Tuesday, July 22, 2008

the biggest challenge of my life

Hi again, I am back. I needed to take a break and collect myself. Things here have been not going well.

Cigarettes were booted out of my life a few months ago, which was a great decision, and not one I would change. One little problem, taking their place was lots and lots of food. Result, I have gained almost fifty pounds in a very short period, pushing me ever closer to becoming morbidly obese.

My weight has been a struggle since I was a child. At the age of 12, I sent myself to "fat" camp, with my parent’s checkbook. It was a great time in my life, for a month I lived in California with a bunch of other girls struggling to be something (tiny pixies) that we were never going to be. I loved being there, I found a freedom, in not having to worry whether someone saw my stretch marks or that I was going to be judged because I could not run a mile without stopping a few times. Of course, that ended and I was sent back into the real world where I was fat and disgusting and people were going to make fun of me. Back into the world that confirmed the fact that I should hate myself and feel ashamed for taking up so much room on the planet.

I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I do not remember a time when I was comfortable with the way that I look, and I cannot imagine a time when I will. At some point, my self-loathing got to a point where I had to ignore it, and I stopped caring. Sure, I wanted to be smaller, but I just let it slide, because I had a life to live and worrying how I looked left little time to get anything else done. At some point, I decided that I was not going to define myself by what the scale said, because I knew that number was going to make me happy.

That all ended last Wednesday, I am sick, and if I do not change things, I am going to get much sicker. My liver has fat deposits in it, and if I allow this to continue, I am running the risk of having my liver fail, many years from now. This is the wake up call I never wanted to get. I am afraid; okay honestly I am scared to death. Not only have I ignored my weight for so long that I have done damage to my body. Suddenly I am being forced to pay attention to my weight, that thing that can send me into a depression faster than anything can. No longer is this about wanting to get into some dress, or wanting to be more comfortable on a long plane ride. This is serious and I am not sure I am up for the challenge.

Of course, if this was not enough, I also have lesions on my liver. Truly, this is what complicates everything. According to my doctor, if it were just the deposits, I would have to loose a bit of weight and monitor it every few years.

Here I am in the place I am terrified to be, the weight has to come off, and I have no idea what is under all these layers of fat. I am the fat girl, I know how to be the fat girl, and I am comfortable here. Sure, I hate myself for it, but that is comfortable too. This is how I am, this is how I relate to the world, and this is the role I understand. I am the bubbly, sweet, and kind fat girl, who will do everything to make sure everyone is happy, that everyone feels included and valued. What happens to that girl when 100 pounds of her is gone? How did I get to the point where I could loose 100 pounds and not be dead?

Simply, I am disgusted with myself, I am terrified of failing as much as I am terrified of succeeding, and I just want to crawl in a hole and I want to prove to myself that I can do this.
In my time on this Earth, I have never met a woman who is comfortable with the way that she looks. There is always some flaw to focus all our energy and attention on, this has become more than just a flaw, and that is what makes it so terrifying. Thankfully, this is a wake up call that I can answer, there is time to change before the point of no return. It is now a matter of facing my fears and doing what I must. There seems to be a theme in my life lately, taking on those things that terrify me, not because I want to but because I am forced. The weight is going to come off, and I do not know what is going to happen. What I do know is that I will rise to this challenge, as I have so many others; I also know that there are going to be setbacks and stumbles, and I am going to have all kinds of emotions. There are going to be days when I will feel great and days when the whole world will feel like it is coming down on me. This is not going to be the worst thing in the world, and it is not going to be the best, but it will be doable.


Franay said...

Gah. I hate that people ever have to think about their weight. It's good to think about your health, but I hate that you have to think about your weight. I think Sabrina is the only skinny friend I've ever had (she will dispute this, she thinks she's not skinny) and I think that's because skinny women spend so much time on their looks they never bother with their character. I'm just going to say that I don't care what you look like, I like who you are. Most importantly, your child(ren) won't care what you look like either.

Hang in there, sweetie. I'll be thinking of you.

Yolanda said...

I came here because you left an amazing, gripping comment on sweet juniper and I wanted to know more about the person who had that kind of story-telling ability (I never comment on sj, because his writing intimidates me and makes me feel inadequate). But the raw truthfulness of this post has just killed me.It struck me viscerally, as though my soul wanted me to read it. The fatty liver? Check. The obesity? Check. The accept-hate body relationship? Check. You're not alone in this struggle. I appreciate you for writing bout it.

corine said...

You go girl!

I love the blog "get fit slowly" the guys is inspiring. He's just a man trying to lose weight and telling us about his journey. I'd recommended it.

Amanda said...

oh jaymee! im so sorry that youre having to face such scary things on top of everything else! maybe this is a blessing in disguise (?) and you have an oportunity to become the most healthy mama out there. prepare your mind and your body for the most strenuous job of motherhood and please please stay healthy...the world needs you.

i quit smoking, too. it took getting pregnant to do it, but it was the best thing ever. call if you ever need support. unless being on the phone makes you want to smoke. then dont call. knitting always helped me.... fuck people who say carrot sticks help. carrots dont help anything.