Thursday, October 23, 2008

Not Your Typical Easter Egg Hunt

Now that you all know we are using an egg donor, I thought I would try to explain the process for choosing a donor. As in all things written here this was my experience.

Step 1: Google "egg donation agency"

Step 2: After smoke clears, attempt to remain calm

Step 3: Realize that this is going to take a lot longer than I thought

Step 4: Begin going through each agency

    A: look at location

    B: year in operation

    C: number of potential donors

    D: contractual obligations of both parties

    E: cost

Step 5: Realize that this is going to be much harder than I thought, close the computer and walk away for a little while.

Step 6: Realize that this child is not ever going to be born if I cannot make decisions.

Step 7: Decide that I will give myself a month to narrow down candidates to four.

I know that four sounds simple, how many people could possibly look like another person? This is the point that having just enough information to be dangerous severely hampers this process. What is more important to me is not that my child will be the most beautiful person in the room; in fact I would rather they not be, as being to one end of any spectrum is never a good thing.

The List (Not in any order):

  1. Must be willing to work with all people, because this shows that she is open-minded.
  2. High GPA, SAT scores or whatever else.
  3. Willing to meet the child should they desire to do so when they are older.
  4. Has musical ability. Not that I have any, but let's give the kid a fighting chance.
  5. Likes being social.
  6. Enjoys giving to others. Which is most of them otherwise they would not be willing to donate their eggs.
  7. Must have good family medical history. I do not have a complete family medical history and that has caused problems for me.

That list got me about 100 results. 100 is nowhere near 4. Maybe I am going to need 2 months. Now we are going to get to the part where I feel shallow. I try very hard not to be a judgmental person. As a child, I was teased for being ugly and always have felt horrible about the way I look and the internet does not have enough room for me to list all the things I do not like about myself. So starting to eliminate potential donors on the basis of looks just feels gross. On the other hand I cannot think of anything else to narrow down the pool, and I cannot figure out a way to use all 100 donors.

My thought process:

  • Eye color, not something I really care about. I have hazel eyes and Joe-Bob has blue. Maybe blue because I love blue eyes.
  • Height not too short over 5'3" not too tall under 5'11". I am 5'5" and Joe-Bob is 6'2". I do not want a toddler who is taller than me.
  • Hair color? I have brown and Joe-Bob has red, so maybe red since it is recessive, but brown is good too.
  • Body composition well we are both fat and hate being so (we need to get in the gym). Okay thin would be good, being fat sucks. I went to fat camp at 12 and have always struggled with my weight and having a child doing so would break my heart.
  • Nose shape. Okay, Joe-Bob has a tiny nose (he hates it), but some people in his family have ample nose. No reason to give the genetics lottery more ammunition, a smaller nose would be good. What, rhinoplasty is expensive?

I guess it will come as no surprise that we still have not narrowed this down very far. Oh wait, Joe-Bob chose me so he should choose the egg donor, right? His answer to this was, "I trust your judgment, just narrow it down to 10 and then I will help you." Seriously, 10 is an impossible number.

Now I have it down to 50. No the rest of them were not fat with huge noses. I just started taking women out for stupid reasons, like a love of sushi. I do not know if I like sushi, because I cannot bring my self to try eating raw fish, I have hang ups.

To top this all off, leave it to my husband to throw all my work out the window. "You know that if you want everything she has we should get her parents to make us embryos." Thanks honey, I love you too.


Sassy said...

That sounds so difficult. Good luck making your decision.

Cyn said...

As if getting to the point of using an egg donor wasn't tricky enough, it sounds like actually picking one is even tougher.
Maybe a good friend could go through it with you-or a stranger off the internet (I volunteer to help :) ).

Either way you will get through it. It's a good sign that there's not just 1 that you really want though, since there always seems to be bumps in these roads.

Thinking of you!!

Intending To Be Parents said...

Wow, that is a tough egg hunt - but I think your way of narrowing things sounds perfectly reasonable - the reasons you eliminate someone from the pile might seem arbitrary to someone else or even to you, but it could be a bit of a gut-instinct kicking in and it's always best to follow that feeling. I hope that narrowing it down somehow gets easier so you can arrive at that place sooner where you have the 4 picked and feel good about your choices. From reading your blog I know you can do this.

corine @ hidden in france said...

You know in France, you cannot choose your donor. I though that was heartless, but now I can see the immensity of choices, the crazy making.

A friend of mine has two daughters via egg donor. They look exactly like her, blue eyed, red haired. THe family resemblance is uncanny. They chose a donor who looked like her. They could not be happier.

Kymberli said...

To the PP - I can't imagine not being able to choose an ED. It's such a personal, heart-lead decision.

Jaymee, thank you for taking us through your thought process for choosing an ED. I am learning so much from your posts.


Tanya said...

I didn't use an egg donor... but I did use a sperm donor. My clinic gave me a list of three different "suppliers" that they use on a regular basis (I didn't have to use one of these though). From that point I looked at the three sites and had a definate preference as to which site to use based on the amount of information they provided.

I'm CMV negetive so that narrowed down the options by about 75%, Canadian (more regulations = more screening of donors = less donors).

From that point I chose primarily based on medical history but also picked someone with similar colouring, not too tall, not too large (I'm fat and baby didn't need two strikes against him).

It took me weeks and I had far less options than you do.

One thing I did find helpful was to input the "important data" for the donors I was considering into a spreadsheet so I could compare them side by side.

~Jess said...

I was about the same as you, when choosing our sperm donor. It certainly isn't any easy process.

Good luck!

Stacie said...

Wow. That does sound like a difficult challenge. Sending positive decision making energy your way...

Here from ICLW

Michelle said...

I'm sure you are over whelmed but have faith in yourself, you will do fine and get this done. *hugs*