DATES!!!

egg retrieval FRIDAY!

transfer WEDNESDAY!

For The News Junkies!

sabrina has perfect lining, 10.7!!!

the egg donor has 19 follicles ranging from 19mm to 13mm. they are still waiting for her hormone levels to come back, but are thinking that retrieval will be thursday or friday!

transfer will be 5 days after retrieval!

Joining the Tribe

We infertiles often talk about the people who give us the stupid comments or insensitive remarks because those hurt. The people who go through this journey right beside us, we often overlooked. Without two women being willing to go through infertility treatments for me I would not be becoming a mother. Neither of these women need to do this, they both have children of their own. It is easy to dismiss their willingness to go through all of this with thinking that they are just in this for the money, but anyone who has gone through this will tell you that no amount of money in the world would be worth volunteering to play the role of an infertile. These women join our tribe for a myriad of different reasons, what really matters though is that they are there. They show up and take on our pain as if it was there own, carry our hopes and dreams, and they do it voluntarily. For all the stupid comments we get, they get just as many. No matter how many times I see this happen I will always stand in awe that these women show up and voluntarily join our tribe.

In May of this year, a voluntary member of our tribe was diagnosed with breast cancer while she was carrying a beautiful little girl for an infertile couple. At that moment, she became part of a tribe no one wants to join. Nikki was a month away from her 32^nd birthday when she found the lump that would forever change her life. Over the past five months, she has gone through a double mastectomy and chemo with an amazing amount of grace that often leaves me breathless.

I have lost people I loved to cancer, watched others battle and win. All the time I knew that anyone could get cancer, but it had never happened to anyone my age. Nikki's diagnosis was a real wake up call for me. I have always done self exams, but it was just something that I never thought about happening, it was more of a baseline thing. Sadly, breast cancer does not care how old you are it comes whenever it feels like it and the destruction is horrifying.

Please join me in joining Nikki's tribe. She willingly joined ours, the one that we were dragged into kicking and screaming. Sometimes, just knowing that there are others in your corner can heal more than any medicine.

ILCW!!

Welcome,welcome! This is by far my favorite time of the month!

What is happening here:

October 28th: First possible egg retrieval for our egg donor
Wait for PGD results to come back. We are doing PGD to avoid testing once pregnant.
November 2nd: First possible transfer date for our amazing surrogate and single superstar embryo!

Basically, just in a holding pattern and waiting for all those medications to kick in. As I said in my last post I am pretty much shut off emotionally from the whole process, and I am really okay with that. This baby making has been many, many years in the making and I see no reason to get my hopes up now.

If you want to read story of how we got to this point it lives here!

Thank you for stopping by. I promise to get a better post up soon.

So far away

Over the course of my life, I have been used to things being far away, out of my reach, and completely unattainable. This is a space I know exactly how to occupy, and yet in this situation it all just feels so horribly wrong. In about 2 and half weeks we are going to be transferring, we are going to be going into the clinic and transferring an embryo that could turn out to be my child and yet I feel nothing. I have these fluttering moments of fear of it all falling apart, but other than that nothing. Half the time I do not even think about it, really this has snuck up on me. This is not supposed to feel like this, at least in my fantasy world this is not supposed to feel like this. Maybe it will be different tomorrow at least that is what I keep telling myself. The reality is that it never does, I am not depressed my mental state is just fine, I just cannot get excited about this transfer.

I know that some of this is just natural. I have nothing to do with any of this right now. Everyone else is involved and I am just standing here watching it all happen. No one is excluding me from the process; in fact, everyone has been wonderful about trying to make me feel as much of this process as they can. Some part of me does not want to get my hopes up in fear of the let down and for me that is really a good thing. At the same time it just feels crappy. It makes we worry that maybe I do not really want this as much as I thought, which I know is just a stupid thought because we would have never made it this far without the desire to be parents.

Right now this whole thing just feels so very far away for my reality. There is nothing that I can do to change these feelings. In many ways, this feels like what women describe as their husband's reactions to pregnancy, it just is not real until the baby is born. I really hope that this will not happen, I want to be more involved than that, but if it does, there is really very little I can do to change my feelings. I know that I want this child more than anything in the world. No one goes through everything that I have to become a mother because they do not want a child. I will get there; it might just take me some time. So, in about 2 and half weeks we will be heading off for the transfer. Sabrina is doing wonderfully on her meds and everything looks perfect, but I would expect no less. We are very fortunate to have her on this adventure with us, I could not ask for a better friend.

awards, awards, and more awards!!

I have been a total slacker about this, so I am going to combine them all in one post.



Thank You Circus Princess
Here are the rules that accompany this esteemed honor:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award - check
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog. - check
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award. - check
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

And here's another seven things you don't yet (but are about to) know about me:

1. I have a current obsession with Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches, it is really becoming a sickness.
2. My dream cars, because I could never pick just one, is a VW Bus or a wooden paneled stations wagon. Dreaming really big here.
3. When I build a house one day I want a living room with a huge glass garage door and furniture that can be pushed out of the way so that we can roller skate and ride bikes in the living room. I also want a trampoline room!
4. I will not eat avocados, they are just yucky!
5. My dream vacation is to go to Hobox Island and dive with the whale sharks.
6. The first trip I took that required a passport was to Kenya, skipped Europe all together.
7. I love the fact that my parents video taped my entire life, but don't tell them that.



