Wednesday, July 23, 2008

lemon pledge

a smell, lemon pledge, sent flying by a ceiling fan. how did the contraband find its way into the protected shell? the memories fly back, oh no not these memories, these are the ones way down deep, the ones it has taken years to push down. it is so lonely here now, in this world that used to hurt so bad. find the good parts, find the happy moments. laying in the warm sunshine, like a pile of puppies, on the new spring grass. a feeling of safety and love that can not be duplicated. how could that have been, feeling so safe in the middle of chaos? do not question the happy memories, they are fleeting at best, they must be preserved, they are the anchors of reality.

a smell, a single scent, and it takes days to process the memories. the dichotomy of love and hate, longing and anger, trying to make it all right. those days were filled with constant terror, so constant that it became the normal state. i miss it though, the comfort of living life on a cycle. wanting to know that three months in the future at 8 am on saturday the same event would take place, because that is what happened every saturday at 8 am. what was abusive never registered, not until years later, it was normal, it was my life. you never question adults, they know better. if i am just perfect enough i will get out, i will be able to start living a life again, i just have to keep it together and be perfect. it was a game i never learned to play, i was never given the rules. my life feels that way still. i walk through life thinking that there is some grand playbook i was not issued.

missing that time is a betrayal, finding happiness in those days in the abyss is wrong. anger, rage, hate, these are the appropriate emotions. people who taught me friendship, trust, and love deserve better of me. it is tantamount to laughing while they are screaming, i want to be a better friend than that, they deserve better. the beauty of our friendships, i will never have to explain, we are not required to explain. we know each other better than we know ourselves, they know this was going to happen years before i did, they accept these flaws. what i am really missing is the time when we were all together, in those five minutes when all the bullshit fell away, and we were normal.

funny how the scent of cleaning products can do. well at least now you understand why my house is such a mess.


Yolanda said...

"at least now you understand why my house is such a mess."

That line feels very weighty, perhaps more than you intended. Or because I identify so keenly with the symbolic and literal nature of having a messy house.

Amanda said...

i understand, jaymee. i remember all of that, too and i hate to admit there are things i miss. like us all together.
and i hire someone else to clean for me now. its too emotional. ;)

Kymberli said...

Sometimes it's scary what a simple scent will do. Especially when it brings back such tough memories.

meredithwinn said...

oddly enough, it's lemon pledge for me as well. it conjurs up very strong emotions for me. it brings me straight back to my parent's house, to my mother's dusting, all the knick knacks, all the words that fell and landed in the dust, the gagging smell... it's a very powerful thing. i can't stand it still. you're a strong woman for writing this out, this is part of the healing journey.