Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Standing on the edge of reality

My hands are shaking, my lips are numb, and there are so many emotions running through me that I am unable to identify a single one. What has been a plan, detailed as it was, and is slowly becoming a reality. There are still a million details, but the biggest obstacle is out of the way. For the past 13 years, I have been focused in one way or another on becoming a mother. I have been through every conceivable possibility besides conception. With every option, I have immersed myself into the research and then made an educated decision, and each of those discarded/failed options have taken chunks of my heart. I am not the same person who started this journey, just as I would not be the same person if I had just been living a typical life for 13 years. With infertility though I have a center square, Infertile Park, and a few side streets College Ave., Wedding Lane, Day to Day Alley, and a few others whose names change off and on. I am comfortable in this little town of mine, filled with dark and rainy days, with a horrible storm that blows through a few times a year, but the temperature is comfortable and I have set down roots. The other day I began to notice that the bushes are overgrown and it is more uncomfortable to sit on the benches.

Someone showed up in town and suddenly I am not so comfortable anymore. This person is unlike many I have or ever will meet, she is the rare person is willing to give so much to a relative stranger. Sure there have been and always will be people in my life that will pick me up after the fall, but she is the one who will walk with me down this path, with a big fat belly. My feelings about this whole situation are so odd, I want to describe every emotion as they come, but they are coming so fast that I cannot catch them. We have talked this over for weeks and I was very cerebral about the whole thing, I learned a long time ago to not let my emotions get too involved too early on in the process. Tonight it all just hit me, we are really going to be intended parents, we are really going to have our surrogate, and she is a real live human who is willing to give us the ultimate gift.

The biggest thing that I was not prepared for, is this feeling of responsibility. I want to do this all perfectly so that she gets everything she deserves, minus the marching band (that might get a bit annoying). Being a mother to an infant who needs me for everything is something that I can handle, and something that I am as prepared for as I can be. Being an Intended Mother is a completely different thing. I feel responsible for someone who is a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to many, and my responsibility to her is my responsibility to them.

I am so happy, my whole family is so happy. We are here standing on the edge of reality, right where we want to be.

There are still a thousand things to work out, and I will blog every moment of them. I just need to let this all soak in for a moment.

Thank you all who stood beside me, this has been a long road, and there are still many miles to go. I could not have done this without you.

14 comments:

Beautiful Mess said...

Oh sweetie, I'm crying tears of joy for you right now! How exciting! I can't wait to learn more! HUGS!!!

AUsome mom said...

WOW! I had no idea!!! Jaymee...I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! I can't wait to hear more about this. Perseverance - perseverance!! Hey, thanks for stopping by my blog. It's a daily work in progress, but it gives me a place to hone my craft. Anyway - I'm so excited for you that I can't see straight!! Love you bunches!!!!
Diana

Rachael said...

Jaymee, I just wanted you to know I have been fllowing your blog, as it was connected to Sabrina's, my name is Rachael and I belong to a parenting forum she also belongs to. I just want to let you know I am so happy for you, and would love to follow your journey as well

Allison said...

Congratulations Jaymee!!! This is going to be so wonderful and I can't wait to follow along your journey! You're going to be a Mommy! Awesome.........

Cara said...

Jaymee - OH MY! This is so amazing - exciting - now I'm shaking. Congratulations!!!! Can't wait to hear every part of the process.

eeek! xoxo

corine said...

goosebumps! You cannot dream something so hard and not see it come true.

Cyn said...

Your sense of responsibility as an IP is very similar to the responsibility I feel as a surrogate. I have no doubt that I can/will be able to care for the baby for 9 months, but the greater mission is to make the pregnancy everything that the IP's would want and to even give them more than they knew they wanted.

I will definitely be following along and am very eager to hear it all from your perspective.

Amanda said...

i love you both, giddings. im blessed to be able to walk down this road with you! please let me know if there is anything i can do to help you guys out, and please know you can call anytime. xoxox

Intending To Be Parents said...

I am so thrilled for you!!! What an absolutely exciting time and I can't wait to hear more!!

momsoon said...

WOW!!! As someone standing on the edge of the precipice of surrogacy with you, I am thrilled to have someone to follow, cheer on, prop up- go throught this with!!!

I can't wait to go back and read more about what lead you here and look forward to what is to come- for you and us...

momsoon said...

Hey, by the way, I tagged you today for '10 Scraps of Honesty' about you...look forward to reading!!

Wendy and Chris said...

Jaymee... What an amazing gift and such wonderful news! You are so deserving of being a mom... you are going to instill so many wonderful qualities in your child. From one whose been through it (though different), it's amazing once it finally happens... it's hard to believe, yet there is no doubt in my mind that this child was meant for me. I don't know if you could find a happier person for you - I truly know! I am beside myself with joy for you guys and can't wait to meet the newest member of our family! I love you!

Kellie said...

I am so thrilled for you. From your writing I can tell you are going to be an incredible mother to your baby and a wonderfully supportive friend to your surrogate. Congratulations!

Amani said...

How did I miss this news?

I just read Sabrina's blog. I am SO THRILLED and goosebumpy and teary ... and a...YOU'RE GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!!!

Bless you and BLESS Sabrina.