is surrogacy worth...

"you have so much. i just do not understand why you have to want more. i mean your life looks just fine to me."

today these words were spoken to my face. someone spoke these words that cut deep into the bone. my life is great. i have a husband who adores me, a roof over my head, plenty in the fridge, bills paid, ect. ect. my life is perfect except for that one thing, i am childless.

guilt invades my life at every level. i fall short at every turn. here i am in my thirties and i still feel as competent as a kindergartner. i can't even be content and grateful for what i have without wanting more. this life should be enough. i should be happy with all that i have instead of pushing so hard to get the one thing that has eluded me. i am spending so much time chasing after something that may never happen. something that i might be really bad at once it does happen.

everyone says that i am a natural mother and that i always have been. problem is that i am good at this with people who can take care of their own basic needs. someone who depends on me for everything is a completely different story. i have to ask myself if all this heartache is worth it for something i might totally fail at.

failure here would not only effect me, it would also effect an innocent being that did not ask for this life. worse still i worry that all the pain that has built over all these years will ruin my ability to be a good mother. the urgent feeling that this one must go right because there will be no more. the fear that failure can never be corrected. as the oldest i was always told i was the guinea pig, and that my parents corrected their mistakes with my sister. there will be no other child if i am not perfect the first time i will never get a chance to correct my mistakes. what if i am not able to be a good mother because the fear that will paralyze me. at the end of this day i will get over this and do it anyways, i have come too far to turn back now.

still i question whether parenthood is what i am meant for. maybe there is a reason that i can not have children. it is possible that my body knows something i do not. i do have other talents, and maybe these are what i should focus on, i should be learning to just be content with what i have. i have so much, while others have so little.

i hate it when people say things that are so hurtful and so true. i am an ungrateful bitch for not being able to accept that i made this choice. two years ago i sat in a room with my doctor and said," i am ready to give up my uterus, because this is all to inconvenient. i do not want to bleed for months on end anymore." i willingly laid on the table and had 200 degree water run through my uterus and let them tie my tubes. on that day i understood that i would never have my own child. to become a mother i would have to travel half way around the world or pay someone else to have a child. so i should just accept my decision, buy another pet and be done with this.

problem is i want this more than anything. i want to pace the hall at 3 in the morning, when they are newborns and when they are on their first date (or whatever it will be then). i want all the really horrible moments, the hard work, the screaming, the tears, and whatever hell parenthood can be. i want all of this so that i can have this one moment, "mommy, i love you." to just hear those words once.