So here I am educating a few people about the incredible process that will make my dreams a reality.

Motherhood may still be years away for me and that fact breaks my heart some days. Those are the days that I come here and hope to teach someone a little bit about this process. One of the blessings of infertility is that you have time to research and think about everything. From highchairs to cloth vs. disposable diapers, I have read everything and then some. It was just natural that if I was going to put so much time and effort into those things, I should put at least the same amount of effort into educating as many people about how this whole thing works, so maybe when my child tells someone about surrogacy they do not have to hear a rude and hurtful comment.

There is no courage or bravery here, just a woman white knuckling her way through life.

surrogacy with or without an agency

some people have asked why we are using an agency rather than doing this independently. trust me there were many conversations over these issues. especially after our first experience with an agency. in the end it came down to wanting to be able to enjoy the experience without worrying so much about the details.

with our agency there is someone who looks into the insurance. someone who our surrogate will call if she needs money. someone who will make sure that she is getting the appropriate medical care, compensation and whatever else. someone who will help us with issues at the hospital, hiring lawyers, doing the psychological evaluations, and whatever else i have forgotten.

this whole process is a lot more complicated than finding a wonderful woman who is willing to carry a child for us. going to the fertility clinic to get her pregnant. then waiting 9 months to take the baby home.

for us, the agency provides us with the luxury of being able to really enjoy waiting for our child to make their appearance. instead of working out very complicated issues, in which we have no experience.

many years ago there was a phrase used in the adoption world, "as if families". parents were matched with families who could act "as if" they were born to the parents. elaborate steps were taken to try and ensure that no adopted child ever had to be told that they were adopted. agencies tried very hard to make sure that the child and parents looked a like, and that the child went home with them as soon as possible. this practice has since gone the way of the milk man. what really matters now is that the child goes to the best home possible, regardless of who looks like who, which is what really matters.

i want this experience to be as much of an "as if" pregnancy as possible. not that i am going to wear around a pregnancy suit or anything crazy like that. it is way to late for me to act like i had the baby all by myself *kicks self for starting blog*. i am not a crazy lady who thinks that we are getting pregnant. in fact hearing couples who say "we are pregnant" turns my stomach. while i think it is wonderful that men are more involved in pregnancy, let's be honest if it does not have to get out of your body you are not pregnant.

i am not sure what my role will ultimately be in this journey. what i want my role to be is head cheerleader and close friend. the day that i signed the consent for surgery i gave up ever being pregnant and knowing first hand what that experience felt like. deciding to create my family means that i am giving up the possibility that i might not be in the room when my child is born. i know that if a c-section is necessary that our surrogate will most likely choose to have her husband in the room with her, and i would not have it any other way. i know first hand that just having your husband or other significant person next to you can be a major relief of physical pain.

some surrogates have said that they felt the IM was distant and was not involved in the process. while i am really going to try not to be that way, i am very aware that this could happen. for me the reason is not jealousy or wanting to stay distant from a person with whom i do not want to develop a relationship. for me it is not wanting to step on toes or make her feel like she is being micro managed.

the fastest way to get me mad, is to not respect the fact that i know my body and mind better than you do and when i say something is okay or not i am right. what our surrogate will be going through is something i know nothing about, so i do not feel qualified to impose my opinion. i want to be a support for her, i will get her ice chips, rub her feet or whatever it is women having babies want. i want to know that she hates feeling crappy or that all food smells like mule farts, or whatever else. i want to know when the baby kicks or when it decides to punch her in the side. i want to know everything, but i do not want to burden her with my tears. because as much as i want to be there and know everything, i am scared that i will be jealous and that i will have to grieve the fact that i am never going to know these things. right now i think that i am past all this, but when faced with the situation who knows.

fact is that if we were trying to do this all on our own i do not think i would have the luxury to even worry about these things. for all the people who do manage to go indy, i think that is hugely brave. i am not one of those people. paperwork is my biggest nemesis, just filling out this paperwork has nearly sent me over the edge. trying to get through the rest of that swamp makes me want to find a cave to hide inside.

in the end, having an agency just gives me peace of mind. it will allow me to be able to enjoy what is important.

blogging on the surrogacy rollercoaster

this post is inspired by IVF Land on Surrogacy World, who is just plain inspiring because he is a man blogging about an experience that most men have a hard time finding the words to explain.

