Friday, August 1, 2008

is surrogacy worth...

"you have so much. i just do not understand why you have to want more. i mean your life looks just fine to me."

today these words were spoken to my face. someone spoke these words that cut deep into the bone. my life is great. i have a husband who adores me, a roof over my head, plenty in the fridge, bills paid, ect. ect. my life is perfect except for that one thing, i am childless.

guilt invades my life at every level. i fall short at every turn. here i am in my thirties and i still feel as competent as a kindergartner. i can't even be content and grateful for what i have without wanting more. this life should be enough. i should be happy with all that i have instead of pushing so hard to get the one thing that has eluded me. i am spending so much time chasing after something that may never happen. something that i might be really bad at once it does happen.

everyone says that i am a natural mother and that i always have been. problem is that i am good at this with people who can take care of their own basic needs. someone who depends on me for everything is a completely different story. i have to ask myself if all this heartache is worth it for something i might totally fail at.

failure here would not only effect me, it would also effect an innocent being that did not ask for this life. worse still i worry that all the pain that has built over all these years will ruin my ability to be a good mother. the urgent feeling that this one must go right because there will be no more. the fear that failure can never be corrected. as the oldest i was always told i was the guinea pig, and that my parents corrected their mistakes with my sister. there will be no other child if i am not perfect the first time i will never get a chance to correct my mistakes. what if i am not able to be a good mother because the fear that will paralyze me. at the end of this day i will get over this and do it anyways, i have come too far to turn back now.

still i question whether parenthood is what i am meant for. maybe there is a reason that i can not have children. it is possible that my body knows something i do not. i do have other talents, and maybe these are what i should focus on, i should be learning to just be content with what i have. i have so much, while others have so little.

i hate it when people say things that are so hurtful and so true. i am an ungrateful bitch for not being able to accept that i made this choice. two years ago i sat in a room with my doctor and said," i am ready to give up my uterus, because this is all to inconvenient. i do not want to bleed for months on end anymore." i willingly laid on the table and had 200 degree water run through my uterus and let them tie my tubes. on that day i understood that i would never have my own child. to become a mother i would have to travel half way around the world or pay someone else to have a child. so i should just accept my decision, buy another pet and be done with this.

problem is i want this more than anything. i want to pace the hall at 3 in the morning, when they are newborns and when they are on their first date (or whatever it will be then). i want all the really horrible moments, the hard work, the screaming, the tears, and whatever hell parenthood can be. i want all of this so that i can have this one moment, "mommy, i love you." to just hear those words once.


g said...

just wanted to send out some (((((HUGS)))) your post moved me to tears! it is beautifully said.. Yes we allshould be happy for what we have but i think its that lil face looking back at you and calling your "mommy" that we all want! We want to hear those three words come from that sweet lil face... You so hit the nail on the head as to why we work so hard for that one extra thing in our already "perfect" lives.

Anonymous said...

Stop it. Stop beating yourself up. You are just as deserving of motherhood as any other good woman. Your choice over your health was the right one. And NO ONE is a perfect mother. You will get some things wrong. You're supposed to. And some day? Some child will give you your "I love you". And this will all be worth it. Every freaking damned second of it. Know that. Hold it to your heart. And some day? You can give it to your child.

Amani said...

I really understand where you are coming from. i have been having these same thoughts as an IM through surrogacy. I think it's something we need to be asking ourselves, but not let others get in the way of our dreams. And they are big, worthy, noble dreams. It's not like you're complaining about not having an expensive car or a designer wardrobe.

You will have your child/ren though surrogacy if you keep plugging away achieving your dream. So what if you've got a lot of things other people may not have. I'm sure there are many things other people have that you don't. We can always find people who are better off or worse off than us.

You are wanting to achieve life - that is an amazing goal. Right now you may not think you are prepared to care for an infant. I'm certainly not ... but you will learn, and learn quickly, make mistakes, correct your mistakes and be a wonderful mother. Because you want this so badly.

Go for it and don't look back!

Amanda said...

everyone before me said it already. you dont do this as a choice; you do it because you HAVE to. the same reason you will be pacing the hallway at 3am, because its your job. you are compelled to, because you are a mama.
and if "jimbob" reads the comments, too...LOVE TO YOU, TOO!

corine said...

You are made to be a mother. It's so obvious. When you become a mother you will love every instant and take nothing for granted. You will, in the end, get so much more out of motherhood than most and your children will be loved more than most children. Continue dreaming, hoping, working towards this goal. I can't think of a more worthwhile goal.

Also, the hurtful things people say such as "you have so much" might be their stupid attempt at making feel good about your life. The fact is, they understand you but don't know how to deal with your pain.

This is all from my own experience with infertility.