Friday, July 17, 2009

Disconnected

Infertility stole my sense of being a woman and at times my sense of belonging to the human race. All of this happened in a matter of moments and required a huge shift in my sense of self, because at some point my life had to go on and I had to get up out of the floor. One of my greatest lessons was learning that I was so much more than my body, my ability to reproduce did not define me, my body's lack of cooperation was not my fault, and eventually I had made it back to being able to function. There was one problem I ignored my entire body, I forgot that part of taking of me was taking care of the body that I was walking around in.

Weight and body image has been a problem since I hit puberty. Standing next to my mother, at the house of her friend, in the afternoon. Her friend was getting something for them to drink and she looked up. The words that she said to me were not meant to hurt, because she was one of the sweetest women in the world. She said it looked like I had put on some weight. I was 10 at the time and 23 years later, the memory of those words can bring tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. This was in no way the beginning of my poor body image; it is just the first memory I have of someone making a comment about my weight, someone validating what I believed about myself. The fact was that I was going through puberty just a little bit earlier than most of my peers made me feel out of place. Looking back on the photographs I was not even close to being mildly overweight, I was just a girl going through puberty.

Now the body that I have ignored is screaming for me to pay attention. I know that I need to get this under control and I am sick of being the fat chick. There is only one problem is that I find myself caught in this vicious cycle and the mere idea of escaping is completely overwhelming. I hate the way I look, I eat, I am sad, I eat, I am happy, I eat, I feel bad about something, I eat, I am stressed, I eat. I eat because food is constant and comfortable.

Part of my healing the deep wounds of infertility is integrating myself back into myself. No matter how angry I am at this body for failing me, it is my body and I deserve better than what I am giving myself. In no way would I let someone else treat me the way I have treated myself. It all stops, the abuse that I have inflicted on myself stops today. Just as the misery was comfortable in the depression, the fat became my friend it has kept me safe and warm. I do not need this anymore, what I do need is to integrate my body back into my identity and begin to take care of myself again. I have a hard road ahead of me and I know that I will stumble and fall flat on my face at times, but the time has come for me to really respect myself.

12 comments:

Meg. said...

This post is so full of inspiration. You gave me chills.

Food is so easy to rely on, because, like you said, it's always there. Food never judges or says hurtful things. Food never has an opinion. It's purpose is to make us feel good. To satiate us in all the ways that people and places aren't able to.

I'm proud of you for taking a stand for yourself!

I know this may sound dumb and will possibly make you roll your eyes, but I was constantly teased about my weight (and late development) when I was young, too. I was taunted and gossiped about because of my *lack* of fat. Girls always assumed I was anorexic, and spread this misinformation freely. It really hurt. Even to this day, I get really defensive if someone says to me, "You're so skinny!"

I've taken a stand by eating healthier (just because I was skinny didn't mean I was making wise nutrition choices), and as a consequence I've put on weight. But this is ok. My body is trying to reach a healthy equilibrium.

I hope both of us are able to arrive at a balance we're proud of.

Cyn said...

Man does this post hit home-but for so many different reasons. I SO get the cycle aspect. I really do WANT to shed the weight, but at the same time I don't want to change any of my habits. I LIKE them and I LIKE eating brownies and cookies and I DON'T like eating them in moderation-how does one do that? The entire pan is sitting there all hot and gooey and I know that if I leave them they will not be as good the next day! There is my dilema!

My weight issues stem from totally different issues, but it's the same battle to win. I was not an overweight adolescent at all, but I distinctly remember thinking I was heavy in my late teens and that 'at least I would have a reason for being heavy once I had a kid', as if pregnancy is an excuse to be heavy and stay heavy. I maintain an extra 10 lbs or so after each pregnancy, but it's darn hard work to get most of it off. I've used many excuses, but really when it comes down to it I KNOW the weight is there because I have not 100% agreed to make the changes that are necessary. I mentally tell myself, I'm ok with the weight or it's not that big of a deal. But honestly I KNOW that it needs to change and I really need to focus on ME to do that in the next few months (see, I'm already not willing to commit to it right now).

Congrats to you for taking the first brave steps and becoming ready to tackle life long choices!

Beautiful Mess said...

It sounds cliche, but it IS a start. You realize you want to take care of yourself and respect your body. You may fall, but you WILL get back up.

You're beautiful, inside and out. I wish you to see yourself the way I see you. Kind, loving and gorgeous.
*HUGS*

Lisa RM said...

I hate what our culture does to women and our body images. I know where you're coming from. I remember my grandmother telling me "Are you sure you need a cream puff dear?" at our favorite restaurant once. Still hurts. Our bodies aren't supposed to belong to us, according to the media. Our bodies are there to be pretty and attractive and pleasing to the senses. I'm thrilled that you've decided to own your body and make it yours again. Good luck, you know you can always ask, and I'll do what I can.

Kristin said...

That is such a big step to take. Good luck Jaymee.

Rebecca said...

Good luck sweetie. It's hard, I know. Hugs to you as you work on reintegration.

Soralis said...

Good Luck! Wishing you well. IF can take us over body and soul. Here's to taking care of yourself.

Hugs

twoweekwait said...

you echo what so many of us suffer with. I have a similar memory from a similar age. I hope one day I can stop being so hard on my body for making me IF.

emilythehopeless said...

{hugs} you are a strong, wonderful, beautiful woman and i love you!

MyLifeMyWorld-SharingADream said...

I totally hear you....I wish I could muster the will power to change some of my own habits and lose these last 20lbs.

Wishing you all the best on your healthy new life...think of it that way, it's not weight loss, but rather feeling healthy.

Maybe that might make a difference?

Very inspiring post...are you planning to do a weight loss section on your blog?

Allison said...

Ugh, I need to lose weight!!! It's so hard to get started. I've started, stopped, started, stopped so many times. Wish I could start and keep going.

Good luck Jaymee.........you're an awesome person

Infertile In the City said...

It is so hard to love ourselves when our body does not do what we want, when it fails us, when it makes us feel so awful.

I am so glad that you realize the importance of loving you, I am sorry that your mother's friend's comment hurt you so much. My grandmother said something similiar to my sister when she was young and it affected her for years, the actions of others when young can have such long lasting affects...

Take care