think before you open your mouth

if you have read this blog, you know that i have little tolerance for stupid/mean people. well, big surprise they are at it again. just so you know the following things should never be spoken:
- it is none of your business how many children someone has. you have no right to comment on this, you are not their medical professional
- for those of us availing ourselves of medical science to have our families, we are sharing our pain/joy/confusion, you are to sit there nod your head and have compassion. we do not need to hear that a dog is a good substitute.
- surrogates are not machines, they are women with bigger hearts than you can comprehend. if you think they should hand you the baby and go away, then do a closed adoption. or better yet wait until a machine is invented, you probably need the time to learn manners and compassion. yes, yes, i know that was mean.
i just do not understand everyone's need to voice their opinions. whatever happened to keeping you mean, nasty thoughts to yourself? just because a child is involved, does not give you the right to verbal diarrhea. fact is you obviously should not have an opinion on raising children, if you can not master the most basic rule "If you do not have anything nice to say, then do not say anything at all."
if you want to tell your friend she looks awful in a particular outfit, fine, this is doing her and society a favor. if you want to tell the same friend that she needs to raise her child X way, or that i was not meant to be for her to have children, pinch yourself really hard, and repeat, "I will not say stupid, mean, or hurtful things that make me look like a jacka$$"
i am going to get off my soapbox, but this just really bugs me. i just do not understand why people feel the need to add to other's pain, and why so few try to look at how the other person may be feeling. just think before you speak.

wait while i catch my breath

this is really happening, no i am not dreaming, this is really going to work. we found an agency!!! a real live agency, and they are wonderful, responsive, and open to all our many questions. i can finally breath again and i didn't even know i was holding my breath. after what we have been through with the other agency i was scared of getting too excited, but i am starting to really trust that this will happen.

after the falling out with the other agency, i was beginning to believe that i was holding onto a dream that really was out of my reach. the pain of getting burned like that doesn't go away easily. it has made me more skeptical about the goodness of people, if that is even possible. from the first conversation with the director of the new agency though really did start to heal some of those burns.

what makes me feel so much better:
- every question i have asked has been answered
- i haven't been treated like a number
- all my concerns are taken seriously
- everyone at the agency are available to me whenever i need them

most importantly i feel that they are working for me, and not just taking my money and handing over a service. this doesn't feel like going to the furniture store, this feels like joining a team that is going to work to make this a reality. i am confident that this bumpy road will be navigated with partners that truly want the best experience for all of us embarking on this journey.

i know this sounds hokey, but i can't describe it any other way. this is a frightening adventure at times, and then there are these moments when all is right with the world. my fears are a bit calmer and i can allow myself to feel a little piece of happiness.

dealing with disappointment is learned the hard way when traveling down the infertility highway. happiness is something that you tend to forget. all in all though i think that i have managed to keep a good balance. i am a bit less trusting than i used to be, and part of that is just growing up and some of it is dealing with all the ick that comes along with infertility.

on another note. to the people who said i was voluntarily infertile. i have been telling myself everyday that i am fertile, and for some reason i still don't have a uterus and the PCOS is still there. i know this b/c i went to my annual appointment and my dr. assured me that this was the case. it did however make him laugh, which isn't that easy. you would think an obgyn would need a sense of humor, but he lost his. if you happen to find an extra let me know.

so now i've got a ton of new paperwork to fill out. then we have to find someway of putting our profile together. i'll let you know how you tell someone all about you in seven pages, or how i am going to manage to fill seven pages. truth is we just aren't that exciting.

Legacy of an Adopted Child

this is a poem someone showed me a long time ago. it isn't completely relevant, but in some ways it does apply, especially in relation to #7.

Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women, neither knew the other
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
Two very different lives shaped yours into one
One became your guiding star, the other was your sun.
One gave you emotions, and one calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
The first gave you life, the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you up—it was all that she could do,
The other prayed for a child—God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age-old question of all the years,
Heredity or Environment, which are you a product of?
Neither darling, neither ... just two different kinds of Love.