A Whirlwind

I have been super busy and there is no slowing down in sight.

The husband and I went to Denver last Thursday to see The Dead, it was an amazing show and a wonderful graduation gift. This will hopefully be our last show without a baby, yes we plan on taking the baby if we ever get the chance. I think that it is important for children to have these experiences, and let's face it these great bands are not going to be around forever. It was also just nice to get away and have a couple of days without worrying about the surrogacy and genetics. Sometimes the best thing to do is just to take a small mental break.

I graduated with a B.S. in Psychology and a B.S. in Social Work on Saturday!!!! College has been a huge struggle for me, like most things in my life. I was diagnosed with a learning disability in the fourth grade, so graduating from college is something that I did not always believe would be possible for me. I am not used to completing things in my life, most of the time when things get really hard I run. I ran a lot from college, which is why it took me 16 years to finish. I finally feel like things in my life are really coming together. As much as that scares me to death it also feels wonderful. The most wonderful part is that I did not wake up on Sunday morning feeling like some kind of adult, I just woke up and felt like there was one less thing on my plate.

At the end of this week we are going to visit Sabrina and her family!!!! Part of me is super excited. Another part of me is really scared, not because of anything anyone has done, but because until now I have been able to live a bit disconnected from this whole experience. It is safe hanging on the edges of the orbit, and I am comfortable here. I am so excited to get started, but I am also scared that these steps ahead of us are not stable and could be masking a lot of heartache and pain. I know that focusing on this part is not going to so me any good, but I am a prepare for the worst and be happy when the best happens.

I really am excited about finally being able to sit across from Sabrina and meet her family. I know that whatever the future brings that I will be able to handle the situation. The streangth that I have and my amazing support system ensures that there is nothing that I cannot survive.

Feeling Real Emotions

My baby sister is getting married!!!!!

I could not be happier she is so incredibly happy. J is an awesome guy and he loves her like she deserves to be loved. They are adorable together, and balance each other perfectly.

They are just so cute and happy and all is just so wonderful in their world.

_____________________________________________________________

We have a small family. In other words, we tend to have few big events. When we are all together you would think it was always a big event, we do have a ton of fun together. Ever since we started the surrogacy process there has been no major events, this journey has been our major event.

Suddenly I find myself in uncharted waters. Last night I was talking to C about her wedding plans and I was making plans that did not involve getting to our child. For me, the weirdest part of the whole surrogacy experience is feeling like a parent to a child that is years away from being born. We make life decisions as if they were here. I have researched baby products, education styles, been educated about all the "Mommy War" debates, and filled my head with enough information that I think it is starting to leak.

Part of me feels guilty for celebrating this happy time in my family's life. Somehow I feel like I am neglecting this future child, it feels like I am being a bad mother. As irrational as that sounds the feeling sits in the pit of my stomach. If someone else said this to me I would tell them that they were being crazy and that they should allow themselves the joy. I am enjoying this, I am happy, but there is a limit to which I feel this happiness and joy.

Infertility has taught me not to get my hopes up, because I will be disappointed. Spending years going from highs to lows, that are not allowed on roller coasters, teaches you to be suspicious of the highs because it is all going to come crashing down. Self preservation dictates this damping down of emotions. If I were to allow myself to feel all these emotions full force I would be living in a padded room by this point.

The downside to all this is that these occasions when I want to feel this incredible joy, I have a ball of anxiety that sits in my stomach. My brain sets off a siren, repeating "Warning, Warning, emotions are not good." Ignoring this warning is okay in this situation, I am going to ignore the anxiety and just be happy. The world may stop spinning, but I am willing to take the risk.

MY BABY SISTER IS GETTING MARRIED!!!! This is an amazing time. I am going to ignore the irrational guilt and just be happy for her. She deserves all my happiness. I deserve to live in the moment. It is okay that I am so happy.

Now all I have to do is lose a thousand pounds in 4 months.

My heart believes in healing

Women who are super model thin should have to work out in their own gym. My big struggling butt should not have to sweat next to the glistening sticks. I am happy they are sticks, great for them, but they should not be allowed to work out in front of me. I am sure that they think that I should have my own sty to work out in, so I do not feel bad for saying this. It is just going to be one of those days. My struggle with the weight is moving forward. I am staying off the scale for now, but my jeans are fitting a bit better. The biggest struggle at this point is not being a raving lunatic b/c I am sick of eating rabbit food. I just keep telling myself I am going to feel better, I am going to feel better.

