Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Wow, you mean I am still a person?

Sometimes I forget that I am an independent human and not just a mad woman on a quest to become a mother. It took a very painful facial, from the East German judge, to remind me of this fact. For the past two/three (really I have stopped counting) year I have done very little for myself. I said that I was doing things for me, but all those "things" revolved around making our family complete. I don't even have the kid and I have already lost ME.

For my last semester as an undergrad, I have to work in a social service agency, which means for the first time in a long time the majority of my day is not spent at home. It also means that I have very little time to be in the tunnel vision world of becoming a mother. Part of me loves this break, of course now I am just focused on making other women mothers (I am working at an adoption agency). Another me feels that I HAVE to take this break for a moment. I need to remember what life was like before this nonexistent human took over, so that when he/she finally does materialize I can remember that there is life beyond being his/her mother. One day he/she will not need me, so I am going to have to find something else to occupy my time.

I am taking this whole "taking care of myself" thing very seriously. Some of it I really need to do, like lose some weight, and other things I just really like to do, like getting my massages. What I am finding out is that it is hard to put the focus back on me. We are really at a stage in the process where there is nothing more that I can do, so I am not really feeling guilty. I am doing what I can. Being the best person that I can, physically, mentally and spiritually, I hope is going to allow me to be a better mother.

Still, there are times when I miss being in the position where my every move brought us a step closer to parenthood. I have never been good at giving up control, which funnily enough is something that I have only really seen in myself over the past few years. I am also learning that I am uncomfortable just being myself. In fact, I am almost to the point of hating parts of myself, which is not such a bad thing, because those are the things that I know I need to work on changing. On the other hand, there are parts of me that I really admire, parts that I forgot existed.

Right now the surrogacy adventure has become an adventure in introducing myself to myself again. Something that is really uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time.


Soralis said...

It is great to hear you are taking care of yourself. I can't imagine working at an adoption agency while going through IF though. You will make a great mother when your time comes. Good luck

Shell said...

Glad you are getting some much needed 'you' time!

Intending To Be Parents said...

First, just a big congrats on being in your last semester! You really must be a strong person (the person behind the person trying to create your family) to work in an adoption agency because I know that would be been extremely hard for me. So another congrats for that and the good work you are doing there.
Definitely take time to take care of you no matter what.
Keep doing what you're doing and I know you'll be a mom soon (and a great one!)

Beautiful Mess said...

Good for you, hon! I hope you will be able to spoil yourself and enjoy it! I have no doubt you will be a wonderful mother when the time comes and this is going to help you!

Anonymous said...

I'm very glad you're taking this time for yourself!

Oh, and TAG! You're it!

Cara said...

It is a very important stage on the way to motherhood. I find that my "me time" is still a priority so I can be a good mother.

Establish it now and you will always have that balance. Oh- and rock on with the massages!