Thursday, September 4, 2008

the surrogacy waiting game

nothing is happening, we are in a holding pattern. which means nothing is happening except that my mind is racing. these are the times when i start to question everything, i am trying to stop this. these are the times when that dark monster finds a way to invade, and this time i am going to win the fight.

one of the blessings and curses of infertility is that you get to decide when you want to start trying to have a family. the really bad side of this, is that there is never a "perfect" time to have a family. something is always standing in the way, there is always one more thing left to do, one more trip to take, one more dream to accomplish. the depth of this struggle makes us want to be the "perfect" parents, while we know that there is no such thing, and that we will fail miserably in this quest within the first hour of our child's life. we just are not perfect people types, we are the type of people who do everything in life the hard way. we question everything that comes easy and deem it not worthy of our attention, those are the things we toss aside. it is my biggest fault and the thing that i would change tomorrow if i could, unfortunately it is just not that easy.

our child will start their lives with a father who is tattooed up one side and down the other, a mother who only wears makeup when her mother makes her. yes i still worry about what my mother thinks, which leads to another point, my child is going to be raised by someone who has never felt like an adult. do you need to feel like a grown up to raise children? i know grown up things and can handle some big situations, but i have never felt like an adult. i told you that monster was trying to get in my head.

fact is that i know we are going to do the best we can and that will be enough. we are going to manage to raise a perfectly fine child. we just need to get one and start the raising process. we just need to give up the idea of the perfect time, because no such thing exists. times that are better than others sure, but not the perfect time. i feel like a kid the month before christmas, my letter to santa is all written and now i just have to wait and i hate waiting. i have been waiting for this all my life, i want to start doing. it is coming fast, and i know in a few months this will all seem silly, but tonight i hate the waiting.


MNjen said...

You dont know me but I wanted to offer a hug.

I dont really feel like an adult most days but my kids are doing fine. I think maybe they enjoy having a big kid for a mom.

I hope your journey progresses soon. The whole surrogacy process is a 'hurry up and wait' game and I know you are just ready to get on with it.

Good luck to you and I hope you get your baby(ies) soon.

eggorchicken said...

I hope the time comes quickly for you. There never is a perfect time to have kids, I guess it just needs to happen when it happens.
And as for not feeling like a grown up - well I'm the mother of two children (3.5years & 14 months) and I still don't feel like a grown up. It seems odd that I seem so grown up in their eyes.
You'll get there, and you'll be fantastic.
((HUGS)) and hoping the time goes nice and fast...


Christy said...

There is never a perfect time....just jump in

Carrie27 said...

I agree that there is never a perfect time to have kids. We can all find a reason to wait, but why?

Go after your dream and never look back!

Ophelia said...

I hope your wait is over soon!

Beautiful Mess said...

Amen!!! There is NEVER a perfect time to build your family. All you can do is what feels right to you and your husband. THE "Perfect parents" is a myth. I got a big fat does of that today. All we can do is do our best and who gives a *beep* if their father is tattooed and mom only wears make up sometimes. It's all about how you feel and if you feel you're not doing something right, then YOU change it. I have strong opinions on being "perfect". I strive for it all the time, but sadly, I'm short and I can't reach that high. However with the help and support of my husband and family and friends I can do a damn good job! I hope you're wait is over as soon as possible and you have that beautiful ending to your new beginning. HUGS!