Thursday, March 11, 2010

psychotic nesting!

i have discovered a really bad part of being an intended mother, i have NOTHING to at the moment and then suddenly i will be momma. can i just tell you how terrifying and overwhelming that feels right now? A WHOLE BIG HUGE MUCHES!!!!!

when we moved into this house we both were very busy. instead of really getting everything put away properly most of our stuff ended up wherever it would fit. add to this living here for the past 4 years, well i will let you do the math. i have worked non-stop for the past couple of weeks, with the help of an amazing friend who i am forever indebted to, and managed to get my house to the middle stage. i knew that it was bad, but i had no idea how bad. i have to put a lot of things away and finding new homes for things that need to come out of the guest room, because everything has to come out of there. another week or so and i should have everything finished.

it feels wonderful to be at this point, but also very frustrating that i let it get to this point. i think that i thought i was handling this whole reproduction thing a lot better than the state of my house showed. there is no doubt that the past three years have been some of the most overwhelming of my life so far. there was no energy left for me to take care of the house, most of the time i was just hanging on till the next day. then there were the weeks that i waited for the next phone call, email, or smoke signal. those were the days when i would sit in the dark. rarely did i open the blinds because i could not face the mess and i just did not have the energy to open the blinds. i did not realize this until i started going through here and that terrifies me. the terror part is not from knowing i was feeling those feelings, but in not having any clue that i was not doing well at all. the fact is that i was miserable and unable to work my way through the feelings because i had no idea that i was in such a hole.

i open the blinds every day, things are not perfect but i can somewhat stand to see the mess. there is a different person living here, that real me i hope, i feel like i can breathe. there have been tiny exhales, but i really cannot remember when i was able to really feel like i was breathing. all the things that could possibly go wrong now are so much easier to handle, we have gotten farther than we ever have and for right now that feels great. we are getting there and i still cannot believe that we are really here.

these past two weeks have shown me just how easy it is to ignore things that are just too big to deal with at the time. at least i know there is a good chance that this can come back if the littlest stress could make a huge crack. not because i am fragile but because it is going to take a while for me to trust this new feeling. that happiness stuff is invading my misery and throwing me all off balance. forgive me if i am not great about writing, but hope that it will be a very short time.

11 comments:

Valery said...

yay for opening the blinds!
I always find tidying up and cleaning out the hardest part. Change is never easy, and you are practicing now. You might get used to it! and your feelings will catch up...
hugs for your hard work!

rarejule said...

Oh Jaymee, your post reminded me of a favorite childhood song!

So, let the sun shine in, face it with a grin
Smilers never lose and frowners never win
So, let the sun shine in, face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

You can do it!!

jenicini said...

Yay, you've gotten started. I think that's the hardest part. Trusting the happiness is a huge leap. Really, we've seen too many people fall on the sad side of the statistics to trust this. At least, that's how I feel about it all. Happy, but still not sure this is really real. Off balance is right! Hang in there!

Kristin said...

I'm so glad you've opened the blinds and you are letting the happiness beat back the darkness.

{{{Hugs}}}

Saige said...

Cleaning out your house will really help you combat those feelings properly too. It will give you a great sense of accomplishment along with knowing you are closer to being prepared and bringing your baby home. It is going to do wonders for your emotional state. It is like you are shedding off the layers (or years) of depression and disappointment as you move onto a new, more fulfilling life. This is a big step in the happier direction.

Good luck with the rest of it.

*hugs*

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

You know I'm a firm believer that your house is a good representative of your heart.

Sounds like that is true for you too....

Maybe the mess is an external version for the mess of emotions inside?

And while you work on that mess inside, your more able to do the same outside in your house.

It's good to hear that things are slowly healing, changing and happiness is beginning again.

Wishing 4 One said...

Letting teh happiness in and feeling it, not an easy thing to do so a HUGE congrats to you. I too am kind of at that stage, so happy & grateful to be 8w1d pregnant with twins today but so cautious and wondering what tomorrow will bring. Not easy to balance, but I will try to keep my blinds open and let the happiness shine through. Thank you for writing this inspiring post. Happy March iclw.

Heather said...

Take care of your own heart first...then, you will be able to face the world head on. Coming out of the "funk" is the first step...the rest will fall in to place.

ICLW #29

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Isn't that feeling of the sun on your face a great thing? It's nice to feel that little trickle of joy in the darkness. Very happy for you.

ICLW

Liddy said...

We are doing the same thing and I too am indebted to two dear friends. We have decided to flip three rooms and try to get mine and E's life in order.

Liddy from
No. 144: the unfair struggle (male-factor, speedskating, life)

awomanmyage said...

ICLW

Glad to hear that you are clearing up your space - it really does allow good things to come in. And it makes it easier to breathe and to think.