Friday, October 8, 2010

Floating For Now

I have been in Oregon for almost a week now and am finally settled enough that I can post.  Settling has been a bit overwhelming, I had to get everything at home ready to bring the baby home and then had to do a lot of it all over again here.  Now I am just trying to enjoy these last few days before the real adventure begins.

Just being here has really made me feel so much better.  I no longer have to worry about missing the birth and just being near Sabrina and Cletus really takes away so much stress.  The thing that I am dealing with now is letting down these walls so that I can feel like this is really happening.  I am so excited that Sabrina is having a baby in just a little bit, but I am still having a hard time letting myself feel that I am about to become a mother.  The title that had eluded me is so close and yet I am unable to let myself really believe.

Unlike the other times that I have felt disconnected I am not afraid.  I know that this will all go away the second I hear my son scream.  For right now I am just going to go floating along because I have the ability to float!  For years I was drowning in the longing and fear of never being a mother.  Now I just have to convince my psyche that this is real and that it is okay for me to let those defenses down, but I am also sure that this will work itself loose.

I had a very interesting experience the other night.  Sabrina and I went to her last birthing class, which was a small class taught by Sabrina's doula.  The setting was comfortable and I was not nervous because at least there was a big belly sitting next to me.  Trying to do "mommy" things in a surrogacy situation is not always easy.  People often have a hard time disguising their feelings when you bring up the topic of surrogacy.  The majority of them try to be supportive, but there is often an underlying judgement that comes out in some way.

At the birthing class I was the one feeling a little weird.  It is not always easy to know that your role is as an intended mother.  Yes, I am the one who will raise my son and I am the one that will have the honor of being his mother, but I am not the one that has to bring him into the world.  My job only begins when he gets here and until then I am really nothing.  I know that sounds bad, but it really is not I am just still having a very hard time explaining what this feels like.  Of course, I will do whatever I can to make this easier for Sabrina, but she already has a HUGE support system that is much more capable of supporting her.

For right now I am just going to float and hope that the path is clear of power lines!  We have a midwife appointment tomorrow and I will update then.

10 comments:

jenicini said...

Jaymee - I can't believe you are finally so close! I've heard that every mom connects with her kiddo at different times from during the pregnancy until after the birth. Like you, I didn't really feel like it was real until I saw my husband's face while he was looking at him. I hope everything goes smoothly for you and Sabrina! Cletus will be here very soon! Hugs.

athena said...

i am SO happy & excited that you are there!!! i wish you comfort and safety as you let down your walls..
omg every time you post i cry... i can't even get out what i want to say. so so so happy! :D LOVE YOU!

athena said...

i am SO happy & excited that you are there!!! i wish you comfort and safety as you let down your walls..
omg every time you post i cry... i can't even get out what i want to say. so so so happy! :D LOVE YOU!

Circus Princess said...

I'm on pins and needles waiting for your son to be born. I know you will be an amazing mom, and your little one is the luckiest boy in the world to be surrounded by so much love from the very beginning. Wish I could hold your hand while you wait :)

Cyn said...

You are SO close!! I am beyond thrilled that you are finally at the finish line! Sabrina's belly looks great-love the pic she posted!
It's been wonderful to follow along and cheer you on! Enjoy this time floating, soon you will be free falling!

Louise said...

You are so close now - I understand how you feel, sort of. I have the similar doubts but for a different reason. Since my babies are in my tummy, it is even harder to explain how I once in a while feel completely disconnected from them! It stems from the fact that they are egg donation babies w/ no genetic heritage from me. What-if they don't want to know me once they get the truth explained to them as they are older…

Strange and unlikely fears - I think we both will connect with our babies once we hold them for the first time!
Btw sorry I left my old blog and that my new one is in Swedish only (barnencaesar.blogspot.com).

chris said...

Surrogate Mother Help Creating Families and Surrogacy in india is affordable. Surrogacy, Surrogacy law Clinic. Ivf Centers India
http://www.malhotrahospitals.com/ivf-treatments/surrogacy.php

Surrogacy said...

Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I'll be subscribing to your feed and Really i am impressed from this post....the person who create this post it was a great human..

selectsurrogacyblog said...

There are no two ways that India is the world leader in attracting patients from across the borders for medical treatment in India like Surrogacy, IVF Cost Delhi, Best IVF Clinic India, test tube baby in india, Fertility Treatment in India, Best IVF Doctor in India, brain surgery at best hospitals in India.

Ranbeer singh said...

Materni T21 PLUS is a highly accurate test for specific chromo-some (Genetic) conditions in the baby associated with birth de-fects. It is conducted on blood collected from the surrogate mother as early as 10 weeks of pregnancy.