Wanting a child that is not here has always been hard. So, I am not sure why I really thought this year would be different. Being closer than I have ever been to becoming a mother has made this holiday season almost unbearable. Really, I just did not expect this.
Monday, November 30, 2009
When the transfer did not work, I was really okay. Other people were way more upset than I was and really that bothered me. Not because I was upset with them, but because it really made me realize just how many people want this for me and for themselves. I have always known that my parents and sister want a new addition to our family, and I carry an extreme amount of guilt for not being able to just give this to them. It was all the other people in my life that I had just never really thought about. I am so thankful that there are so many people who are going to love this child, I just wish that there was not the disappointment.
Over Thanksgiving, we just stayed home. Part of the reason was that the husband was a bit sick, but the biggest reason was that I could just not face being around people who felt badly for me. I hate the pity more than I hate the infertility. Yes, it sucks there is nothing about this that is fun, but it is the hand we have been dealt and we are dealing with it. Failure is just a part of this, and having everyone know about the failure is a horrible part. The comfort is wonderful but for me it always seems to come along with pity, and it is very possible that I am just reading it that way.
Maybe this will be the last holiday season that I feel this way, and maybe I still have many more ahead of me. You just never know, but whatever happens I am going to be okay because I have no other choice. A very long time ago I decided that infertility was never going to get the best of me. Parts of me are forever changed and not all those changes are for the better, but in the end I refuse to be beaten by this. I refuse to have the fact that I am infertile forever define my life. If I end up with a child or not, I refuse to be the person who lost herself to a medical diagnosis. Right now, I am not sure that I am doing a very good job of this, but I am doing the best that I can. My life is still happening and I am still standing and for today I will call that a victory.