Sunday, September 26, 2010

Emotional Speed Bumps and Surrogacy

I need to blow off the cob webs around here. I cannot believe I have taken so long to post. So sorry to all of you who are still reading here, I have a million reasons but I think I will just start writing again.

Some of the reason that I have not been here for a while, other than just being plain busy, was that a few weeks ago I had a very emotional day that has taken me a while to process enough to be able to write about. Infertility quickly teaches you the lesson of longing and feelings so intense you feel physical pain. Once I finally got to the point that Cletus was really coming and that I was really going to be a mother I forgot about those feelings. Years of my life have been wasted on living in the emotional sludge that infertility brought into my life and all I wanted to do was but that all behind me. Then the bomb dropped and I found myself slammed with this feeling of longing like I had never felt before.

This being that has ruled my life for all these years is finally an almost reality. My comfort for those many years was the belief that once I became a mother that somehow I would no longer be the infertile woman who could slip into an emotional state at the drop of a hat. Not that I thought I would escape these feelings in motherhood, just that those sharp pains of longing would leave. Yet, there I was ramped up so much that I was crying uncontrollably and having some thoughts that really scared me.

From the moment that I got to know some really fantastic surrogates, I never once understood how someone could just take their child and never see the person who helped give that child life was infuriating to me. There I was sitting in the middle of my son's room and the only thing in the world that would make me feel whole at that moment was to have him. I wanted him all to myself, I was just done sharing anything anymore, or what the husband calls hitting the "Kindergarten Wall." My soul and body were hurting like they never had before, I just felt so empty and defeated.

A couple of days later the reality of what had really happened terrified me. What I believed I would never feel, what I had not felt at all until that moment, had slapped me straight in the face. I just wanted to have this all be over and I wanted to finally hold my child I have fought so hard to make a reality. My child that has no connection to me other than the fact that I have willed him into being, and for the first time I felt that my intention to be his mother was no longer enough. I was just this thing floating out in space and feeling so disconnected from everything that was causing me so much pain. It is not something that I can easily describe, but I can say that it was possibly one of the worst experiences of my life.

Like all of these intense bouts of longing and feeling of defeat these went away. As horrible as all that was, what has happened since had been fantastic. Difficult to work through yes, but here on the other end I am really much better for having been there. On this side of those horrible feelings is this place of just knowing that it is all going to be just fine. I should have known this, because it always has been, every horrible moment over all these years of me being so close to becoming a mother. Infertility has stolen many chances from me, but I will not let it steal one moment of joy and happiness out of these next few weeks.

Surrogacy is the closest thing to true altruism that I will ever know. A woman who was a perfect stranger volunteered to put not only her life but her family's life on hold so that our family can grow. All the nasty pain and heartache are just being cleaned away by our own BumpFairy, and there is nothing in this world that can ever express the love I feel!

19 comments:

Circus Princess said...

I've missed you! You are such à beautiful, honest woman. Thank you for sharing your difficult place and the emotions that gave you the peace and love you feel now. I can't say I think it's strange at all that you feel a need to have Cletus to yourself - you've had to share so many intimate moments that should've been yours! Sending you oodles of Love!

athena said...

hugs hugs hugs!! i'm so sorry you had to feel that pain, but so happy you.. because you are incredibly strong and beautiful, worked through it.. oh i just love you so much and i'm counting down the days with you! and bumpfairy.. i love her so much too!

Saige said...

I think you needed that moment to truly embrace what is coming your way. It seems like it was almost a cleansing in preparation for your baby, even though he isn't biologically yours, he is yours. It sounds to me that even though those moments were brutal, you came out all the better for it on the other side.

Infertility does rob us of so much, but it doesn't have to leave a gaping hole unless we let it. I know that my hole was filled with so much gratitude for the day I finally became a mother, and I do not take one second of my daughter's life for granted because of it.

You are going to be the most wonderful mother to your son. There is no question in my mind.

duck said...