____________________________________

I was talking about surrogacy last night to a bunch of people in my social work class, it was a primer course as they had no idea what the word meant. So once again I was answering all the questions that get on my nerves. I am working really hard at just making these answers automatic and not letting it bother me. Though it is starting to get to the point where I just want to keep my mouth shut. This time it was in the context of what I wanted to do with my degree, it had nothing to do with my personal situation. Part of the problem is that most of these "kids" still think that they are going to save the world. I lost that illusion a loooong time ago. At this point I will be happy if I can work in the social work field for ten years before I am completely burned out. We will see what happens. At this point I think I will end up in academia.

___________________________________

While I was thinking about all this on the treadmill, something else occurred to me. I am making plans that have nothing to do with my personal infertility. I am finally to a point where I can plan other things. This is HUGE, ENORMOUS. Finally this pity party is over, at least for a minute. There are finally times when I can see days when this will not be what consumes me, that there will be a time when all this will be a distant memory.

I have know this intellectually for a long time, but today my heart finally believed that there will not be a day when infertility was my whole world. Today is a day that makes me believe that I will heal from this, that these wounds will not infect my child.

surrogacy with or without an agency

some people have asked why we are using an agency rather than doing this independently. trust me there were many conversations over these issues. especially after our first experience with an agency. in the end it came down to wanting to be able to enjoy the experience without worrying so much about the details.

with our agency there is someone who looks into the insurance. someone who our surrogate will call if she needs money. someone who will make sure that she is getting the appropriate medical care, compensation and whatever else. someone who will help us with issues at the hospital, hiring lawyers, doing the psychological evaluations, and whatever else i have forgotten.

this whole process is a lot more complicated than finding a wonderful woman who is willing to carry a child for us. going to the fertility clinic to get her pregnant. then waiting 9 months to take the baby home.

for us, the agency provides us with the luxury of being able to really enjoy waiting for our child to make their appearance. instead of working out very complicated issues, in which we have no experience.

many years ago there was a phrase used in the adoption world, "as if families". parents were matched with families who could act "as if" they were born to the parents. elaborate steps were taken to try and ensure that no adopted child ever had to be told that they were adopted. agencies tried very hard to make sure that the child and parents looked a like, and that the child went home with them as soon as possible. this practice has since gone the way of the milk man. what really matters now is that the child goes to the best home possible, regardless of who looks like who, which is what really matters.

i want this experience to be as much of an "as if" pregnancy as possible. not that i am going to wear around a pregnancy suit or anything crazy like that. it is way to late for me to act like i had the baby all by myself *kicks self for starting blog*. i am not a crazy lady who thinks that we are getting pregnant. in fact hearing couples who say "we are pregnant" turns my stomach. while i think it is wonderful that men are more involved in pregnancy, let's be honest if it does not have to get out of your body you are not pregnant.

i am not sure what my role will ultimately be in this journey. what i want my role to be is head cheerleader and close friend. the day that i signed the consent for surgery i gave up ever being pregnant and knowing first hand what that experience felt like. deciding to create my family means that i am giving up the possibility that i might not be in the room when my child is born. i know that if a c-section is necessary that our surrogate will most likely choose to have her husband in the room with her, and i would not have it any other way. i know first hand that just having your husband or other significant person next to you can be a major relief of physical pain.

some surrogates have said that they felt the IM was distant and was not involved in the process. while i am really going to try not to be that way, i am very aware that this could happen. for me the reason is not jealousy or wanting to stay distant from a person with whom i do not want to develop a relationship. for me it is not wanting to step on toes or make her feel like she is being micro managed.

the fastest way to get me mad, is to not respect the fact that i know my body and mind better than you do and when i say something is okay or not i am right. what our surrogate will be going through is something i know nothing about, so i do not feel qualified to impose my opinion. i want to be a support for her, i will get her ice chips, rub her feet or whatever it is women having babies want. i want to know that she hates feeling crappy or that all food smells like mule farts, or whatever else. i want to know when the baby kicks or when it decides to punch her in the side. i want to know everything, but i do not want to burden her with my tears. because as much as i want to be there and know everything, i am scared that i will be jealous and that i will have to grieve the fact that i am never going to know these things. right now i think that i am past all this, but when faced with the situation who knows.

fact is that if we were trying to do this all on our own i do not think i would have the luxury to even worry about these things. for all the people who do manage to go indy, i think that is hugely brave. i am not one of those people. paperwork is my biggest nemesis, just filling out this paperwork has nearly sent me over the edge. trying to get through the rest of that swamp makes me want to find a cave to hide inside.

