Monday, June 22, 2009

sliding away

There is a lot that is going on in my life right now. Since, no one wants to read a novel I am going to take this one thing at a time.
I am depressed, seriously having problems sleeping even though I am exhausted, I care about very little, and for right now this is a comfortable place for me to be. A medication that I am taking is causing this current bout of depression and I knew that this would happen when I started the medication. Why would I volunteer to take a medication that I knew was going to do this to me? I am quitting smoking, which I have been quitting and starting for a little over a year now.
Sadly, without the Chantix I am incapable of putting down my companions. I hate admitting that I am so attached to these things that I know are killing me, but I am. When I am smoking I have to know where they are all the time, they come with me everywhere, and they make me feel better. Most people think that it is disgusting, and it is, but at the same time, these companions of mine have seen me through a lot over the sixteen years that we have been together. Our relationship has just runs its course and it is time for me to finally get rid of them.
The depression is also coming from another place. I am under a lot of stress and pressure, and the way to cope with that for me is to just lay down until it passes. Well, there is no way that I can do this now. I have to actively get myself out of this, but it is a struggle. Graduate school is just overwhelming, it is not difficult the actual work is simple, it is just the pace and the massive change to my routine. I commute an hour each way three days a week and I cry most of the way home, I know that it is simply cathartic, but I am getting sick of this.
The other component, the nastiest, most appalling component, yes worse than the smoking. I am scared of being a mother, in fact I am terrified of that overwhelming responsibility. To think that someone would work so hard to attain something and then be terrified of actually getting there, I feel horrible for even thinking that this is true. It is true though. I know that people say I will be a great mother, and I am sure that they think they are helping, but it does not help. Those reassurances only make me feel that the bar has been raised that much higher. To me this is the dirty little secret of my infertility; I feel that I have to be a better mother than any other mother on the face of the earth, and I know me well enough to know that there is no way that that is ever going to happen. I do not think that I am going to be a horrible mother, but I know that there is no way that I am going to win any mother of the year awards. This idea has been floating around in my head very long time, but the closer we get to the reality of parenthood with a child the more that this weight is laying on my chest.
I spent much of my pre-teen and all of my teen years in a deep clinical depression. I remember someone asking me why I was so miserable, and of course I had no idea why, what I did know was that it was comfortable there. I knew miserable and it was easy for me. Years were wasted in that state, years that I will never get back and years that I would never trade. I learned to many valuable lessons, most importantly I learned that true happiness is the best thing in the world.
I will come out of this place. A couple more months on this medication and it will be over, and I will come out the other side happier and healthier. I just wish there was an easier road.


bumpfairy said...

Jaymee. You are going to be a magical mother. I know this with every fiber of my being.

It is OK to be scared about this. Healthy, even.

But know, that I KNOW you will be good at this. And your child will know it too.


Cyn said...

Thank you once again for being SO open and honest about what's going on for you. It can't be easy to just 'put it all out there', but it is what makes you so REAL!!

I won't tell you that you'll be a great mother, although I have no doubts, but I will remind you that you will be the moon and the stars to your child, regardless of how good or bad of a parent you are. Kids who are abused and neglected STILL love and adore their parents and since I don't think you'll actually be THAT kind of parent, you are already steps ahead.

Kids love those that care for them-regardless of if they are any good at it.

And whatever it is that you think you'll be bad at doing, just remember that perhaps YOU'RE child wouldn't want/need that kind of parent anyhow.

Quitting smoking has got to be one of the hardest things in the world to do. I don't envy you that chore. I would've LOVED to have a tried a clove at one point, but I was fairly certain I would like it too much and what good would come from that.

Always thinking about you and wishing you MUCH success at everything you do!

Meg. said...

*hugs* to you, Jaymee ~

I'm happy that you're making such an effort to quit smoking...but I'm so sad that you're drowning in depression while fighting the fight. =( I know that nicotine addiction is a terribly strong one, so I'd never judge you for struggling to drop the habit.

The fact that you want to better your health is just one more reason why I'm confident that you'll excel in motherhood (sorry, I know you don't like to hear this). The more your health improves, the more energy you'll have for mothering, and the longer you'll be in your child's life to radiate love.

