Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Today

This is a day that I have been waiting for, 12 long years of waiting, tears, sadness, anger, pain, fear, all culminating in this one day. Not that I really believe that this is it and after today everything will magically go back to normal, because after IF nothing is ever normal again.


On the day that I went in to give up my uterus, somewhere in the back of my head I just knew that all my hopes of ever being a mother was dying in the operating room. At that point I as at peace with that, my health was so horrible that I had to make that decision. Today, really the first time that I have felt any glimmer of hope that I may be a mother. Not a lot of hope, I have not lost my mind to that extent, but the tiniest little sliver.

I spoke to the embryologist yesterday, he thinks I am crazy, but that craziness has a purpose. We have 12 healthy embryos. PGD was done on 16 and 12 are as healthy as they can be. Our preference is for the healthiest first and then a girl over a boy. Now here is where he thinks I am insane, I do not want to know the sex of the embryo we are transferring. Knowing would make a loss a million times harder for me, because it will go from a collection of cells to a baby once i know the sex. To me, being able to detach from the embryos in this way has been the best part of using donated eggs, I have zero connection to them at this point. Living in my head is what I do best in stressful situations and I have been able to do this.

At 3, Central Standard Time, Sabrina and I are going to the clinic. Dressed in our crazy shoes, her insane socks and my insane fingerless gloves!! I just cannot take this too seriously! I promise to get plenty of pictures up ASAP.

I just want to thank all of you for getting me this far, your love and support have been my solace.

23 comments:

emilythehopeless said...

i don't even have words for this.. i am just so freaking excited and happy for you!! sending all the love and sticky vibes possible!! HUGS to you all!! :D

Circus Princess said...

I'm so very, very happy for you! I can't tell you enough how much I want your dream to finally come true and it's very emotional to read your post.

Looking forward to some great pics and a great big neon blinking plus!!

jill said...

So exciting! I hope everything goes wonderfully! Wishing you tons of luck!!

Sonja said...

Wishing you the best!!!

jenicini said...

I hope everything goes great today! I can't wait to see the pictures of your fun! :)

jenicini said...

I hope everything goes great today! I can't wait to see the pictures of your fun! :)

Niki said...

I think being ever so slightlyl crazy is what gets us infertiles through all this crap! I guess I'm just trying to say you are not alone and that I completely understand your need to stay slightly detached. I'm thinking of you and sending tons and tons of good thoughts your way! I can't wait to see the pictures!

Meg. said...

Oh Jaymee! This is such exciting news to come home to!

I will be sending you giant virtual hugs at 3pm, Central Time. =)

I'm just overjoyed that your donor responded so well, and that you have the wonderful Miss Sabrina by your side.

Now let's make you a mommy! :::love!:::

Kate said...

Twelve normals is incredible! Are you doing single embryo transfer?
Hope the transfer goes great, and that you get the best possible news in 2 weeks time...

Kristin said...

Oh Jaymee...I am so excited for you!!!! I can't wait!

T said...

Good Luck and positive vibes to you!

ASquared said...

That is an amazing number of embryos - sending your chosen embie lots sticky vibes!!!

Yolanda said...

Very awesome news, Jaymee. So happy this day has come for you.

strongwoman said...

I have fingers and toes crossed for you!

JordanC1 said...

I am so excited for you as well! I'm kind of a lurker but I really hope this works for you. You deserve it and I think you and your husband will be wonderful parents!

Beautiful Mess said...

I've got the chills, I'm so excited and happy for you! Sending you so much love!
*HUGS*

Kelli said...

YAY! I'm so excited for you and just can't wait to hear your good news! :) Fingers crossed!!

Allison said...

I'm so happy and excited for you. I can't wait to see pics. How many did you guys transfer? And when will Sabrina start testing. To be honest, that testing drove me bazonkers!!! Especially because we got so many negatives at the beginning. If I go through this again, I'm going to try my best to not have my surrogate test or either have her not tell me. The waiting sucks big time.

I hope you're doing well. I've been thinking about you a lot lately.

Big hugs girl!

Gabby said...

i am so freakin excited and cannot wait to find out the news - what an amazing post - i have followed you since you first met sabrina as your surrogate.. or maybe i just read all the back story - i don't know - it feels like a long long time that i've been hoping and wishing for this day for you.. i am so excited!

Saige said...

I can't beleive I was so behind I missed this post. I'm so glad I checked in. Oh my goodness! I hope everything went well. I am totally on edge for you. I am praying that this is it. That the pregnancy is good, and that your dreams of motherhood will be realized in 9 months.

I totally agree with knowing the sex thing. It doesn't sound odd or like a stretch to me. It personalizes the emby beyong a cluster of cells.

Best wishes and big hugs.

J and D said...

It is so great to see you are on your way!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Jaymee! I'm soooo excited for you... when is your BETA? We are so excited to hear an update. ***Fingers Crossed!!***

Allison said...

Jaymee, Jaymee, Jaymee..........

What's going on? I'm on the edge of my seat girl.