surrogacy update and lessons learned

due to my problems with my liver, we are putting the surrogacy thing on pause until we figure out what is wrong. not that it is anything serious, but we want to know what we are dealing with before we have a child. that is one of the privileges we get out of this whole mess, we get to plan more than most people, this is also a curse.

when you have years to think about having your child, and you are forced to plan every minuet detail, eventually you start going way overboard. add in a few class on child and adolescent abnormal psychology, and you have the recipe for disaster. there are a million things that can and do go wrong in pregnancy, and i have thought through every one of them a thousand times. as you can imagine this leads to nothing but absolute terror.

we get one shot at this, and we want it to go perfectly, which makes us a tiny bit psycho about doing everything right. i feel like there is no margin of error, there is no room for failure. the only problem with this, we are making a baby and things go wrong or at least not as planned even if we cross every t and dot every i. the other problem is that not only are we dealing with the baby's schedule, we are dealing with a surrogate who needs to be treated with all the love and respect that we have.

in communicating with surrogates, i have learned a really important lesson, well actually many, but this one is worthy of a post. at some point we are all going to hire lawyers and hash out all the nitty gritty of our contract. this is going to include everything from compensation for bed rest, to life support and other crappy things that no one really wants to discuss. one of the issues that will come up is selective reduction and termination of the pregnancy, this sucks but it must be discussed.

one thing that i have found out listening to surrogates, is that people do not always specify what testing they want done, for example amniocentesis. in a conventional pregnancy these things can be decided when the need arises, in a surrogacy these decisions need to be made before the pregnancy ever happens. it is not fair to the surrogate to say yes we want to terminate if there is something wrong with the fetus, and then not specify how you are going to determine if there is something wrong. there are many different tests that can be done, with various levels of risk to the carrier and the fetus.

i know that i can not be alone in this obsessive quest for information about what is going to happen. part of this education needs to include what tests are available, how precise they are, all the pros and cons, and when they do and do not need to be done. i am not a medical professional, (even though i have spent so much time in doctors offices that i probably could fake it pretty well) but i feel an obligation to my future surrogate, myself and my child to be as educated as possible.

surrogates, like every other person on earth, deserve to be told the truth about your intentions. when i get to the contract table i plan on knowing what i do and do not want, and the reasoning for each of these things. i have had plenty of time to consider everything a thousand times. there are going to be a lot of events in this pregnancy that i will be left out of, and i hate, get angry, and want to scream about that, but i also can not change that fact. what i can do is make sure that everyone goes into this with their eyes open and that no one leaves this feeling deceived or taken advantage of by me.

nothing has made me sadder, than hearing a surrogate say that she felt she was being treated like a commodity, and then having many others confirm that they too felt this way. a commodity is a good that people trade. these women are the farthest thing from a commodity. first, humans are not commodities they are people who deserve respect. second, i will owe one of them a debt that i will never be able to repay. i just do not understand how anyone thinks that this is acceptable. this journey is not only about us, parents, it is about everyone who is coming together to make a dream come true. a woman who does not even know me is willing to give up her body, dignity, time, and possibly her life to make my dream of being a mother a reality. how beautiful i think that is, i have no words for, all i have are tears of joy, awe, and a woefully inadequate thank you.

lemon pledge

a smell, lemon pledge, sent flying by a ceiling fan. how did the contraband find its way into the protected shell? the memories fly back, oh no not these memories, these are the ones way down deep, the ones it has taken years to push down. it is so lonely here now, in this world that used to hurt so bad. find the good parts, find the happy moments. laying in the warm sunshine, like a pile of puppies, on the new spring grass. a feeling of safety and love that can not be duplicated. how could that have been, feeling so safe in the middle of chaos? do not question the happy memories, they are fleeting at best, they must be preserved, they are the anchors of reality.


a smell, a single scent, and it takes days to process the memories. the dichotomy of love and hate, longing and anger, trying to make it all right. those days were filled with constant terror, so constant that it became the normal state. i miss it though, the comfort of living life on a cycle. wanting to know that three months in the future at 8 am on saturday the same event would take place, because that is what happened every saturday at 8 am. what was abusive never registered, not until years later, it was normal, it was my life. you never question adults, they know better. if i am just perfect enough i will get out, i will be able to start living a life again, i just have to keep it together and be perfect. it was a game i never learned to play, i was never given the rules. my life feels that way still. i walk through life thinking that there is some grand playbook i was not issued.