if you google surrogacy and then go look at the blog results, you will receive all kinds of information. what will be missing, or at least very limited, is the intended parent's perspective. as i have said before, there are gay parents, surrogates, lawyers and agencies galore, but few anxiously awaiting parents. in no way am i the typical intended mother, if such a person even exists.


our journey to surrogacy did not come with most of the baggage the accompanies so many couples. there were no countless visits to the doctor, and no years of failed transfer after failed transfer. our decision was made because i had to do what was right for my health.

as an adopted child it was not that much of a stretch for me to understand that biology does not make a parent. it was not important to me that my child look like me, share my blood, or come from me in any way. what is important to me is that i get to have the experience of being a mother from day one.

this does not mean that i did not go through the grieving for not being able to do this on my own. i questioned who i was as a woman. got upset that all these people were poking around in my life. got down right angry that others were having children at the drop of a hat. i wish that this was not the process that we had to go through, but i am grateful that we have the choice.

sometimes it is hard for me to talk about these things. i feel that i am supposed to shut up and be grateful that this path is open to me. the biggest thing that i have always felt bad about feeling, let alone saying, is that i hate the fact that i am not going to be able to have a child who i can take home and never have to share with anyone. i would of course never dream of cutting our surrogate out of my child's life, i do have to look at myself in the mirror after all. honestly, i think it is awful that people think that it is acceptable to take the child and run, but some small part of me understands the urge. of course reading Bump Fairy's post about giving D&G to their daddy how could i even begin to think that it would be at all appropriate to cut off our surrogate. she is not going to make any decisions, she will not be their mother, she will just be another person in their life who loves them (and we all need as many of those as we can get).

our child will have a ton of people like that in their lives, the only difference is that this person will have a unique relationship with them. there is of course this small part of me that is jealous of this relationship, i am human after all. fact is though, it is not a relationship my child will ever remember, and one that i am making so much bigger than any surrogate i have ever met would see as their relationship with my family.

the biggest lesson that i have learned through all of this, is that surrogacy is way too dramatized. a couple of cases have gone horribly wrong, and that is tragic, but thousands more create beautiful families. the difference is often simply being honest from the beginning.

i am one of those people who is constantly trying to be perfect and falling short at every turn. to get through this process has taught me that perfect does not exist in this world. of course i still have my dreams about the perfect relationship that i want with my surrogate, dreams of what will make this whole experience perfect. perfection is now defined as going through this highly emotional and trying process and coming out the other side with everyone feeling like it was a good experience and that we all got what we wanted, whatever that may be. for me that is of course a baby, but also that i have treated everyone involved with the utmost respect and have had that respect returned.

some people think that i am insane for putting this out for the world to see. fact is that maybe 20 people a day see this, so that is hardly the world. plus i am not doing this for anyone other than myself and my family. for my family it is a way that they can know what is happening without having to ask. this can be a tough thing to ask about and answers often just lead to more questions. letting them be able to read how i feel about this day to day, gives them a unique insight into what is happening and what i am willing to discuss. i hope that they know it is everything, as long as they are not telling me to give up and get a dog. for myself this is a way to keep myself from going insane through this process. keeping all these feelings inside would probably land me in the loony bin. there are so many huge emotions and they have to go somewhere, and mine are going here.

another really important reason that i am blogging this, is one day i want my child to know just how much they were wanted. it took me going through this ordeal to fully appreciate just how much my parents wanted a child. opening your life and heart up this much is not something you do lightly. it is something that you do because nothing else in the world could hurt you more than never being a parent. i hope that my child will only have to read this to fully understand what that longing feels like. i know that it is not something that can be verbalized, i can only hope that it is something that will come across in writing. in the end i want a record of what now feels like it will last forever, though in reality i know it is something that will last only for a moment. i never want to forget what this process was like. i want every moment to be forever preserved.

is surrogacy worth...

