I Have Been in a Fog

I have not written in a while for a number of reasons.

First, I am having a hard time making myself do anything. Part of the problem is that I am still trying to adjust to the medication and part of it is that I am just overwhelmed. As I have said before I am getting close to finishing college which is terrifying on so many different levels. In some ways I am setting myself up for failure, and that is not going to happen, but it is easy for me I know how to fail.

Second, what was already a scary financial obligation of surrogacy is getting even more frightening with the current situation that we are all facing. Part of me knows that we will find a way to accomplish this not matter what, another part of me is trying to prepare myself for the reality that this might not happen. I am in the process of finding ways to cut costs, which is not easy. I need this to work, my heart needs this to work.

Over the past week or so I have actually begun to entertain the idea of what our life would be like if we were childless. The first thing that came to me is that it would not just affect us but our whole family and while I know they would be supportive I also know they would be broken hearted. Under no circumstances are we having a child to satisfy others, but the reality is that infertility affects everyone that loves you and has suffered right along with you. For me though, while it would break my heart in ways that I cannot fathom, I would learn to live without ever being a mother. It is conceivable to me that I could find a way to do something really meaningful in this world that would make it bearable. People go through their lives without children all the time and they find a way to have beautiful, meaningful and often extraordinary impacts on the world. Even though I thought mine would be to raise a child who loved and respected everyone it may not be and I am starting to accept that as okay.

Just because I am starting to think about these things does not mean that I am giving up we are still planning on going ahead in the new year. It is important to me that I know what my life will look like in the future, so I have something to throw out the window when my world gets turned upside down and the road takes a big curve. Plans are made to be broken and goals are set to be changed, what is important is that we keep looking into a future and seeing all the possibilities that life has to offer.

I am going to try and be here more I promise, and I will try to find some ways to make this more affordable which I promise to share. Thank you for your patience with me. This road is long and lonely at times, but I am finding a lot of amazing people along the way.