I know everything seems so hopeless and difficult right now, and I get that. There have been many times in my life where I've had a good long cry in the car on my way home. Just let it all out. Keep writing. Keep feeling. Brighter days are ahead.

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like this right now. I know how you feel when you say "miserable is easy. I know miserable". I was there too. And it's just so easy to stay in that place. You'll get out of there, soon. Take your time and do what you feel is right for you. We're all here, helping you along the way, hon.

Kristin said...

Quitting smoking is a total bitch. I've seen my hubby go through it and it was hard. And, I was terrified of becoming a mom too. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers

Lisa RM said...

Jaymee, take it or leave it- you will be the perfect mother that your child needs. I'm not trying to set the bar high or low or in between- just stating a fact. You will love your child (scratch that- you already do) and in the end, that is what makes a good mama.

FET Accompli said...

Your writing is so raw and beautiful. I was sad and struck when you said "I knew miserable and it was easy for me." I am so sorry that you spent so much time in that state, and sorry about the rough patch you currently find yourself in. Quitting smoking is the pits, but you will succeed!! And you will be such an excellent mother. You are thoughtful and caring and nurturing and will be wonderful!

Allison said...

Jaymee - I'm thinking about you. You're so honest. I'm actually scared about being a Mom too. I know you said it doesn't help that others say they think you will be a good Mom, but I seriously think you will. You're such a good person. You and your hubby are going to be great parents, you know why......cause you have so much love to give your baby/babies. Can't wait till you guys are on meds and getting the show on the road.

smated said...

I think you and I have a lot in common! We're going on our fourth try with fertility treatments... I have similar feelings about it.

Egg Factory said...

Thanks for sharing such a personal account. The network of women opening up via the blogosphere have no idea how helpful it is to see that others have felt like you feel and have walked in your shoes. Thinking of you today.


Amani said...


Depression will tell you all sorts of things that simply are not true. Depression is like looking in one of those "fat or tall or short" mirrors at the cricus. It clouds perception and you simply cannot believe anything it will tell you. You are under a great deal of stress right now, both physically and emotionally. Please listen to your many readers who admire your courage and honesty.

None of us have any doubt you will not only make a wonderful mother, but you may well win a mother of the year award. Trust Sabrina, she has met you, knows you, is an experienced surrogate, and she would never be your surrogate if she had any doubts about your ability to mother your beloved baby or babies.

Please be gentle with yourself. You have had a long and rough journey, and it is now "your turn!"


emilythehopeless said...

i was actually thinking this same thought today.. we have spent all this time and energy on trying to be parents.. what happens when we are!? i have no idea what to do! it is just terrifying. something we've wanted so much it hurts to such amazing depths also scares us to death.
i too have depression.. and i smoked for a long time. i'm so sorry you have to deal with all this at once. i hope those pills do their job and make this easier on you.
sending a million hugs!

MyLifeMyWorld-SharingADream said...

Thank you for your heartfelt post, I just wanted to comment on you being a mother....

I hear so often from moms to be, including myself when I was expecting my first, that "I don't want to be a bad mother".

What is a bad mother? What is a good mother?

I remember worrying about the same thing, until I became a mother myself. Then everything changed. I didn't strive to be a "good" mother, but rather the "best mother I can be". Within my own abilities, education, strenghts and weaknessess.

I vowed to myself that I would continue to educate myself on parenting and those skills in particular, and 14 years later still do! I vowed to stay open minded to others "ways" of parenting, and try methods I think might work, and if they didn't, to dump them faster than a dirty diaper.

I vowed to strive to be a caring and compassionate mother, one that loves her child unconditionally, but also one that recognizes that I am only human too and will and do make mistakes.

I think it would be helpful if you just sat down and thought of what defines "good mother vs. bad mother" and then put verbs into it, describe what being a good mother looks like, being a bad mother looks like, be specific
(ie: A good mother stops to take 10 deep breaths when their child is making a fuss so that she won't yell. A good mother takes a break when she needs it without feeling guilty because she knows that if mom is run down she is no good to her kids.... that sort of thing).

By doing that you'll take out the worries of being a good mother, and have an action plan to be the "best mother you can be". That's all you can expect of yourself.......that's all anyone can expect of themselves.

Take care of yourself, I know you probably won't be a "good mother" but rather the "best mother you can be". I know your strive to be the best you can in each given situation.