The criteria of this award is that I have to list 7 things I love and then 7 bloggers I love to pass this award on to.
7 Things I Love:

1. My husband for a million different reasons!
2. My hot tub, hands down the best money I ever spent!
3. The two furry rugs that live with me, otherwise known as my cats. They can be pains but they make me very happy.
4. SABRINA! Go check out the pictures she posted the other day and you will understand why.
5. All of my friends, of the real life and bloggy kind. I could have never come this far without you.
6. My camera, because it gives me room to live in the world without being petrified.
7. All my music, it gives me peace and room to figure out the world.

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award
4. Have Fun!


The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Car
2. Your hair? Wet
3. Your mother? Wonderful
4. Your father? Amazing
5. Your favorite food? Any
6. Your dream last night? Crazy
7. Your favorite drink? Diet DP
8. Your dream/goal? Parenthood
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? Photography
11. Your fear? Darkness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Unhappy
15. Muffins? Tops
16. Wish list item? Baby
17. Where did you grow up? Texas
18. Last thing you did? Shower
19. What are you wearing? Towel on my head
20. Your TV? On
21. Your pets? Furry
22. Friends? Too far
23. Your life? Fun
24. Your mood? Happy
25. Missing someone? Friends
26. Vehicle? Passat
27. Something you’re not wearing? Ballgown
28. Your favorite store? Williams-Sonoma
29. Your favorite color? All
30. When was the last time you laughed? Last Night
31. Last time you cried? Two Weeks and 6 days
32. Your best friend? Lacy/Sam/Hubs
33. One place that I go to over and over? Kenya
34. One person who emails me regularly? Emily
35. Favorite place to eat? Flemmings

Okay, so now that I have slacked I need to pick a million people to pass these onto, but I am not that good at blog reading so I am just going to break the rules a bit. I am going to nominate a few and then if you want one feel free to have it. I love all of you who read here and I could never pick a favorite.

Heather
Life Happens
Kelli
Niki
Blonde Dawn
Allison

Stolen

Someone that I know very well stole our daughter's name yesterday. I am crushed, the betrayal is unbearable. Being in a place where I want to destroy someone's life over a name is not something that I am used to and not a place I want to be. Every tear that I cry feels wasted. Yes, I do not own the name I get that. It is most likely my entire fault for even opening my mouth. I asked that they not do this; I was told that they understood and I trusted that this would not happen. Worst of all I cannot even bring myself to look at the child, because for now all I can think of is that she has a name that should not belong to her. I know this sounds insane, but bear with me because I think that by the end of this it may make at least a bit of logical sense.

Like every situation that makes me react so strongly I feel the need to over analyze every aspect of the situation, blame it on all the therapy. Going over and over this, putting it through the blender and sieve, rinsing and repeating, and turning the whole situation into unrecognizable mush has made me see things very clearly. Infertility is just one huge thief and for that, I am irate. This situation was my tipping point, sending me flying back to a place I fought so hard to escape. The difference being that it has really given me a chance to look at my feelings in a different way and uncover pain that I did not know I was carrying around.

All the things that infertility has stolen:

My dignity got up and walked out after the umpteenth test and doctor.

Any sense of being a woman ran off a long time ago, because my body refused to perform a very basic function.

Friends have been left by the wayside, for a lack of understanding or the inability to deal with all the pain and sorrow that surrounds my life.

Tons of bodily fluids, tears, blood, bile, urine, and whatever else I have sacrificed to the reproductive endocrinologist.

Happiness has been so hard to find in so many situations and fighting the soul crushing depression delivered the final blow.

Romance, it is hard to feel desirable when you do not feel worthy or even human, even harder to make someone else feel that way.

Brain cells, all of the information and knowledge that is required to comprehend what is happening to me made my head hurt and I know that some of my brain cells just gave up.

Trust, faith, and hope took compassion and empathy and moved to the Bahamas, where they send postcards from time to time, between sips of frozen drinks, to the black piece of my soul that they left.

Worst of all infertility has stolen time. In the waiting, I have lost moments, months and years to be with my child. This is not something that I ever want to talk about because the reality is so heartbreaking. For every extra year it has taken for our child to arrive, I have grown older, moving closer to death. All this time I could have spent with the child that I am waiting to come into my life. Just typing those words bring tears to my eyes and nausea to my insides. No one wants to face their mortality, even more no one wants to think that there will come a time when their child will not have a parent. Spending so much time focused on an infant tends to blur the road ahead. Of course, this time is stolen from everyone that will love our child. Our grandmothers will have precious few moments as great-grandmothers and our grandfathers will never have those moments. This child will lose grandparents years before they would have if we could have just gotten pregnant. Words are not capable of conveying the hurt and pain this reality brings. Nothing about our infertility comes close to the grief that stolen time causes. I did not let myself even think about this until now.

