Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Have Been in a Fog

I have not written in a while for a number of reasons.

First, I am having a hard time making myself do anything. Part of the problem is that I am still trying to adjust to the medication and part of it is that I am just overwhelmed. As I have said before I am getting close to finishing college which is terrifying on so many different levels. In some ways I am setting myself up for failure, and that is not going to happen, but it is easy for me I know how to fail.

Second, what was already a scary financial obligation of surrogacy is getting even more frightening with the current situation that we are all facing. Part of me knows that we will find a way to accomplish this not matter what, another part of me is trying to prepare myself for the reality that this might not happen. I am in the process of finding ways to cut costs, which is not easy. I need this to work, my heart needs this to work.

Over the past week or so I have actually begun to entertain the idea of what our life would be like if we were childless. The first thing that came to me is that it would not just affect us but our whole family and while I know they would be supportive I also know they would be broken hearted. Under no circumstances are we having a child to satisfy others, but the reality is that infertility affects everyone that loves you and has suffered right along with you. For me though, while it would break my heart in ways that I cannot fathom, I would learn to live without ever being a mother. It is conceivable to me that I could find a way to do something really meaningful in this world that would make it bearable. People go through their lives without children all the time and they find a way to have beautiful, meaningful and often extraordinary impacts on the world. Even though I thought mine would be to raise a child who loved and respected everyone it may not be and I am starting to accept that as okay.

Just because I am starting to think about these things does not mean that I am giving up we are still planning on going ahead in the new year. It is important to me that I know what my life will look like in the future, so I have something to throw out the window when my world gets turned upside down and the road takes a big curve. Plans are made to be broken and goals are set to be changed, what is important is that we keep looking into a future and seeing all the possibilities that life has to offer.

I am going to try and be here more I promise, and I will try to find some ways to make this more affordable which I promise to share. Thank you for your patience with me. This road is long and lonely at times, but I am finding a lot of amazing people along the way.

5 comments:

Cyn said...

I know you've explained your reasons for wanting to work with an agency, but honestly with the right match, and the time to find the right match, working 'independently' really hasn't been too tough.

If you ever have any questions about the 'independent' process please feel free to ask.

Many wonderful people have lived wonderful lives without children and if you end up ok with that decision than no one should fault you. However, don't give up just because you're afraid. We're all afraid, but we get through it together!

Maggie May said...

I found your blog through Juniper and read through many of your posts. What a struggle you've been through and are going through! I have endometriosis and I do have two biological children, but I probably cannot have anymore. I don't know what the stastics are for me, but they are low, after three surgeries.
I wanted to mention I take high doses of fish oil daily and you wouldn't believe the difference it made in my mood, and periods. It helps balance your hormones and really lifts depression.

Cara said...

The twists and turns of your road and the choices you have to make are really hard.

Please lean on us if you need to, but know we don't expect anything.

xoxo

Amani said...

Jaymee,

Try to focus on finishing your studies if you can. Adjusting to medication takes a huge toll on your body and mind. One day at a time, okay?

xxx

TABI said...

I know what you mean by being in a fog. It's a lot to handle at once and I hope you finding a clearing soon. I am waiting to find a surrogate and it's seeming like it's going at snail's pace. So I am trying to focus on other things. It's so hard but I think we just have to keep hopeful for the future and take it a step at a time.