Friday, June 13, 2008

wait while i catch my breath

this is really happening, no i am not dreaming, this is really going to work. we found an agency!!! a real live agency, and they are wonderful, responsive, and open to all our many questions. i can finally breath again and i didn't even know i was holding my breath. after what we have been through with the other agency i was scared of getting too excited, but i am starting to really trust that this will happen.

after the falling out with the other agency, i was beginning to believe that i was holding onto a dream that really was out of my reach. the pain of getting burned like that doesn't go away easily. it has made me more skeptical about the goodness of people, if that is even possible. from the first conversation with the director of the new agency though really did start to heal some of those burns.

what makes me feel so much better:
- every question i have asked has been answered
- i haven't been treated like a number
- all my concerns are taken seriously
- everyone at the agency are available to me whenever i need them

most importantly i feel that they are working for me, and not just taking my money and handing over a service. this doesn't feel like going to the furniture store, this feels like joining a team that is going to work to make this a reality. i am confident that this bumpy road will be navigated with partners that truly want the best experience for all of us embarking on this journey.

i know this sounds hokey, but i can't describe it any other way. this is a frightening adventure at times, and then there are these moments when all is right with the world. my fears are a bit calmer and i can allow myself to feel a little piece of happiness.

dealing with disappointment is learned the hard way when traveling down the infertility highway. happiness is something that you tend to forget. all in all though i think that i have managed to keep a good balance. i am a bit less trusting than i used to be, and part of that is just growing up and some of it is dealing with all the ick that comes along with infertility.

on another note. to the people who said i was voluntarily infertile. i have been telling myself everyday that i am fertile, and for some reason i still don't have a uterus and the PCOS is still there. i know this b/c i went to my annual appointment and my dr. assured me that this was the case. it did however make him laugh, which isn't that easy. you would think an obgyn would need a sense of humor, but he lost his. if you happen to find an extra let me know.

so now i've got a ton of new paperwork to fill out. then we have to find someway of putting our profile together. i'll let you know how you tell someone all about you in seven pages, or how i am going to manage to fill seven pages. truth is we just aren't that exciting.

2 comments:

Nacole said...

Im so HAPPY! THANK GOD FOR ALL HE IS DOING, I KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER, JUST PRAYING IT WAS SOONER THANK LATER! IM GONNA BE AN AUNTIE!

Amanda said...

im also volunterily infertile. i volunteered to inject myself nightly with carcinogenic drugs that made me feel like my body was being turned inside out so that a roomfull of doctors and nurses could impregnate me while my husband was 30 miles away. much more convenient than conceiving a baby through traditional sex. ugh...thats so FILTHY.