My anger at the taking of the name is really all about the anger of stolen time. This baby who has that name may have more time, her parents may get those precious moments that I will not. Like everything in life, there is no guarantee that this will happen, but the possibility is agonizing. I do not know how to grieve this loss and finding a way to live with the pain just does not seem possible. Maybe I will learn, but this is not a lesson that I ever wanted to learn. I am okay with this path to parenthood and even grateful that I was having this amazing experience. Lost time is something that I will never embrace and something that I will never get over, because it is a loss to great and a price much higher than I am ever willing to pay. If we are to have a daughter her name will be the same, it is the name we chose for her many years ago, and nothing will change that.

 

and we're off!

Bright and early this morning the fabulous Sabrina Skyped with me, she went to all that trouble for one very special reason. I was there when she gave herself the first of many Lupron shots. She is such a trooper, what would have taken me hours, took her all of five seconds. This is really happening, we are one our way!!

and then i cried

Now I just feel stupid about my last post. Today is just a simply amazing day. I never thought that seeing TONS of medication and needles not meant for me would bring me to tears, but you learn really fast in this process that anything is possible. Sabrina has her medication, a lot of medication. This is really happening, for real, like in reality, where I live part of the time. Seeing the pictures brought me to tears. Never did I think this was going to happen. Through countless phone calls and tons of logistics, it all just seemed like I was watching a movie of someone else. Now it is real, we are really going to do this.

In The Bog

I found myself in the bog yesterday, one that I have witnessed others sunk in but one that I have never visited. I pulled myself out, with the support of the man who has always stood there and pulled me from the edge. His love and willingness to sit with me through the worst moments will always amaze me, always. This is our relationship, we have seen the worst in each other, we embrace the ugliness, and move through it together. Without our ability to maintain our love for each other through all the dark and frightening places my life with him would not be possible.

Yesterday was the first time that I was terrified of letting him see me in the place where I was sitting. In some way this has all been building over all these years of trying to become a mother, but I ignored the fact that there was the possibility that I could fall. Each turn that we have taken on this road has just been taken. I would feel the pain, mourn the loss of the moments that we would not share and then move to the next step. At times getting to the next step took a long time, but I always found my footing. Every email and every phone conversation felt like it was all part of the universe telling me to just stop, just give up on this silly dream of being a mother and go get a life worth living. Never had I questioned that I was going to become a mother, some way some how I was going to have a child all I had to do is just keep trying and one day I would have the honor of becoming someone's mother.

The bumps were so minor yesterday, miniscule compared to everything that we have gone through to get this close. Our donor had a very low level of nicotine in her urine. The pharmacy and the clinic had a minor bit of miscommunication. The clinic was having miscommunication with Sabrina and I. My husband will be on the other side of the country around our expected due date, if this works the first time. All these things have one common thread, every single one of these is completely out of my control. This is my dream, the one thing that I want more than I can ever begin to describe and it is all in the hands of others. This is something that I have never worried about, I trust Sabrina completely, and I trust our clinic.

Having to stand outside of all this has been bothering me for a while. Not because I have a problem with not being able to just do this on my own. Not having a role at the moment just feels weird. Having a woman willing to give up her body, time and ability to always be with and do things with her own children so that I can become a mother is always going to just be strange. Knowing that a woman is willing to hand over her eggs to us will always be amazing. It is easy to diminish what is happening by saying that monetary compensation is involved, which they are. In the case of the donor I believe that this is a bigger motivation, but in no way is it the only motivation. When it comes to Sabrina I know that the compensation is the smallest part of her motivation. Part of feeling strange about this is my inability to accept that other people are willing to give to me, I am horrible at this. Another part, possibly the bigger part, is that I need to feel a sense of control over what is happening in my life. Handing over the biggest dream in my life is simply terrifying.

Add all of this together and you get a perfect combination for a lot of self doubt. Yesterday, all of it just came to a head. I feel so guilty about even entertaining the idea that I should not be a mother. I have wanted a child since I was a small child myself. Friends in high school called me mom, because I spent a great deal of time mothering them. There is nothing else in my life that had been a more stable character trait. Through all the changes that have occurred at the center of me is my desire to be a mother. Doubting that I should continue to pursue this, even for the briefest of moments, was crushing.

I am much better now. We are going to retest the donor, but our doctor does not believe that such a small amount of nicotine should be a problem. The pharmacy mess up was fixed in 13 minutes. I believe that the communication problem with the clinic has been worked out. If the husband has to be gone, then there is nothing that I can do about it, he has to do what is best for his career. Missing the birth would be sad, but there are years and years of moments that he will be there for and that one moment is really small in the big picture. I no longer believe that there is a vast conspiracy to keep me from motherhood. I just hope that I never go back to that place, because it scared me in a way that I have never been scared.