"you have so much. i just do not understand why you have to want more. i mean your life looks just fine to me."

today these words were spoken to my face. someone spoke these words that cut deep into the bone. my life is great. i have a husband who adores me, a roof over my head, plenty in the fridge, bills paid, ect. ect. my life is perfect except for that one thing, i am childless.

guilt invades my life at every level. i fall short at every turn. here i am in my thirties and i still feel as competent as a kindergartner. i can't even be content and grateful for what i have without wanting more. this life should be enough. i should be happy with all that i have instead of pushing so hard to get the one thing that has eluded me. i am spending so much time chasing after something that may never happen. something that i might be really bad at once it does happen.

everyone says that i am a natural mother and that i always have been. problem is that i am good at this with people who can take care of their own basic needs. someone who depends on me for everything is a completely different story. i have to ask myself if all this heartache is worth it for something i might totally fail at.

failure here would not only effect me, it would also effect an innocent being that did not ask for this life. worse still i worry that all the pain that has built over all these years will ruin my ability to be a good mother. the urgent feeling that this one must go right because there will be no more. the fear that failure can never be corrected. as the oldest i was always told i was the guinea pig, and that my parents corrected their mistakes with my sister. there will be no other child if i am not perfect the first time i will never get a chance to correct my mistakes. what if i am not able to be a good mother because the fear that will paralyze me. at the end of this day i will get over this and do it anyways, i have come too far to turn back now.

still i question whether parenthood is what i am meant for. maybe there is a reason that i can not have children. it is possible that my body knows something i do not. i do have other talents, and maybe these are what i should focus on, i should be learning to just be content with what i have. i have so much, while others have so little.

i hate it when people say things that are so hurtful and so true. i am an ungrateful bitch for not being able to accept that i made this choice. two years ago i sat in a room with my doctor and said," i am ready to give up my uterus, because this is all to inconvenient. i do not want to bleed for months on end anymore." i willingly laid on the table and had 200 degree water run through my uterus and let them tie my tubes. on that day i understood that i would never have my own child. to become a mother i would have to travel half way around the world or pay someone else to have a child. so i should just accept my decision, buy another pet and be done with this.

problem is i want this more than anything. i want to pace the hall at 3 in the morning, when they are newborns and when they are on their first date (or whatever it will be then). i want all the really horrible moments, the hard work, the screaming, the tears, and whatever hell parenthood can be. i want all of this so that i can have this one moment, "mommy, i love you." to just hear those words once.

the biggest challenge of my life

Hi again, I am back. I needed to take a break and collect myself. Things here have been not going well.

Cigarettes were booted out of my life a few months ago, which was a great decision, and not one I would change. One little problem, taking their place was lots and lots of food. Result, I have gained almost fifty pounds in a very short period, pushing me ever closer to becoming morbidly obese.

My weight has been a struggle since I was a child. At the age of 12, I sent myself to "fat" camp, with my parent’s checkbook. It was a great time in my life, for a month I lived in California with a bunch of other girls struggling to be something (tiny pixies) that we were never going to be. I loved being there, I found a freedom, in not having to worry whether someone saw my stretch marks or that I was going to be judged because I could not run a mile without stopping a few times. Of course, that ended and I was sent back into the real world where I was fat and disgusting and people were going to make fun of me. Back into the world that confirmed the fact that I should hate myself and feel ashamed for taking up so much room on the planet.

I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I do not remember a time when I was comfortable with the way that I look, and I cannot imagine a time when I will. At some point, my self-loathing got to a point where I had to ignore it, and I stopped caring. Sure, I wanted to be smaller, but I just let it slide, because I had a life to live and worrying how I looked left little time to get anything else done. At some point, I decided that I was not going to define myself by what the scale said, because I knew that number was going to make me happy.

That all ended last Wednesday, I am sick, and if I do not change things, I am going to get much sicker. My liver has fat deposits in it, and if I allow this to continue, I am running the risk of having my liver fail, many years from now. This is the wake up call I never wanted to get. I am afraid; okay honestly I am scared to death. Not only have I ignored my weight for so long that I have done damage to my body. Suddenly I am being forced to pay attention to my weight, that thing that can send me into a depression faster than anything can. No longer is this about wanting to get into some dress, or wanting to be more comfortable on a long plane ride. This is serious and I am not sure I am up for the challenge.

Of course, if this was not enough, I also have lesions on my liver. Truly, this is what complicates everything. According to my doctor, if it were just the deposits, I would have to loose a bit of weight and monitor it every few years.

