Monday, March 22, 2010

a simple sound

wow, how did it get to be the end of march and ILCW already? if you want to read how this story came to be go here.

this month has really just flown by, and while i have gotten a lot done there is still so much more i have to accomplish. saturday marked the 10 week mark. while this is wonderful news, when sabrina called to let me hear the heartbeat i really got a big smack in the head.

for just over 2 years we have been working to become parents through surrogacy and egg donation, and making a lot of really difficult decisions. a funny thing happened to us, and it is something i suspect that a lot of people dealing with infertility deal with, we got so wrapped up in the day to day process of getting to pregnancy that we forgot that we have to bring a live human being home. that beautiful heartbeat that makes my heart melt belongs to a real human being who we are expected to raise into adulthood. don't misunderstand me, we are so excited about becoming a complete family i cannot adquetly describe how happy we are to take on this challenge. that said, this is terrifying.

i have thrown myself into the books, checked into infant cpr classes, cried a little, and researched much more than i should have. information is power, and sometimes that power can make you a little batty. what i am most terrified of cannot be easily fixed with books or information, at least not fully. i have wanted to be a mother since i was a child, and when motherhood did not come easily i lost pieces of myself along the way. at the same time, i picked up a lot of anxiety. when you face not having the life that you have always wanted, and spend years knowing that the main desire of your heart is just out of reach, two things happen. first, there is a tendency to loose sight of the bigger picture, because it is hard enough to focus on the next step. second, the desire to protect this dream becomes so strong that it can overtake your life. it is the second part of this equation that feeds the terror monster in my head.

children are not born knowing how they came into the world, they do not care that you have waited years for them. they have every right to live their life without having to carry the burden of being the cure for years of heartbreak. i know that i have to let my child experience all that life has to offer, including those things that can cause bodily harm, like walking! i also know that there is a part of me that is terrified that something horrible is going to happen. i know that this is a normal reaction, and i am really trying to curb the desire to buy up the world's supply of bubble wrap because a bubble wrapped kid would make potty training a wee bit difficult. still i cannot shake the feeling of terror. there is going to be a human being depending on me for everything and that is scary because it is supposed to be scary.

surrogacy is an amazing experience, but this is one of the downsides. i have way too much time on my hands. because i am not worrying about holding down breakfast or fitting into the pants that fit perfectly yesterday morning. i just have unlimited amounts of time to think about everything that could go wrong and all the things that could go right. there are no feelings of jealousy that celtus is being cared for by another woman, because there is no person that i would trust more than sabrina to bring cletus into the world. there are just those moments when i wished i had something else to occupy my brain. preparing the house is helping, because that process comes with millions of distractions.

having to take an honest look at everything i own and the purpose that it serves is exhausting, but so worth the effort. i am still amazed that i let things get to this point, but the deeper i dig through it the more i realize that i am ready for this part of my life to be over. i am ready to take on this new role and i am ready to do all the hard work that i need to do on myself. as hard as this all is, there is nothing that i would not do for the person attached to that heartbeat. because that simple sound is part of my heart. there may not be a grain of my dna, i may not be the physically pregnant one, but that heartbeat belongs to a person who will change my life forever. that heartbeat belongs to my child, and there will never be a mroe beautiful sound in the world.


Valery said...

That is soo beautiful! And yes, when the getting there takes so long there is too much time to think. A young father once told me being scared of "forgetting" the baby, he said:"the baby could die if we forget to feed it" Little did he know that newborns can cry so loud there is no room in our brain to think of anything else. Probably not even heartbreak!

Jules said...

A beautiful post.

It's true after wanting something for so long, the final outcome becomes a dream. Even when reality is so close, the fog of the past puts a haze in the view & it still seems so far from the truth (IYKWIM).

For us, it still didn't seem real until well after we brought our little people home. Were they real ours? Even now I stop & wonder how we go here.

Congratulations & good Luck.

athena said...

idle time really is hard!! i feel a lot of these feelings too.. even though we're way farther out. i'm so so so happy you got to hear cletus' heart beat :)

Crossed Fingers said...

Wow...what a beautiful post and words that ring true no matter how you bring your child into your family. We're still TTC and I have the same worries you have. I think it's natural and normal. What an amazing journey you're on - I'd love to follow it!

ICLW #59

Kristin said...

What a beautiful, touching post.

jenicini said...

Congrats on hitting ten weeks! I can empathize with the terror. It's like, wow this really worked and now, baby! It's a whole new ball game with so much to learn! You are going to be a great mom Jaymee. :)

Catrisha T said...

What a beautifully written and touching post. Congrats on making it to 10wks and getting to hear the heartbeat.

ICLW #33

theworms said...

Great post and Congrats!


daega99 said...

Such a wonderful story. All the best!!


Rachael said...

It is truly a heartbreaking thing to have your heart living outside of your own body, as I have heard motherhood being described and its so true. I try to swallow those fears every day as my crazy 4 yr old boy jumps from everything in sight and asks for a motorcycle daily. Esp since he will undoubtedly be the only child I ever have, I was blessed with him even thru the infertility of endometriosis. Sometimes its better to close the laptop or the book and just dream of all the good things! Cause it will be mostly all good : ) I am so happy for you

Jennifer said...

What a beautiful post. I loved it. I can't wait to read more of your story and follow your journey! Best wishes to you.

ICLW #28

Kait said...

That was a really amazing post. It's funny that I read it right after having a conversation with my DH about whether we should buy the nursery furniture now or wait until the baby is born, because even though I'm in the third trimester I'm still terrified something will happen before I bring my baby home. I too suffer from some intense anxiety (made worse by my ectopic) and my pregnancy (especially the first trimester) was really difficult for a while. I kept thinking that the farther along I got, the easier it would be, and when my child was born, it would be even easier. I'm realizing that neither is true. I'll be scared until I hold my baby in my arms, and then I will continue to be scared for the rest of my life. I think that is what parenthood is all about. But we do have to find ways to deal with it, or we will make ourselves, and our children crazy.

I used to go to an anxiety group and one woman was there because her anxiety about her kids being hurt or killed was keeping her from letting them do anything. She didn't allow them on field trips if she couldn't come and they weren't allowed at people's houses either. She knew she was hurting them, not protecting them, but she couldn't stop. I remember telling myself right then that if I didn't figure out how to control my anxiety it could easily get that bad.

I hope you can find ways to lessen your worries. If I come across anything amazing, I'll send it your way.

Kait @

Indigo said...

So beautiful, may your dreams come true!

ICLW #113/114

rarejule said...

I knew you'd find something to do today... ;) love & hugs to you!!

Beautiful Mess said...

Oh I am so glad you were able to hear your little one's heart beat! That's such a beautiful sound! You are SO ready for this! You are a great mother!

Willow said...

I know what you mean--in 3 years of TTC, with my entire life focused around making a baby, I never read a single parenting book. I couldn't bear to, not knowing when I would ever need the information contained there. So when we were blessed with a very quick adoption of our son, I was reading frantically and absorbing all I could from the NICU nurses because I could barely change a diaper and was suddenly bringing a newborn home! But I absorbed a lot and a lot came naturally and our baby boy is doing wonderfully. Your baby will too. How exciting to be preparing for mommyhood--enjoy it!

christina said...

What a beautiful post! Congrats on making it to 10 weeks!! Best wishes to you and your surrogate, and of course, sweet baby!!