in the end, having an agency just gives me peace of mind. it will allow me to be able to enjoy what is important.

happy birthday

32 years ago today my husband was born. i have been fortunate enough to have known him for the past 16 of those years. we celebrated tonight with a dinner and just some time together. in these moments of celebration i feel so inadequate, there are all these feelings that i want to express that never leave my head.

he is my heart and soul, without US, i do not make sense. this is not to say that i need him to define me, only that i need him to share with me all that each of us brings to this relationship. over the past year our lives have become masses of nerves and stress. through it all i have been able to depend on him to prop me up when i could not even fathom standing on my own. over this year i have been driven to make our child a reality, to the point that i have pushed him to the side. not once has he yelled and screamed, he simply taps me on the shoulder hugs me tight and lets me know that he is still here.

i could not have custom ordered a better person to go through all this with. in my quest to keep my head through this mess, he has been the one patiently placing back on my shoulders. i can only hope that he knows how much i love, admire, cherish, and adore him. he is the most amazing man in the world and deserves so much more than i give him.

happy birthday hun. all my love now and forever.

Hope Notes

surprise, i know i said i was taking the weekend off, but then i came across this on stirrup queen's site.

this a campaign, movement, or whatever you feel inclined to call it, of stepping outside our own lives for a second, to give to a stranger. Hope Notes, are simply little notes left in public places that may bring a smile to someones face, or simply be a nice little surprise.

i love this idea, because it such a simple way to step outside our own lives and give to a stranger. over the years, dealing with infertility, i have heard a thousand times, "Everything happens for a reason." this phrase makes me sick, when it is used about my experience. this is an area where that phrase seems to apply perfectly. it also forces us to focus on others for a moment, which can do wonders. sitting and stewing in my personal problems never did me any good, helping others has always made me feel better, so now i have a simple way to do this.

we all have crappy days, our hearts broken, our dreams shattered, our accomplishments go unnoticed, our efforts thwarted, simply we all face struggles. now think, if on one of those days while picking up toilet paper, you came across a simple little note. it is not going to fix anything, but for a moment it might make you feel a bit better.

even if you are not inclined to take a photo, or even make a card, please smile at those you pass, or acknowledge once a day that you are not the only person on the planet. i promise it will not cost you anything, but it may mean the world to the person on the other end.

I will get off the soapbox, thanks once again for induldging the crazy lady.

Another bonus: You get to break out the crayons, markers, glue, glitter, or whatever artsy stuff floats your boat, and play, which I don't think you can ever do enough.

just me catching my breath again

seven years ago today i became a wife. i married the love of my life and to this day i pinch myself. in those quiet moments, with him in his chair and me in mine, i look over at this man who agreed to spend the rest of his life with me, and seven years later it still takes my breath away.
a lot of people say they are married to their best friend, and i believe them. when i say i married my best friend, i mean that i married a man who at one point was my friend and only my friend.
the moment he told me he was in love with me was the most magical moment of my life. it would be another 10 years before we were married, in those years our lives took many twists and turns, but that was always the moment when my whole world was right.
while we were saying our vows, all i could think of was how do i stop this without everyone noticing. in all the years we had known each other i had never seen him so white, i really thought he was going to pass out, hit the floor, or throw up on my shoes. "i just hate everyone looking at me," was the response he gave when i questioned him later. frankly, i did not know anyone else was there, for those twenty minutes it was him and i and nothing else mattered. every dream i had ever had was coming true at that moment. what ever else happens in this life, what ever else never happens in this life, i will always have that moment.
he walked into this knowing that we were not going to create a family in the conventional, back of the car manner. he walked into this knowing that there were going to be major stumbling blocks. he knew walking into this that i was flawed, in so many ways. he walked into this marriage knowing that there were sides of me that were ugly, nasty and at times down right mean. we knew each other so well the day we got married, that we could have an entire conversation standing across the room from each other, with just our eyes.
he amazes me every day. he still takes my breath away. he still makes my heart skip a beat. he still makes me feel like i am the only person in the world.
so on the day that marks seven years since we got married, i have the need to tell the world just how the man i married is amazing.

because i am not talented enough to put into words the way i truly feel about this man, i'll let David Francey do it for me:

Broken Glass

Saw you standing in the cafeteria line
I'd have given the world just to make you mine
Saw you at your locker, in the high school hall
And it didn't take a minute for my heart to fall

