Saturday, March 7, 2009

and i thought the week before was crazy

We found a new RE. As for the other RE, it was not him personally; it is the stupid state of Alabama. It just happens to be something that is not allowed, then again maybe not prohibited, but no one will do the transfer. Which is fine, we are just going to move the show to Texas, where my parents live.

As you can imagine a new RE brings all kinds of new things. I have come to expect this. If you want easy and uneventful do not go through infertility. All the things that have blown me away during this process do not even come close to what happened at 2:05 on March 5th. It is three days later, and I am still not sure that I have gotten over the shock. In fact, I know that I have not because I am still having a hard time believing this whole situation is real. I am still waiting to wake up with everyone laughing at me.

What is the big news you ask?

First, a little background information so that this all makes a bit more sense. I have a bleeding disorder (von Willebrand's) which is genetic. I have a very mild form, which has still managed to wreak havoc in my life. Potentially, I could pass this on to my child and it is possible that they will have a worse type. It was a no brainer that we would use an egg donor. Never have I had a huge need to be the biological parent of my child. To me, biology is such a small part of being a parent that is just never mattered. You can imagine my shock when I learned that it might be possible to use my own eggs, and we could screen the embryos before we implanted one.

I still cannot believe that I am able to write that sentence, and it is true. My eggs, my genes without the scariest bad part, a child that may have my eyes, someone in my life that is actually genetically related to me. These are all things that I could never imagine and I was fine without. Now that they are a possibility, I am a little freaked out, a lot excited, and completely guarded. I have learned, a thousand times over, not to get my hopes up when it comes to infertility treatments. Many things still need to be figured out, none of which I fully understand. All I know is that I am going to be stuck with a needle a lot and spending a lot of time in the doctor's office. I just never thought that this would ever happen to me, things like this just do not happen to me.

Then I keep coming back to the whole idea that none of this ever mattered to me. So what are all these new feelings? Where did this excitement come from? I know that part of it is not having to tell my child that I am not genetically related to him/her, and having to help him/her work through all the feelings and issues that come along with that revelation. It was something I was prepared to do but certainly not something that I was looking forward to doing. The main reservation had to watch my child wrestle with all the feelings that were so hard for me to reconcile for myself. Personally, there was the fact that I was going to have to do a stepparent adoption, which always just felt so wrong to me. Yes, the child would be mine once he/she was born; there was just something about being called a stepparent that always bugged me. Not that there is anything wrong with being a stepparent, one who I consider my parent plain and simple raised me. It was just in this particular situation. We will have been married for at least nine years by the time the baby arrives, and if it had not been for my hard work the baby would never exist, so being called a stepparent in a legal document just seemed to negate my roll in this whole situation. That is all behind us now, in theory.

I know that one day, like at the birth, I will be able to relax and be happy about this completely new development. Right now, though I am still really freaked out by the idea. Which also makes me feel bad, because I know, there are so many people out there that would love to get this news and most likely never will. I am going to sit with this new development and be as happy as I can about this amazing new experience that we are going to have.

13 comments:

Yolanda (the callipygian chronicle) said...

Wow. What huge news. It just keeps getting better and better.

Cyn said...

That is a HUGE bit of information-it's no wonder you don't quite know what to do with it.
It makes perfect sense to me that you'd be feeling the way you do, even though you had fully prepared yourself to not need the biological link, of course you should be thrilled at an idea that you never thought would be possible!

Just breathe and take it one poke at a time. My IM never really even believed she'd be a mother until the day the babies were born. The entire pregnancy she had been prepared for the worst. It's OK and normal to not fully believe until YOUR baby is in your arms.

I'm so dang excited for you though! We will all have plenty of faith and trust for YOU!

emilythehopeless said...

WOW!!! that is truly amazing!!

ps: seriously, when are we hanging out?

Anonymous said...

emily, we are hangin out the minute you get down here! i'll even help you unpack.

Beautiful Mess said...

WOW and WEEEE!! That's incredible! Let it sit with you and sink in.

bumpfairy said...

Squeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thrilled for you, Mama!

Duck said...

Great HUGE news and I get why you can have mixed feelings, because sometimes you learn to accept something (like DE) and then when someone gives you another option you discover all these other feelings that you never knew that you had (i had no idea how much I wanted a genetic child until I had some very long conversations wtih myself, I too don't want to have to adopt my child, which i would have to do if it was a DE/GC... take care

Allison said...

Wow Jaymee, how awesome!!! I'm so excited for you. Another big step in the journey. Hey, which clinic are you using in Texas? Anywhere near Houston? I'd love to meet you!!!

Intending To Be Parents said...

That is awesome news!!! I'm so excited for you!!

Wendy and Chris said...

What an amazing miracle! That's wonderful news Jaymee!!!! Cherish it!

corine said...

My pregancy would never have been possible witout a procedure that is now routine (ICSY) but was experimental at the time. Yeah Science!!!

I don't think your child will struggle with anything if he or she is told things very matter of factly from the begining. All kids need to be sure of is that they are desired, wanted and that they are miracles.

Amani said...

Oh wow ... you're news just keeps getting better!

Coffeegrl said...

I'm new here and so excited to find you in the midst of such good news!