Thursday, August 7, 2008

i bit the bullet

i conquered the first really terrifying parts of this process. i finished my part of the profile. since i am not really that good at conveying who i am to others, i thought this was going to be a miserable experience. in reality once i started writing it all just fell into place.

what was easiest for me was to start writing about the easy part for me. in my case this was the medical history. after repeating it a thousand times to doctor after doctor, it was easy. funnily, in writing what i thought would be a dry piece of work it became really personal.

there was such a natural flow, in talking about the technical the personal heartache was not so difficult. the last thing that i want is for some woman to pick us out of pity. i can feel sorry for myself and wallow in it all i want, but i will not accept pity. it was not until i started sharing my medical difficulties with others that i realized just how awful the whole thing was. i knew it was not the ideal situation, but it was my situation and had become my normal. in the end i made a choice between being pregnant and being a mother, and i do not regret my choice.

making myself sit down and just start writing was the most difficult part. working through all the anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and getting it through my own thick skull that i am worthy of this amazing gift, was one of the biggest learning lessons of my life.

i know that i am a decent person, a good friend, an okay daughter and sister, and a fantastic wife (jimbob does read this). still, it is hard to imagine that i will ever do anything in my life to be worthy of this amazing gift. i know that you all are probably sick of me talking about surrogates like they are deities, but to me they are. without some incredible woman who is a stranger to me, making the decision to give up her body, parts of her life, and her waistline, i would not be able to hold my child in my arms just moments after he/she sucks air for the first time. there is no way that i could ensure that my child got every chance at the healthiest start in life. in my way of thinking there will never be anything that i will ever do in this life to match that kind of altruism.

i am however one giant step closer to making this all a reality.

3 comments:

IVF Land on Surrogacy World said...

I named my surrogates after fertility goddesses.
So I understand the whole deity thing. Good luck on your adventure of a lifetime.

Amani said...

They are Goddesses.

I am scared too.

This is such a deeply emotional, cathartic and illuminating process.

rarejule said...

We miss you on Sassy... come on over and we'll cheer you on!!