Thursday, October 8, 2009

Stolen

Someone that I know very well stole our daughter's name yesterday. I am crushed, the betrayal is unbearable. Being in a place where I want to destroy someone's life over a name is not something that I am used to and not a place I want to be. Every tear that I cry feels wasted. Yes, I do not own the name I get that. It is most likely my entire fault for even opening my mouth. I asked that they not do this; I was told that they understood and I trusted that this would not happen. Worst of all I cannot even bring myself to look at the child, because for now all I can think of is that she has a name that should not belong to her. I know this sounds insane, but bear with me because I think that by the end of this it may make at least a bit of logical sense.

Like every situation that makes me react so strongly I feel the need to over analyze every aspect of the situation, blame it on all the therapy. Going over and over this, putting it through the blender and sieve, rinsing and repeating, and turning the whole situation into unrecognizable mush has made me see things very clearly. Infertility is just one huge thief and for that, I am irate. This situation was my tipping point, sending me flying back to a place I fought so hard to escape. The difference being that it has really given me a chance to look at my feelings in a different way and uncover pain that I did not know I was carrying around.

All the things that infertility has stolen:

My dignity got up and walked out after the umpteenth test and doctor.

Any sense of being a woman ran off a long time ago, because my body refused to perform a very basic function.

Friends have been left by the wayside, for a lack of understanding or the inability to deal with all the pain and sorrow that surrounds my life.

Tons of bodily fluids, tears, blood, bile, urine, and whatever else I have sacrificed to the reproductive endocrinologist.

Happiness has been so hard to find in so many situations and fighting the soul crushing depression delivered the final blow.

Romance, it is hard to feel desirable when you do not feel worthy or even human, even harder to make someone else feel that way.

Brain cells, all of the information and knowledge that is required to comprehend what is happening to me made my head hurt and I know that some of my brain cells just gave up.

Trust, faith, and hope took compassion and empathy and moved to the Bahamas, where they send postcards from time to time, between sips of frozen drinks, to the black piece of my soul that they left.

Worst of all infertility has stolen time. In the waiting, I have lost moments, months and years to be with my child. This is not something that I ever want to talk about because the reality is so heartbreaking. For every extra year it has taken for our child to arrive, I have grown older, moving closer to death. All this time I could have spent with the child that I am waiting to come into my life. Just typing those words bring tears to my eyes and nausea to my insides. No one wants to face their mortality, even more no one wants to think that there will come a time when their child will not have a parent. Spending so much time focused on an infant tends to blur the road ahead. Of course, this time is stolen from everyone that will love our child. Our grandmothers will have precious few moments as great-grandmothers and our grandfathers will never have those moments. This child will lose grandparents years before they would have if we could have just gotten pregnant. Words are not capable of conveying the hurt and pain this reality brings. Nothing about our infertility comes close to the grief that stolen time causes. I did not let myself even think about this until now.

My anger at the taking of the name is really all about the anger of stolen time. This baby who has that name may have more time, her parents may get those precious moments that I will not. Like everything in life, there is no guarantee that this will happen, but the possibility is agonizing. I do not know how to grieve this loss and finding a way to live with the pain just does not seem possible. Maybe I will learn, but this is not a lesson that I ever wanted to learn. I am okay with this path to parenthood and even grateful that I was having this amazing experience. Lost time is something that I will never embrace and something that I will never get over, because it is a loss to great and a price much higher than I am ever willing to pay. If we are to have a daughter her name will be the same, it is the name we chose for her many years ago, and nothing will change that.


 

15 comments:

Circus Princess said...

Jaymee, such a moving and soulful post. I recognize all the emotions behind your strong words about the loss of time.
I cannot believe your "friend" stole your little girls name. In my book that's like kicking someone who's already down. Sorry, I don't mean to add to your anger, I'm just saying I'm pissed with you!!

Big hug to you and good on you that you're sticking with the name regardless of your friends betrayal.

Kristin said...

Jaymee, I am amazed at the insightful way you are able to look at things despite the pain this moment brought you. Many people never would have looked beyond the surface pain in order to realize the real source of their sorrow.

{{{Hugs}}}

athena said...

first: AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGH!!!!!!!

had to get that out.

second: i'm so glad you're keeping the name.

even though our paths are different this post spoke to me, as yours always do, to a part of me that not many people know or both to understand. i have these thoughts all the time.. particularly about who won't be around when we finally have a child.. like helo's mom.. if i had been able to get pregnant our child would have at least been held by her. it's beyond unfair to the point of utter frustration.

oh i wish i could hug you!! {HUGS}

Kate said...