Here I am in the place I am terrified to be, the weight has to come off, and I have no idea what is under all these layers of fat. I am the fat girl, I know how to be the fat girl, and I am comfortable here. Sure, I hate myself for it, but that is comfortable too. This is how I am, this is how I relate to the world, and this is the role I understand. I am the bubbly, sweet, and kind fat girl, who will do everything to make sure everyone is happy, that everyone feels included and valued. What happens to that girl when 100 pounds of her is gone? How did I get to the point where I could loose 100 pounds and not be dead?

Simply, I am disgusted with myself, I am terrified of failing as much as I am terrified of succeeding, and I just want to crawl in a hole and I want to prove to myself that I can do this.
In my time on this Earth, I have never met a woman who is comfortable with the way that she looks. There is always some flaw to focus all our energy and attention on, this has become more than just a flaw, and that is what makes it so terrifying. Thankfully, this is a wake up call that I can answer, there is time to change before the point of no return. It is now a matter of facing my fears and doing what I must. There seems to be a theme in my life lately, taking on those things that terrify me, not because I want to but because I am forced. The weight is going to come off, and I do not know what is going to happen. What I do know is that I will rise to this challenge, as I have so many others; I also know that there are going to be setbacks and stumbles, and I am going to have all kinds of emotions. There are going to be days when I will feel great and days when the whole world will feel like it is coming down on me. This is not going to be the worst thing in the world, and it is not going to be the best, but it will be doable.

who am i really?

writing our profile has brought up a thousand questions. the main question being, who the hell am i? most of us spend our lives searching for an answer, but i do not think i will ever come close to finding an answer.

since i have started writing about this journey, wonderful new people have come into my life, and the old ones have found a new way of communicating with me. through these interactions i have gained some insight into how i look through others' eyes. the one word that seems to stick out the most, courageous. the first time i put it in the "you are just nuts" column. then it kept popping up and i had to question the meaning of the word.

cour·age –noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.


well, now i know they are all really crazy, and the men in white coats carrying butterfly nets need to be called. fear, anxiety, and a strong desire to never speak, is what defines me, i do not speak in class unless points are being awarded, i do not have strong convictions about anything, at least not strong enough to ever open my mouth. my stomach still turns when i have to talk to people i have know forever. my biggest fear is that everyone will one day find out that i am faking my way through life. as a child i was painfully shy, and i still remember how difficult it was for me to open my mouth and the pains in my stomach, the heat on my cheeks, and just wanting to melt into the floor.


i have had a few moments in my life, when i have gotten away from myself. these are moments when others threatened or hurt those i loved. i have made it my mission in life to make sure that no one near me ever feels pain or sadness. even people who i am not really close with, if you are in my life, even on the periphery, i will do everything i can to protect you. as a child i did not have many friends, it was really difficult for me to find relationships with my peers. this got so bad, that i was in a major depression by the time i was 13, and i never wanted anyone else to feel the pain of being alone.


in some ways i do not think my self esteem ever recovered from those years. i never understand why people want to be friends with me. it is difficult for me to see what qualities i possess for friendship. i am not saying this so all of you tell me how wonderful i am and how much i do for you, this is truly how i feel. i know that you all love me and i know that you would walk to the ends of the earth with me, as i would with you, i just will never understand why.

infertility throws self image into the tilt-a-whirl and then sends it through the cheese grater. i am a woman, women carry babies, i can't carry babies, so who in the hell am i? it is insane logic and extremely myopic, but it is the thought pattern i have lived with for years.

what i have learned over the years, is that no matter how you define yourself there will always be something to turn that definition sideways. in the end, for me it is how well i live up to my ideals. the majority of the time i fall so short, that it probably is not worth having ideals at all.

in my ideal world i...
- care for others
- listen to everyone, especially those i disagree with because those are the people i learn the most from
- give everyone the respect they deserve
- don't look out for only my self interest
- make sure everyone i love knows that they are loved
- help those who i can, and find help for those i can not
- do not judge others' behavior, because i am no saint

like i said this is my ideal, i don't think there has been one day of my life that i have met two at a time, let alone all of them. it may happen one day, most likely it will not, but i still have hope.

i am not courageous, i am scared to death and this is how i deal with it. i was debating between writing about it and banging my head against the wall, and since this was less messy i chose to write. i really hate to clean. 99% of the time i am white knuckling my way through this jungle, and i know that i am not alone. in reality i am doing this for everyone who is unable to talk about this struggle, in hopes that it might help them find a voice.
the longer we keep silent, the longer we will have to endure the pain.
my biggest fear is that not dealing with all the pain created by this process, and as a consequence having my relationship with the child, i have fought so hard to have, suffering.