Take care

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I think the most important thing is contained inside this post--that you know that this is just the road. That it isn't a stagnant place you will be in forever, but it is what you are feeling now as you move through this. And that fact--the fact that you can see it clearly--to me shows incredible reserves of strength. And that will be your greatest asset as a mother because you can be honest with yourself. And that, sweetie, I promise, is going to be a tool that no one can take from your toolbox. And keep this somewhere whenever you forget that it's in there to remind yourself of what you have to move you forward.

Thinking about you.

MLO said...

Only the insane or stupid have no fears going into parenthood. Your feelings are normal. Don't let it make you feel guilty. The reality is that anyone who says they had no fears is either lying or incredibly out of touch with what it means to parent.

Kudos for trying to stop smoking. That you keep trying to quit says you are committed to creating an environment for you and your future.

May your dreams come true.

Just an aside - but "carbs" for a health related post's word verification?

Melissa G said...

I recently hit an ugly depth myself. Although I haven't dealt with long term or clinical depression, I know exactly what you mean about being alone, and terrified, and miserable but comfortable. I wish I could help. But I understand why you are doing this. I hope it goes by quickly.

As for Mother of the Year - I don't think there is such a thing. Please don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you are so concerned shows that you are aware and prepared for a tough road. But that doesn't mean you can't overcome it.

Take as much time as you need. But take care of yourself.


corine said...

I think the depression is creating the doubts, not the other way around.
I think anyone who worries about being the best possible mother will be just that. People who ask themselves questions make good parents.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

What a heartfelt and honest post.

Wishing you luck as you conquer your depression demons, persistence as you quit smoking, and love as you continue your journey to motherhood.


Ellen K. said...

Here from the round-up. I've never smoked but at one point after our IUIs failed, I found myself, for the first time in my life, wanting a cigarette. I felt depressed and very anxious and also a little self-destructive, so I think it must be very challenging to quit smoking while dealing with depression.

I'm parenting after infertility now. Occasionally I think that I'm not a good mother. And sometimes I even regret doing so much to get pregnant, because parenting and especially motherhood is so draining. It's worth the effort, but not every second of the day. But I don't feel that I'm allowed to go around saying that, due to IF.

Hang in there, and treat yourself well.

areyoukiddingme said...

Good luck in your quest to stop smoking. It's a difficult road, and it seems like you're getting the help you need. I wish you great success.

As to your abilities as a mother...well, I don't know you, so it's hard to say. But you're obviously someone who works hard to overcome obstacles, and that's a strong basis for being a good mom.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Afraid of being a mom... I think you just tapped into one of the tapes that plays in my mind. To want something so bad and yet be afraid of it at the same time... But I think that fear serves a purpose. It will make us try harder, be more aware, and I think do better than we would have been able to do if all of this had come easily.

Thanks for your bravery and honesty!

Michelle said...

I can relate to the wanting something so bad, but terrified of it too. I think all of us who have waited so long have this anticipation of what we will be and we all want to be the BEST! God bless you and I hope you are feeling better soon!
~Michelle (ICLW)

The Barreness said...

I feel the same way about the fear of being/becoming a mother. In fact, I am so scared, we have even stopped trying. I am convinced that after all this time of trying to become a mother that I have lost site of reality and that what is left is the sweet seduction of what motherhood is. I have become aware of the smoke screen.
What I do know, is that you are not alone in that fear and that walking thru this, is exactly what you need to be doing.
Being told to keep your head up and think positive, is sometimes insulting to the real fear and concern you have about yourself.
The best part is that you are being honest with yourself, and that is what stays.
I will keep you in my thoughts, for a safe journey thru this rough path...but know you are not alone.

InfertileMadWoman said...

Oh sweetie, I am here from Kristin's blog, and I think that we are long lost sisters!!! You are going to do fine with both the quiting, and being a mommy!! I was scared to death when my Turtle was on her way, but it has all worked out fine.... in fact it has been amazing!!

We all doubt that we can do things until we just do them. I am sure that you will be just great after you get off the meds.

You have come so far, and this is just a blip on the screen again!! ang in there sweetie!!


Soralis said...

Just checking in..

I was terrified before I became a mother and now I am terrified about being a good mother! :) Sounds like you are well on your way! Good Luck and I hope you feel better soon!