Friday, October 16, 2009

So far away

Over the course of my life, I have been used to things being far away, out of my reach, and completely unattainable. This is a space I know exactly how to occupy, and yet in this situation it all just feels so horribly wrong. In about 2 and half weeks we are going to be transferring, we are going to be going into the clinic and transferring an embryo that could turn out to be my child and yet I feel nothing. I have these fluttering moments of fear of it all falling apart, but other than that nothing. Half the time I do not even think about it, really this has snuck up on me. This is not supposed to feel like this, at least in my fantasy world this is not supposed to feel like this. Maybe it will be different tomorrow at least that is what I keep telling myself. The reality is that it never does, I am not depressed my mental state is just fine, I just cannot get excited about this transfer.

I know that some of this is just natural. I have nothing to do with any of this right now. Everyone else is involved and I am just standing here watching it all happen. No one is excluding me from the process; in fact, everyone has been wonderful about trying to make me feel as much of this process as they can. Some part of me does not want to get my hopes up in fear of the let down and for me that is really a good thing. At the same time it just feels crappy. It makes we worry that maybe I do not really want this as much as I thought, which I know is just a stupid thought because we would have never made it this far without the desire to be parents.

Right now this whole thing just feels so very far away for my reality. There is nothing that I can do to change these feelings. In many ways, this feels like what women describe as their husband's reactions to pregnancy, it just is not real until the baby is born. I really hope that this will not happen, I want to be more involved than that, but if it does, there is really very little I can do to change my feelings. I know that I want this child more than anything in the world. No one goes through everything that I have to become a mother because they do not want a child. I will get there; it might just take me some time. So, in about 2 and half weeks we will be heading off for the transfer. Sabrina is doing wonderfully on her meds and everything looks perfect, but I would expect no less. We are very fortunate to have her on this adventure with us, I could not ask for a better friend.

10 comments:

Circus Princess said...

I'm sure it's just self preservation and that you'll wake up (don't know what other words to use) in due time.

I'm very excited for you, this is going to be an amazing journey and I can't wait :-)

Kristin said...

Jaymee, all you are experiencing is your heart and mind's attempt to protect themselves. You have been through so much and have had so many disappointments that you are just staying safe.

Heather said...

You know I'm going through IVF myself and I feel the same way you described it! It all feels very surreal, as if it isn't happening to me, but rather someone else. My feelings about everything put together are rather blunted. IF has robbed me of the feelings of excitement that fertile people take for granted and I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I'm so glad you found such a great surrogate. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Take care!

bumpfairy said...

Darlin, you're confused. Picture a graph with a giant X on it... one ( brightly orange) line starts high and ends up low, the other ( rainbow SURPRISE) line starts out low and ends up high. THAT is what surrogacy looks like. Right now, it's MY orange-y job to be all super excited and nervous and ready ready ready for the next step. It's your job to be stable and supportive, mellow on the bottom. Come about 20 weeks into this pregnancy, we'll meet in the middle. Both super duper excited, eager for what happens next. And then... I'll get huge and be unable to eat chocolate or roll over in the middle of the night without third party involvement. And you'll see your little one on an ultrasound.. with ten fingers and ten toes... you'll get calls about how she kicked me here or punched me there.. you'll start to imagine her hair color or just exactly what her skin will smell like.... and by the time we're done? That orange line is all the way at the bottom, done with this pregnancy, and a little sad and down that her part of the journey is done.. while that rainbow colored line is just as high up as it can get! Extatic to finally be meeting her daughter/child, the world a perfect place because the family has been created. You're SUPPOSED to be a bit bla right now... you're at the opposite side of that fantastic feeling you'll be getting in July! ((hug))

emilythehopeless said...

{HUGS}

Meg. said...

I was going to "ditto" the self-preservation, but I also really like Sabrina's interpretation of things (it made me cry! I'm in 24-7 sentimental mode right now).

I know you hate it when people say this, but you're going to make a *wonderful* mother, Jaymee. And I have no doubt that all those maternal instincts will begin to kick in sooner than you realize.

I think I'll still be in Aruba when you transfer, but you'd better believe I'll be thinking about you and rooting you on!

Sarah @ When two becomes three... said...

I think that being a IM in a surrogacy journey, you will always feel a bit far away from it all. And as you get closer to that prize, you will feel it but part of you will still not believe it. I really had to do a lot of emotional work throughout that 37w2d gestation when Miss B was baking. I had to emotionally catch up to the physical cause I was on the sidelines instead of center court. You have worked for this for so long, it has to be surreal to finally be where you are. Be gentle with yourself. There is no right or wrong way to feel. And your team-mate is awesome - you guys are going to do this and rock it out in total style.

TABI said...

Oh boy do I know exactly how you feel! When we were going through our cycle I felt so far away from it all having no physical role whatsoever. But I can say now that slowly but surely I have let myself feel closer and closer - believing that none of this would ever have happened without our efforts and love. I can't wait to hear more as you get closer to transfer.

Allison said...

I think what you're feeling is probably normal. I've felt that same way many times. I've doubted myself at times by saying, should we have done this? Did I really want it? But of course I do, of course you do. Jenn will be 12wks on Monday and I still can hardly believe it's true.

I can't wait till the transfer and to follow everything along. I'm so truly excited for you Jaymee. I'm here on the side cheering you on girl. I know you were there thinking of me while we were going through these ups and downs and I'm here for you.

Oh, and Sabrina is awesome. You got a good one girl. :)

Tanya said...

I think it's normal to feel disconnected. I'm in the process of trying for baby #2 (through IUI) and it feels totally unreal. There were times when I was pregnant with #1 that it felt like it was just a dream, it wasn't really happening, there was no way I could be so lucky...