Thursday, August 13, 2009

Who Pressed the Delete Key?

Apparently, my body was not weird enough. We finally got the results back from the genetic testing. Instead of just having a simple gene mutation that causes most von Willebrand's disease, mine is caused by multiple gene deletions. There is no lab in the United States that is able to produce a PGD probe for genetic deletions. A lab in England will have to do this.

So what does this all mean? The first thing that it means is that we will not be transferring in September. I have no idea when we will be transferring. The second thing that it means is that I have had a hard fall today. As much as I tried not to get my hopes up, as much as I tried to stay detached from this transfer, this news has hit me like a ton of bricks falling on my head.

All of my energy has been focused on this transfer. I guess it was just inevitable that anything going wrong was going to feel this way. At the moment when I was finally able to let myself feel like this was going to happen, that this transfer was a real thing, this news hits. Part of me is angry at myself, because if this could happen to anyone it is me. Medically nothing has ever been easy for me, I should have know that something major was going to go wrong. Of course, I also know that if this had not happened I would have never given it a second thought. Right now I just feel beaten, what seemed so close this morning seems so incredibly far away now.
I am trying to find the good in this situation. There is the upside that now I have more time to work on my physical self. There will be more time to get myself centered before I become a mother. Something that I feel incapable of doing at the moment, but I am willing to try and that has got to count for something.

I should hear back from the genetics people tomorrow or Monday. I will know more then.

16 comments:

Meg. said...

Jaymee *hugs* ~

I read the news earlier today on Sabrina's blog, and my heart was crushed (it still is)!

Why do our bodies have to pose such obstacles?

I am trying to focus on the positive for you, which is: There IS a lab that can carry on with the PGD.

I know this situation is far from ideal, but I still have such hope for you.

In the meantime, if you still feel like smashing some plates (even without the help of Lupron), I'll smash them with you.

Kristin said...

Huge {{{{hugs}}} Jaymee. I've never experienced quite what you have but I do know what it feels like to be on the losing end of the medical odds over and over again. I'm so sorry things have been delayed again and I'm praying hard things get back on track soon.

Lisa RM said...

I'm sorry. I hurt for you. The upside, it just proves yet again how much a one-of-a-kind-person you are, and how strong, and how persistent. These are all traits that I admire in you, and not easily come by. It'll happen. You'll be mama. If there were any way I could make this happen, I'd do it in a heart beat. Deletions are common enough, this one just happens to be in an inopportune place. {huge hugs}

Infertile In the City said...

Hell, this sucks, and I am so sorry to hear about it. I kept running into IVF roadblocks and even though they were setbacks of time they were devastating to me, it is so very hard.
Hugs.

emilythehopeless said...

sending more hugs. i will never understand why this has to be so hard. <3

ASquared said...

I'm so sorry :( No one likes to have a plan in place and then have something come up and delay everything, especially with all you've been through already :( I hope that the geneticists are able to figure out something quickly and that you guys can get back on track soon.

Gabby said...

oh jaymee.. i am so so sorry for this setback. what a total bummer! i'm eager to see what happens with the genticist. i'm sure you have already tried all the PGD labs in the US? Have you by any chance called them all personally? Im just wondering, because maybe the person you talked to doesn't knwo the latet capabilities of all the labs. just a questions - you've probably already gone down that route.

hugs and prayers..

Rachael said...

I am so sorry Jaymee : ( I know you will overcome this obstacle as well, but I cannot imagine how deterring this is at the moment, you are in my thoughts

Rhi said...

aww i'm so sorry :( i hope things work out (sooner rather than later)... praying for good news from the genetics people, and sending *lots of hugs*

Mugsy said...

Jaymee...I'm so sorry. I agree with everyone above - this all shouldn't be so hard. Sending you all the positive vibes I can.

FET Accompli said...

Jaymee,

I am sorry - this sucks and it just shouldn't have to be so hard. These setbacks and roadblocks are so very frustrating and I am just so sorry you are going through another one. Keep the goal in sight - you will be a mom, it is just a matter of time.

Amani said...

Egad, that is not good news. But there is still a chance you will be okay for cycling yourself at a later date isn't there? Worse case scenario you can use donor eggs ... I know ... not ideal .... but you still have the option there. Yet another IED on the road through surrogacy. Hugs to you xxx

Soralis said...

Thinking of you... so very sorry that it is all so complicated. Praying for the day when this is all just a memory for you

Hugs

Cyn said...

Oh Jaymee! Hold on tight and don't let go. It will happen!

Allison said...

I don't know what to say other than sorry. It sucks, but I'm hoping for good, quick results soon.

Niki said...

I'm so sorry Jaymee! This is a huge blow to you and I can only imagine your pain and sadness. I can't stand when something messes up my plans, especially when we've been waiting for so long. The down time is a killer! I'd like to believe that it is only a small roadblock that you will get by soon enough. I'm thinking of you and hoping to hear some good news from the genetic couneslors.