Jayme,
I understand the emotional roller coaster, but, I really don't see anything wrong with wanting some separation from the surrogate once the child/children is born, I for one, feel that is healthy. Surrogacy is HARD HARD work, and after sharing pregnancy, I don't really want to feel like I am sharing parenting too, and once the baby is born you may feel a HUGE HUGE surge of this feeling.

But, it has always been my perspective that the kind of relationship I want with my GS/former GS is one that is more of a christmas card scenario, and I was up front with it from the very first email, the reason I didn't pursue adoption is that once I had my child, I wanted to move on with my life, life can be hard enough, why make it more difficult by constantly dragging up those emotions?

It's fantastic that surrogates carry our children, but, most of them are paid well for carrying our children (more money then I've ever earned in a year) and I really think it's fine if you're up front about wanting a professional relationship from the beginning (like I was, I wouldn't work with a surrogate that wanted an on going friend type of relationship, I have enough friends).

ITs totally normal to just want this all to be over with and get on to having your family, why can't we for once in our life be greedy?

hugs

Crossed Fingers said...

Welcome back! We missed you!I think those feelings are totally normal and nothing to beat yourself up over! I sometimes feel things/think things I surprise myself over - am I ready to give up the freedom we have, what are we getting into, what if what if what if...

We think these things but it doesn't mean we're less of a mother - it means we're taking it seriously and fully grasping the life change that is going to happen.

bumpfairy said...

*Whoa* to duck... But that's a whole 'nother post over on my end, I think

And SOON, Mama! He'll be in your arms SO SOON!!!!

Kristin said...

Welcome back hon. I think everything you are feeling is perfectly normal and it's a process you have to go through to sort out the feelings. I'm sorry the pain and longing and everything else slammed into you butI'm so glad you were able to work through it all.

Meg said...

Duck- I don't know how you could ever feel that the person who gave your child life was nothing more than an employee of yours. I am truly sad for you.

And Jayme- I am so excited for the upcoming birth of Cletus! Thank God that you have such an amazing and selfless surrogate carry your precious baby :)

Dora said...

Struggling so hard to become a parent changes you. It just does. I think you've done an incredible job of processing all this. I also think you've done a great service to other women by writing about this emotional process. Jaymee, other women are going to read this and feel less alone. That is such a gift.

vmdesign said...

It's almost time!! I'm so glad I came across your blog when I did--I can't wait to see baby pictures!! :)

rarejule said...

Your time to be a Momma is almost here. Relish in it! Soak up every smell and sight of that newborn that has been "in your heart" for all these years... you deserve every minute of it. All of you.

love is overflowing... abundant and breathtaking!

blessings to you,
from a blessed surrogate who is overjoyed to be a part of making someone else's dreams a reality!

Kelly & Her Uterus said...

He is almost here and I'm so excited for you.

Duck, I'm glad you were honest with your surrogate from the get go because I would've never picked to work with someone who didn't fully appreciate the service I provided. Not sure what you do for a living, work part time at McDonalds? but I make less carrying twins as a surrogate the first time then I did teaching part time at my College.

I am a surrogate, not for the money (which to me isn't that much) but for the relationship I develop with my IPs . . . seeing the children afterwards is awesome, but it's the parents I miss.

notminethistime said...

Thank you for sharing you feelings so honestly and openly! As a surrogate, I try my best to make my IPs feel as connected to the pregnancy as possible and from following the BumpFairy, it seems she does too. Once the baby is born my role will be over but all of our lives will have been impacted by bringing a child into the world. I hope to remain close to my IPs but in no way wish to be anything other than a friend. Once the cord is cut, her parents are in charge!

You are Cletus' mother!!! He will be yours to love and cherish. While how he got here is significant in his life story, you will always be his Mama :)

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MyLifeMyWorld said...

WOW, I am in full support of most of the comments in this blog but I have to say that ducks comment is pretty insensitive to us surrogates. We are not paid employees, and like another commenter said, not sure what job you work at, but I make more driving a school bus part time than I did in surrogacy. It is NOT about money, but about relationships, dreams and helping others in ways most women don't.

That being said, Jaymee, your post was awesome, raw and vulnerable. Thank you for sharing your moments...it really is a great lesson for all of us.

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