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Saw you on the bus, on the way back home
You were sitting so pretty, sitting all alone
Couldn't think of anything much to say
Except I'll love you forever, 'til my dying day

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Seeing her now makes me think of then
And I remember how and I remember when
You'd go to a party hoping that she'd show
Then you'd dance in the darkness to Abbey Road

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again




you just have to change the she to he, but i refuse to change the words of a genius.


if you have never heard David Francey, i recommend that you check him out, he is one of a quickly dying breed, a true musician and gentleman.

hun, if you are reading this, i love you more than all the stars in the sky. i know i am one crazy person to put up with and you do it so well.

they paid me

i got my first check as a freelance photographer (all but saturday 2). let me just say, that this would not have been my first choice of jobs, but a check is a check.
my favorite subject has and always will be children from birth to about six; these are the only humans who you do not need to coax out of self-consciousness. my favorite pictures of those i love, are those taken when they are not aware of the camera, those are the photographs who are really them.
taking photographs, for me, is about capturing pieces of personality, nonmanufactured and real. years later, that posed smile photograph will show the outlines of a figure, a photograph of personality will trigger a thousand feelings and memories. when i used to work at a mass photo studio, all the parents wanted that perfect smile picture, because they were paying an arm and a leg for them. the whole reason i quit was because i wanted these parents to have that pouty, on the verge of tears picture, along with the sweet smile. the sweet smile will last much longer than the face they made on the verge of tears for those three months.

wait while i catch my breath

this is really happening, no i am not dreaming, this is really going to work. we found an agency!!! a real live agency, and they are wonderful, responsive, and open to all our many questions. i can finally breath again and i didn't even know i was holding my breath. after what we have been through with the other agency i was scared of getting too excited, but i am starting to really trust that this will happen.

after the falling out with the other agency, i was beginning to believe that i was holding onto a dream that really was out of my reach. the pain of getting burned like that doesn't go away easily. it has made me more skeptical about the goodness of people, if that is even possible. from the first conversation with the director of the new agency though really did start to heal some of those burns.

what makes me feel so much better:
- every question i have asked has been answered
- i haven't been treated like a number
- all my concerns are taken seriously
- everyone at the agency are available to me whenever i need them

most importantly i feel that they are working for me, and not just taking my money and handing over a service. this doesn't feel like going to the furniture store, this feels like joining a team that is going to work to make this a reality. i am confident that this bumpy road will be navigated with partners that truly want the best experience for all of us embarking on this journey.

i know this sounds hokey, but i can't describe it any other way. this is a frightening adventure at times, and then there are these moments when all is right with the world. my fears are a bit calmer and i can allow myself to feel a little piece of happiness.

dealing with disappointment is learned the hard way when traveling down the infertility highway. happiness is something that you tend to forget. all in all though i think that i have managed to keep a good balance. i am a bit less trusting than i used to be, and part of that is just growing up and some of it is dealing with all the ick that comes along with infertility.

on another note. to the people who said i was voluntarily infertile. i have been telling myself everyday that i am fertile, and for some reason i still don't have a uterus and the PCOS is still there. i know this b/c i went to my annual appointment and my dr. assured me that this was the case. it did however make him laugh, which isn't that easy. you would think an obgyn would need a sense of humor, but he lost his. if you happen to find an extra let me know.

so now i've got a ton of new paperwork to fill out. then we have to find someway of putting our profile together. i'll let you know how you tell someone all about you in seven pages, or how i am going to manage to fill seven pages. truth is we just aren't that exciting.

my purdy hydrangea

one of the wonderful things about living in the south is this, even i have this beautiful plant:





trust me i have a black thumb, plants die because i look in their general direction. this one just blooms despite me being around it. the bad part is it only lasts a couple of weeks.

showing the monster in the closet

for many of you this is your first time here. i have gotten a few concerns about my putting this out for the world to see. trust me it took me months to decide to put up this blog. i think of it like the monsters under the bed or in the closet, it is only when the lights are off that they can get you. so many times in my life i have missed out because i was afraid of the unknown. i almost didn't pursue surrogacy out of fear, and i have learned that there was much less to be afraid of than i thought. after tossing this idea around i decided that i was going to be the one to take the leap.