Yep, that's what I was going to suggest - just use your name anyhow. It's not like it's your sibling who stole it, where having two first cousins with the same name might be weird. Heck, that friend may not be such a close friend any more anyways after the betrayal of your trust, so your kids might not end up being around each other much.
Still, it sucks!

Meg. said...

Oh Jaymee. WHAT a violation! I would be stark raving MAD, just like you are. The least this "friend" could have done would have been to discuss the possibility of the name with you before the birth of her daughter, to get your input. Even then, I would have been PISSED!

The rest of your entry resonated with me like a sonic boom. Infertility is the nastiest, most unrelenting of thieves. Know that I share your anger and utter disgust with you. *hugs*

FET Accompli said...

I am FURIOUS at the person who stole your chosen name. Especially because she knew it was yours. I don't mean to be crass, but I just want to say: WHAT A BITCH. That was a violation and you have every right to be angry. Does the friend know that you are going through IF? Are you close friends? Is she generally not the most thoughtful person? I am just not impressed with this person.

With every baby born this past summer, I because totally anxious that they would pick our names. I hadn't shared our names, but was irrationally nervous that out of all the names out there, they'd pick ours.

The remainder of your post was also just so thoughtful. I second what Meg said - it resonated with me like a sonic boom. It truly did.

Sending you hugs.

Circus Princess said...

I have an award for you waiting at my blog :-)

Yolanda (callipygian chronicle) said...

I'll even articulate it a little further--the hurt that you're feeling, which I know sounds petty and silly, but is really and truly a betrayal--and that is this: By using the name that you had chosen for your child, your friend is dismissing your dream. She has a live baby and the name you've chosen is feminine and beautiful. "Why should she save it for your baby?" she thinks, "A baby that may never come." That is the message she is sending to you. And I cannot think of anything more callous and selfish to do to someone who is dreaming of, and working so hard, to bring a child into this world. I am so saddened for you that someone has betrayed you in this way. But trust me, she cannot take your dream away. Her child may walk around in your borrowed name, but the child of your dreams is still on the way. And anyone who doesn't believe in that dream--who can show you in such a blatant, nasty way how much they don't believe in it--doesn't deserve to take up space in your life.

corine said...

what a BITCH!!! oh I am furious on your behalf. what a cruel betrayal. How low will some people go?

Fertility Chick said...

Like others, I'm absolutely furious for you. I cannot believe someone would do something like that, especially after you asked them not to use the name. This isn't like it was an uncanny coincidence - they knew! Ugh!

I'm glad that you will still use the name.

You hit so many things on the head for me in this post - it is thoughtful and poignant. Thank you.

Rebecca said...

How sad that someone felt the need to undermine you and steal the name you chose for your daughter. Just because our children don't exist yet doesn't mean that their names we choose aren't special.
I loved this post, it spoke to me in many ways. Our paths may be different, but the feelings are so alike.
There is a little something for you on my blog :) .

Allison said...

I'm sorry she took the name. But am glad you are going to keep it.

I have laid awake many nights in bed wondering if I should have even went down the road to having children being the age I am (37). Calculating how old I would be when my baby is 10, 20, etc. How long would I be around? It just makes me down in the dumps, so I stopped thinking about it and am just looking forward to all of the time that I will have with my husband and baby. If not, I would go bonkers.

I hope you're feeling better.

I'm thinking of you.

Adventures in Small Business said...

I think your feelings are more about all of the other things you've lost, and as someone with PCOS I have some understanding of what it is like to have my body fail me at the most basic function of what a woman's body is supposed to do.

I think your friend using your baby name is annoying, but not that big of a deal. Maybe they always had it in mind, or just really liked it. No one owns a name and even if they did get the idea from you, I suppose from their perspective, you and your surrogate aren't pregnant yet and you might have a boy so maybe they thought no big deal.

Good luck on your journey. :)

valery said...

Yay for keeping the name, yay for keeping your dream. I'm dreaming of a daughter named Sophie. And with every Sophie that is born I think "see! it can be!" And I wouldn't be stealing the name from my mother, it would be honoring my mother. naming after my mother. So in this twisted universe I'd think of them as naming after a friend, only before instead of after.
May your dreams come true.

Anonymous said...

Very, very petty. I am sorry for this person who considers you a friend. You are no friend.
It is time to look past your own selfishness and realize life goes on for others and they have the right to name their children anything they want to without your permission.
You are the only selfish one in this entire scenario.