profile writing

writing a profile, urgh, i have to write a profile, what do i say? what if they hate me? what if i say something weird? what if i am just a freak, and when they read about me they go blind and deaf from the terror that was my profile? will i be charged more for that? uh, can i just write about someone else? maybe i could pull that off. no, i am not that good of an actress. wait i don't even know who i am. this is grown up stuff. adults know who they are, i am the female equivalent of peter pan.

okay, i will think of this as the getting a bunch of shots. i'll just close my eyes and get it over and done with really fast. oh, this is going to hurt, but if i just do it, it won't be that bad.

my stomach is in knots over this. we'll just get it done.

wait they want pictures too. i take the pictures. do i have any other than one or two? are those good ones? you know they are going to judge how i look.

the more i think about this, the more it feel like jr. high. those were not my best years. it is so hard to see in myself what others see. everyone tells me i am going to be a great mother, but i question that. i know that i want this more than anything, but what if i get it and i can't do all those things you are supposed to. what if i fail?

in reality this will be fine and i know that. these are just the things that go racing through my mind. these are the things i fear, that often paralyze me. this time though i can't let that happen.

i am going to go start on this profile. i'll update to let you know how it goes.

showing the monster in the closet

for many of you this is your first time here. i have gotten a few concerns about my putting this out for the world to see. trust me it took me months to decide to put up this blog. i think of it like the monsters under the bed or in the closet, it is only when the lights are off that they can get you. so many times in my life i have missed out because i was afraid of the unknown. i almost didn't pursue surrogacy out of fear, and i have learned that there was much less to be afraid of than i thought. after tossing this idea around i decided that i was going to be the one to take the leap.

i have looked for surrogacy blogs from the intended parents point of view and there aren't any. for me there is no shame in this process. okay, so there is no morning sickness, i am not going to gain a bunch of weight, and i won't have to go through labor, but i will have given life to this child through a lot of really hard work. this is not a process that should be kept in the shadows, it is a beautiful way to make a family and i think that it should be celebrated. so here it is our adventure through this tangled web of lawyers, agencies, contracts, doctors, and whatever else we have yet to discover.

criticism is just a part of life, people judge each other everyday for way pettier stuff. if the worst thing that can be said about me doing this is that i took a chance, well then i am doing well. i hope one day our child will read this and be proud that all this work went into bringing them into the world. people say that you forget the pain of labor, well this is the closest i will ever come to that experience, and frankly i don't want to forget a moment. at the end of the day this is going to make my biggest dream come true.

thank you all for the love, support and concern. each of you make my life better and i couldn't do this without each of you.

Hurting

there is only one thing i have wanted since i was small - a family. i have been married for seven years to the most wonderful man in the world. he has the ability to drive me crazy like no other human being, he also has the ability to make me happier than any other person on the planet. so now all that is missing is a child.

two years ago i made the decision to have an uterine ablation, b/c my bleeding disorder caused me to have marathon periods (6 months being the record). so in order to preserve my sanity i voluntarily gave up the chance to carry my own child. i also have PCOS so getting pregnant was going to involve fertility treatments.

fast forward to now and we are starting to work with a surrogacy agency, which is only slightly less terrifying than a brazilian wax (not that i would ever have one, i am way too much of a chicken).

so you ask why am i hurting? other than being afraid that this is not going to work and we will be out of options (yes i know that you can adopt, you are reading the rant of an adopted child). i am a control freak, not that i knew this until a few years ago, i suspect that everyone around me did and i guess they just forgot to mention it. this is not a process that i can micro manage and i actually have to trust that other people are going to do their jobs and keep their promises. this is not something that i am good at. then there is the fact that everyone who comes within two feet of me are popping out children like pez dispensers. (to any of these friends you know that i am so happy for you, adore your children and in no way do i think of you as pez related products) everytime i look at a baby i want to cry and everytime i start to cry i feel guilty. i have an amazing life, and i am so lucky to have all these amazing people in it, each and every one of whom i would do anything to make their lives better.

i my heart i know that this is all going to work out, i just wish i could make my brain believe my heart, they are having trouble communicating an will be seeing a relationship councelor in the near future.