Monday, November 30, 2009

holidays, again

Wanting a child that is not here has always been hard. So, I am not sure why I really thought this year would be different. Being closer than I have ever been to becoming a mother has made this holiday season almost unbearable. Really, I just did not expect this.


When the transfer did not work, I was really okay. Other people were way more upset than I was and really that bothered me. Not because I was upset with them, but because it really made me realize just how many people want this for me and for themselves. I have always known that my parents and sister want a new addition to our family, and I carry an extreme amount of guilt for not being able to just give this to them. It was all the other people in my life that I had just never really thought about. I am so thankful that there are so many people who are going to love this child, I just wish that there was not the disappointment.

Over Thanksgiving, we just stayed home. Part of the reason was that the husband was a bit sick, but the biggest reason was that I could just not face being around people who felt badly for me. I hate the pity more than I hate the infertility. Yes, it sucks there is nothing about this that is fun, but it is the hand we have been dealt and we are dealing with it. Failure is just a part of this, and having everyone know about the failure is a horrible part. The comfort is wonderful but for me it always seems to come along with pity, and it is very possible that I am just reading it that way.

Maybe this will be the last holiday season that I feel this way, and maybe I still have many more ahead of me. You just never know, but whatever happens I am going to be okay because I have no other choice. A very long time ago I decided that infertility was never going to get the best of me. Parts of me are forever changed and not all those changes are for the better, but in the end I refuse to be beaten by this. I refuse to have the fact that I am infertile forever define my life. If I end up with a child or not, I refuse to be the person who lost herself to a medical diagnosis. Right now, I am not sure that I am doing a very good job of this, but I am doing the best that I can. My life is still happening and I am still standing and for today I will call that a victory.

11 comments:

Circus Princess said...

I agree. The feeling of failure and to have disappointed so many people sometimes overshadows the relief and support of family and friends knowing about your struggles... but what can we do...

You are such a strong woman and although I only know a fraction of all that you are, infertility far from defines who that person is.

Big hugs!

athena said...

there was always a point in our repeated failures where i felt the empathy change to pity to a point of embarrassment. i definitely get it.. we avoided a lot last year.. and this year distance helps us avoid more. there is nothing worse than a failure, especially right before christmas. UGH. every year we wonder if we will be childless the next time we decorate our tree.
hey, you are stronger than infertility! but! you are allowed good days and bad days. (something i remind myself of constantly).. {HUGS}

corine said...

I remember wanting to move and change friends rather than face their pity. As for Christmas, be reassured, it can suck big time with kids too.

jenicini said...

I get you. You are a strong woman.

Trea said...

Jaylee I so get what you mean about the pity. We have a blog but did it just for friends and family so they could follow our journey in India.....I hadn't posted since June until yesterday and actually went in and disabled the access for them all cos I just needed to vent and didn't want them to feel sorry for me! And this time of year sucks big time it seems to be just another reminder of how after yet another year some of us have not moved at all yet we have travelled so far. Hang in there, I read ur blog and along with loads of others am praying that 2010 will be a very good year for us all. Cheers trea

Soralis said...

Holidays can be such a tough time of year, a failed cycle sure doesn't make it any better.

Thinking of you and hoping that this is your last holiday season wishing for so much more.

Hugs

Meg. said...

Isn't the IF blogging community a Godsend? You'll never get pity from us -- only understanding, love and support. I wish it could always be the same with IRL friends and family. *sigh*

I know you hate the Pollyanna shit (and so do I), but I believe with all my heart that the Jaymee baby will be conceived this year.

You have come so ridiculously far in this journey. I'm forever proud of you.

Kristin said...

You are amazing!

FET Accompli said...

That post had so much beauty in it. I totally get staying home for Thanksgiving dinner. I have stayed home from so many events, and to be honest, I don't think I ever regretted it. The pity-looks just suck.

You note that "Parts of me are forever changed and not all those changes are for the better, but in the end I refuse to be beaten by this." I know what you mean - the battles I have been through have certainly changed me, and not all for the better, but they have certainly given me perspective and
the ability to better relate to and comprehend the deep struggles we face. I have always been grateful for what I have, but I was so naive. Maybe that's a good thing, to be a bit naive. To waltz through life without any challenges. But as it has turned out, we have encountered struggles, and from those we have grown. I seem to be rambling...

Expectant Duck said...

HOw did I miss htis post? I'm with FET, ther eis so much buety in this.
I agree, I am forever different (But infertility is like all really big life events, they forever change us). It's really good to be at that point, where you decide that you won't let this kill you, you are still standing and that is for sure, a victory.

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

I love your post today, so honest and forthright. I especially love how you won't let lifes challenges, even ones as big as beat you down.

You are a great person, always will be, and I'm sure with determination and positive thinking and faith you will also be a mom too.

Hugs