Monday, December 14, 2009

Giving Up To Gain

I should be writing here, I know that when I am avoiding this space that it is when I need to be here most. Last week the failed transfer just hit me. Life had finally calmed down enough that I was able to catch my breath and that first deep breath was filled with all the crap that we have gone through this past month.


What surprised me most is that there was very little sadness. The guilt is just overwhelming, a guilt that I truly believed I was over. Over the many years I have had to process what it really means to me to be infertile, it was always the guilt that made me feel the worst. A guilt that came from being a burden. My body would not work right, which meant denying myself and others another child to love. It was/is costing us a small (HUGE) fortune to make this child come to fruition, money that could be used for other purposes. My emotional baggage from all of this turned me into a miserable person to be around, either the tears or the rage kept me from being a person who was pleasant. `

In the middle of my big pity party, the husband said something. He said that without all of this I would not be the person I am. Which got me thinking. Yes, this has changed me in ways that are both good and bad. More importantly though, without all of this we would not be creating our family in such a beautiful and amazing way.

Surrogacy would never be the first choice of anyone to create a family. Being able to give up so much to gain something so huge is not easy. At times it feels like walking through a minefield, the other side is amazing but every step is filled with anxiety and fear. Having another family come into your life forever is not always easy, for all the same reasons that no relationship is ever easy. I am so grateful that we found someone who is so easy for us to work with, someone who just fits so perfectly into our lives. Like all relationships you have to be ready to fully let someone into your life. I had to really look at what was important to me in creating our family.

Giving up control. Giving up so many moments. Fearing that all the worst would happen. It is easy to say that you would do anything to have a child, but walking into the world of surrogacy really challenges that idea. Going into this process carrying all the pain, hurt, anger, and fear increases the chances of having a very miserable journey. I am not saying that it is ever possible to rid yourself of all this, but having these be the primary emotions of your life is just going to serve to make everyone miserable.

I will be the first to admit that I am so lucky, blessed, glitter covered, or whatever you want to call it to have Sabrina. It is easy to trust someone who is as open, confident, and sure of herself. I am able to trust her with such ease and for that I am truly grateful. Yes, this is not the first way that I would have chosen to create our family. Now that I am here I cannot imagine not creating our family through surrogacy. For all that we have given up, we have gained so much. We are on the receiving end of the closest thing to true altruism that many people will ever experience, and that is a beautiful and amazing way to bring a child into the world.

16 comments:

emilythehopeless said...

{HUGS} and LOVE

Saige said...

This is a beautifully written and heart-felt post. I have no words for what you are going through. I wish that things were different, yet not. You are always in my prayers.

*hugs*

jenicini said...

J - I'm sorry that this has been such a difficult time for you. Just when you think you have resolved a feeling, it will come back and slap you down. You are strong though so you get back up. When you say that there is so much you have gained from the experience, I have to say my heart is with you on this one. We are so very lucky to have people willing to help. Lots of hugs.

Kelli said...

Thanks for being so honest. I've been thinking about you and praying that you're doing well...sorry to hear that you've been struggling, my friend.

Your post was beautifully written and I'm thankful that you decided to trust us enough to let us in. I'm still so sorry that you're having to deal with this...but I think your discounting something in all this...your amazing strength! I think it takes a very special person to walk the path that you've been given. Not to let the fear or hurt or loss of control keep you from moving forward...I'm not sure that I could do it and I think it speaks to incredible fortitude that you can.

Hang in there, girl. We are all still praying for you guys (Sabrina included) and know that your blessing in coming, even if we don't know when.

((Hugs to you))

Circus Princess said...

I've missed you and I'm glad to see you back here :)
What a beautiful post about unusual circumstances!

((((((Big hugs)))))

Beautiful Mess said...

This post is nothing short of amazing, it truly is. I know you have struggled with your emotions, but the way you described your relationship with Sabrina is beautiful. I am so glad you two found each other. You both are amazing women and compliment each other so well. This road you two are traveling may be bumpy, but you two make it look so smooth because of the love you feel for each other. It's just pure beauty. I am so honored to be able to witness this miracle. Thank you!
*HUGS*

Soralis said...

Thinking of you and wishing for you...

Steven Spatz said...

My wife and I are almost mid-way through our Gestational Surrogacy journey -- she is carrying for a lovely couple -- and have just now started to devote time reading others' stories about all things surrogacy. It can be such a joyous miracle...or an emotional struggle. And more often than not, some of both as we're discovering. We're quickly adding to our prayer list for those who are dreaming, praying and hoping for their miracle to happen, and now we have a new entry or two! M&S (And our story is depicted on http://www.guestwomb.com.)

Kimberly said...

Jaymee your experience is inspiring to all who read about it. You and Matt are going to make such amazing parents. I am proud to call you my friend.

Kim

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MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

Thanks for such an honest post. The new year will hopefully bring about changes, big changes for the better!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

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FET Accompli said...

Another beautiful, honest post. Surrogacy is such an emotional journey. It was not always easy, but holding your little one(s) will make it all worth it.

THE BLUEST BUTTERFLY said...

Hugs to you. This was a very brave post.

TABI said...

My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. Surrogacy is a wonderful journey but as you say full of mines. It's a hard road, but I am confident you will have your family. I know it. Keep hopeful, keep writing, and keep strong.