Sunday, July 13, 2008

who am i really?

writing our profile has brought up a thousand questions. the main question being, who the hell am i? most of us spend our lives searching for an answer, but i do not think i will ever come close to finding an answer.

since i have started writing about this journey, wonderful new people have come into my life, and the old ones have found a new way of communicating with me. through these interactions i have gained some insight into how i look through others' eyes. the one word that seems to stick out the most, courageous. the first time i put it in the "you are just nuts" column. then it kept popping up and i had to question the meaning of the word.

cour·age –noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

well, now i know they are all really crazy, and the men in white coats carrying butterfly nets need to be called. fear, anxiety, and a strong desire to never speak, is what defines me, i do not speak in class unless points are being awarded, i do not have strong convictions about anything, at least not strong enough to ever open my mouth. my stomach still turns when i have to talk to people i have know forever. my biggest fear is that everyone will one day find out that i am faking my way through life. as a child i was painfully shy, and i still remember how difficult it was for me to open my mouth and the pains in my stomach, the heat on my cheeks, and just wanting to melt into the floor.

i have had a few moments in my life, when i have gotten away from myself. these are moments when others threatened or hurt those i loved. i have made it my mission in life to make sure that no one near me ever feels pain or sadness. even people who i am not really close with, if you are in my life, even on the periphery, i will do everything i can to protect you. as a child i did not have many friends, it was really difficult for me to find relationships with my peers. this got so bad, that i was in a major depression by the time i was 13, and i never wanted anyone else to feel the pain of being alone.

in some ways i do not think my self esteem ever recovered from those years. i never understand why people want to be friends with me. it is difficult for me to see what qualities i possess for friendship. i am not saying this so all of you tell me how wonderful i am and how much i do for you, this is truly how i feel. i know that you all love me and i know that you would walk to the ends of the earth with me, as i would with you, i just will never understand why.

infertility throws self image into the tilt-a-whirl and then sends it through the cheese grater. i am a woman, women carry babies, i can't carry babies, so who in the hell am i? it is insane logic and extremely myopic, but it is the thought pattern i have lived with for years.

what i have learned over the years, is that no matter how you define yourself there will always be something to turn that definition sideways. in the end, for me it is how well i live up to my ideals. the majority of the time i fall so short, that it probably is not worth having ideals at all.

in my ideal world i...
- care for others
- listen to everyone, especially those i disagree with because those are the people i learn the most from
- give everyone the respect they deserve
- don't look out for only my self interest
- make sure everyone i love knows that they are loved
- help those who i can, and find help for those i can not
- do not judge others' behavior, because i am no saint

like i said this is my ideal, i don't think there has been one day of my life that i have met two at a time, let alone all of them. it may happen one day, most likely it will not, but i still have hope.

i am not courageous, i am scared to death and this is how i deal with it. i was debating between writing about it and banging my head against the wall, and since this was less messy i chose to write. i really hate to clean. 99% of the time i am white knuckling my way through this jungle, and i know that i am not alone. in reality i am doing this for everyone who is unable to talk about this struggle, in hopes that it might help them find a voice.
the longer we keep silent, the longer we will have to endure the pain.
my biggest fear is that not dealing with all the pain created by this process, and as a consequence having my relationship with the child, i have fought so hard to have, suffering.


Scrumpkin said...

The way you describe yourself in this post is so similar to how I would describe myself.
I think when people go through infertility they discover and understand a lot about themsevles and their spouses that otherwise they wouldn't have.
And I don't think anyone can ever know who they really are, because as humans don't we emotionally evolve and change with new experiences?

Infertility just sucks (obviously...)

robynanne said...

Ya, I had no friends in school as well and I also don't think that I ever really got over it. I am constantly amazed when I think about the people that I call my friends now (there ARE some, is mostly what amazes me!)

I hate to clean too. :)