i have looked for surrogacy blogs from the intended parents point of view and there aren't any. for me there is no shame in this process. okay, so there is no morning sickness, i am not going to gain a bunch of weight, and i won't have to go through labor, but i will have given life to this child through a lot of really hard work. this is not a process that should be kept in the shadows, it is a beautiful way to make a family and i think that it should be celebrated. so here it is our adventure through this tangled web of lawyers, agencies, contracts, doctors, and whatever else we have yet to discover.

criticism is just a part of life, people judge each other everyday for way pettier stuff. if the worst thing that can be said about me doing this is that i took a chance, well then i am doing well. i hope one day our child will read this and be proud that all this work went into bringing them into the world. people say that you forget the pain of labor, well this is the closest i will ever come to that experience, and frankly i don't want to forget a moment. at the end of the day this is going to make my biggest dream come true.

thank you all for the love, support and concern. each of you make my life better and i couldn't do this without each of you.

you all make me a better person

my friends are so wonderful and amazing. there is truly nothing that they wouldn't do for me. i feel so fortunate to have them all in my life. so to say thank you i am putting it out to the world how each and every one of them has made me better for just knowing them. i am doing this in alphabetical order so that no one can claim i don't love them best. the truth is they have all made my life richer.

amanda- is the most self confident woman i know. she will fight for what she believes in with a ferocity, which in most people would be off putting, but in her is one of her best qualities. she is the kind of person that doesn't care what others think, she knows what she believes and that is all that matters. plus she is the only person i know who cans veggies and makes her own fruit roll ups, yes fruit roll ups, who knew you could even do that.

julie- calls me while she is driving home from work because she lives in the loudest house on the planet. she has 5 kids, all of whom are great, but they are so loud, i mean make your back teeth rattle loud. she and i are different people when we are together, and she can get me to do things i never would. like when she made me stop at a "winery" in new mexico (really it was a still in someones back yard), she bugged me so much that i backed up in the middle of the road, just so she would quit. it was on that trip i realized just how dangerous it is to take her anywhere without the kids.

katherine- has gotten me through my social work classes. seriously without her i would have given up, she has been an island of sanity and comic relief, that has made my education possible. she is also my mexican food buddy, which is more valuable than most people think. my husband won't touch the stuff, and texas girls need, must have, are required to consume, mexican food on a regular basis.

lacy- she has been my rock and my strength for years. she will go down fighting with her friends, and has with me more times than i count. she is the person who will tell you if your jeans make you look fat, and yet you can't get mad, because her honesty is one of her many fantastic qualities. as a mother, well what can i say, no child has ever had a better advocate, or been loved more than her son and daughter. she is the one who would walk with you to the death chamber, not because she thought you were right, but because you are her friend, and nothing means more. i honestly wouldn't have survived without her.

lynette- come on how many people can say that they are friends, real friends, with their ex-boss. she is one of the coolest people i know, and she makes a mean meatloaf. i don't know anyone who gets involved in more drama and i really think she does it just for the entertainment. i guess that just comes with the territory when you are the southern "fag hag" extraordinaire.

nacole- she is the one who would get you out of jail in the middle of the night, that is if she wasn't sitting next to you. no one works harder than her, and still finds the time and energy to do whatever you need. plus listening to her talk about her vegetarian husband will keep you in stitches for hours.

sam- what can i say about my sam. we became friends under the worse circumstances. i have done some awful things to her. she saw me through my first real relationship, which was odd to say the least. she is the person who i call whenthe world turns upside down, because she will sit in the misery and still somehow pull me out of it. and she will forever be my after dinner mint. how many people have a friend who can take the most embarassing moment of your life and make it the best joke in the world, on the same day.

i love you all so much, that i could never really put it into words. i am so lucky that i have each of you in my life. it will take me thousands of years to even come close to repaying your love and kindness. and watch out world if i ever manage to get them all together.

my camera

since my first photography class in 8th grade, documenting pieces of my life has been a passion. for the first time in my life i was good at something, better than others, and i was not afraid of criticism, b/c it served only to make me better. more importantly though it was a way to escape. behind the lens i have a world all my own.

as a child i was painfully shy and had so much trouble making friends, that i was clinically depressed by the time i was 12. it was my camera that allowed me to be part of a world that i felt so separated from. i still have that camera, and while film is quickly dying, i don't think that i will ever give it up, it is my oldest friend.

today my camera serves to let me capture moments in time. i feel the need to preserve even the most mundane moments of my life. eventually it will probably be what my child first calls "momma". the fact is that my camera is more than a piece of machinery, it is my escape and my lifeline.