Sunday, February 14, 2010

a horrible husband

No, I am not talking about my wonderful hubby because he is truly the best ever. Anyone who can put up with me for all these years could never be horrible. I am speaking of myself.

At this point, and for the next 8 months, I am really in the husband role of pregnancy. Well, really not even that, I am the husband that is home for a single weekend over the next 8 months. I did my small little job and then flew the coop, or at least that is the way it feels.

Sabrina is awesome about letting me know every little thing that goes on with her and I love hearing her complain about every minor thing. I of course also feel bad that it is all my fault, but really not that bad. Though I am sure that once the symptoms really hit I will feel worse. Other than those phone calls I am feeling like I am just floating out here in space, which is just part of the ride and not something that can or needs to be fixed.

To cope with this neurosis, and it has turned into neurosis, I am starting to do that nesting thing. Well really it is more like complete panic over where am I going to put Cletus and all those baby things!! Our extra room has turned into storage over the past few years and the amount of stuff in there is a bit frightening. It is not Hoarders bad, but it is getting there and I am horrible at throwing things away. I have thought about hiring someone to come in to assist me, but I am embarrassed to let anyone see the level of crazy in that room. In my first attempt to do something I found a box which contained, among other things, the candles from my 16th birthday cake. I know CRAZY!!!

There are things that I can pitch in the trash without a second thought and then there are things (stupid things) that I have a very hard time letting go of for some unknown reason. For right now I am just going to purge the things that are easy. It might not be much but at least it is a start. In some ways this feels great, being able to rid myself of baggage that only serves to weigh me down is always a good thing and I am hoping that I will get addicted to that feeling.

Just as I needed to rid myself of the infertility baggage to get to this point, I need to rid myself of the physical baggage to make room for this new chapter in our life. I will get there, I always do, it is just a little overwhelming here at the bottom of the hole!

The other thing that is getting really strange is people telling my congratulations. I know that they are happy for us and I am so thankful that Cletus already is so loved, but it just does not feel right. Yes, I have willed this pregnancy into being but that is all I have done. In the grand scheme of things that is really nothing. Right now it just does not seem to fit, like last year's winter coat it is tight and makes my skin crawl a bit. I accept these showings of love the best that I can, but they just do not seem to fit me right now. This is a process and one that I am still learning to navigate, so be patient with me I will get there.


Lisa RM said...

I'm going to volunteer my services in cleaning stuff out if you want it. I can pitch shit and clear out space like nobody's business. Just saying.

jenicini said...

Now the fun is starting! I too am really good at pitching stuff. I find when I'm really attached it's good to do the 20% method. Go through and pitch out the easy stuff. Wait a little bit and go through it again and get rid of 20% more. I also have tried the one box method. I have one box and that is all I get to keep, so things go in that box and then I gets the job done!

Kimberly Gilbert said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Expectant Duck said...

being an IM is weird in the "we are the husband" role isn't it- I can totally relate.
I am really into throwing things out, so just reading about your room sounds stressful, but, don't worry just set your clock and clean it up for 10 minutes a day and eventually it will be all cleaned out!
happy heart day.

Kate said...

Hopefully you can have a couple purges during the pregnancy to make enough room. Start with the easy stuff, then next time try to get rid of a little more. I'm struggling to do the same right now too, having just moved into a new house. We're finding the odd thing to toss now that we're unpacking.
I can understand feeling like a DH in your situation. But really, the congratulations are well deserved. You're the one who's gone through the tough decisions and physical stuff to even get to this point. Which is more than many people do to have their children. Hopefully it'll be an easy pregnancy for everyone involved, and the nesting will help you feel like you're doing something useful.

bumpfairy said...

Just a reminder: I am never, ever, at any point really complaining. I may be a whiner, but a whine isn't a complaint. I love every second of this. I'll even love it when I'm hovering over the porcelain throne, I promise. Oh don't you worry, I'll absolutely COMPLAIN about that, but the complaint doesn't mean I don't love what i'm doing. You are NOT allowed to feel bad about being excited about these changes. I WANT you to be happy I'm throwing up. It means little Cletus is growing happily. ( It also means *you* don't have to do it, and while that is the booby prize in the grand scheme of things, it is a plus side so take it, lol!) I love sharing each and every little moment with you. And I want you to love me sharing it too, okay? ( although if I begin to annoy, please let me know! I have a husband I can annoy on this side when you're done hearing the whine, lol!) Love you, mama. And Cletus says hi.

corine@ hidden in france said...

Don't be like my terrible husband who pursued me around the house to make me drink raw beet juice for breakfast. I realize it was the only way he could have some control over the situation but come. on. Beetjuice? Raw?

FET Accompli said...

It is indeed weird being an IM - totally a husband-like feeling. You are doing wonderfully, you are so caring towards Sabrina and you are a truly wonderful IM :-)

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about "willing a pregnancy into being" and feeling that it's not enough of a contribution to the process. I feel that way all the time but really, without us, there would be NO BABY. I tell my husband that we have an egg donor, a surrogate, he's the sperm donor, and I'm the administrator. I made it all happen. I told everyone when to get into their places and what to do! That's gotta count for something.


Suzy said...

Honey you are like the Director of a million dollar movie. You may not be acting it out (being pregnant) or have your face on the magazine covers as the star (being noticably pregnant) but you made it happen. No film would get made without the Director and no Cletus would be here without you. Period.

Plus, I so know how you feel about the clutter. We are trying to declutter at the moment and I am finding all kinds of crazy things I have held onto for god only knows what reason! I assure you, the process of getting rid of stuff is a wonderful feeling!!

MyLifeMyWorld & Growing Families said...

Well I have to say CONGRATULATIONS! I'm not sure why you find it hard to hear, I think it may be your perception.

Think about it, if you worked on a job, dedicated your time and energy to that job, spent long hours, skipped lunches, perservered even when everything seemed to have fallen apart, and then you get a promotion, wouldn't you want someone to say Congrats?

Well, this pregnancy, becomming a mama is a job well done! You have worked hard, fought the fight, perserved, cried and hoped, been let down and then got back up and continued fighting. YOU never gave up despite the fact there were times you might have wanted to...this is not about your eggs...this is about your fight to make your dreams come true.

So Congratulations is in order, you've fought for a dream and have had your first taste of sucess! There are still a few months to go, but you deserve those cheers!!!