missing that time is a betrayal, finding happiness in those days in the abyss is wrong. anger, rage, hate, these are the appropriate emotions. people who taught me friendship, trust, and love deserve better of me. it is tantamount to laughing while they are screaming, i want to be a better friend than that, they deserve better. the beauty of our friendships, i will never have to explain, we are not required to explain. we know each other better than we know ourselves, they know this was going to happen years before i did, they accept these flaws. what i am really missing is the time when we were all together, in those five minutes when all the bullshit fell away, and we were normal.

funny how the scent of cleaning products can do. well at least now you understand why my house is such a mess.

new blog reads

the ~ spirit ~ of ~ the ~ river has been added to the blogs that i read. while most of the blogs kept track of by me are my family (this includes my friendfamily), this is someone i do not know. she is the person i want to become. nothing i can explain whit mere words, it makes me want to cry, smile, giggle, shout joyously, and everything else, all at the same time. i need to come up with a word for blog crushes. any suggestions, or words that exists that i, as a non-cool kid, don't know?

the biggest challenge of my life

Hi again, I am back. I needed to take a break and collect myself. Things here have been not going well.

Cigarettes were booted out of my life a few months ago, which was a great decision, and not one I would change. One little problem, taking their place was lots and lots of food. Result, I have gained almost fifty pounds in a very short period, pushing me ever closer to becoming morbidly obese.

My weight has been a struggle since I was a child. At the age of 12, I sent myself to "fat" camp, with my parent’s checkbook. It was a great time in my life, for a month I lived in California with a bunch of other girls struggling to be something (tiny pixies) that we were never going to be. I loved being there, I found a freedom, in not having to worry whether someone saw my stretch marks or that I was going to be judged because I could not run a mile without stopping a few times. Of course, that ended and I was sent back into the real world where I was fat and disgusting and people were going to make fun of me. Back into the world that confirmed the fact that I should hate myself and feel ashamed for taking up so much room on the planet.

I have never felt comfortable in my own skin. I do not remember a time when I was comfortable with the way that I look, and I cannot imagine a time when I will. At some point, my self-loathing got to a point where I had to ignore it, and I stopped caring. Sure, I wanted to be smaller, but I just let it slide, because I had a life to live and worrying how I looked left little time to get anything else done. At some point, I decided that I was not going to define myself by what the scale said, because I knew that number was going to make me happy.

That all ended last Wednesday, I am sick, and if I do not change things, I am going to get much sicker. My liver has fat deposits in it, and if I allow this to continue, I am running the risk of having my liver fail, many years from now. This is the wake up call I never wanted to get. I am afraid; okay honestly I am scared to death. Not only have I ignored my weight for so long that I have done damage to my body. Suddenly I am being forced to pay attention to my weight, that thing that can send me into a depression faster than anything can. No longer is this about wanting to get into some dress, or wanting to be more comfortable on a long plane ride. This is serious and I am not sure I am up for the challenge.

Of course, if this was not enough, I also have lesions on my liver. Truly, this is what complicates everything. According to my doctor, if it were just the deposits, I would have to loose a bit of weight and monitor it every few years.

Here I am in the place I am terrified to be, the weight has to come off, and I have no idea what is under all these layers of fat. I am the fat girl, I know how to be the fat girl, and I am comfortable here. Sure, I hate myself for it, but that is comfortable too. This is how I am, this is how I relate to the world, and this is the role I understand. I am the bubbly, sweet, and kind fat girl, who will do everything to make sure everyone is happy, that everyone feels included and valued. What happens to that girl when 100 pounds of her is gone? How did I get to the point where I could loose 100 pounds and not be dead?

Simply, I am disgusted with myself, I am terrified of failing as much as I am terrified of succeeding, and I just want to crawl in a hole and I want to prove to myself that I can do this.
In my time on this Earth, I have never met a woman who is comfortable with the way that she looks. There is always some flaw to focus all our energy and attention on, this has become more than just a flaw, and that is what makes it so terrifying. Thankfully, this is a wake up call that I can answer, there is time to change before the point of no return. It is now a matter of facing my fears and doing what I must. There seems to be a theme in my life lately, taking on those things that terrify me, not because I want to but because I am forced. The weight is going to come off, and I do not know what is going to happen. What I do know is that I will rise to this challenge, as I have so many others; I also know that there are going to be setbacks and stumbles, and I am going to have all kinds of emotions. There are going to be days when I will feel great and days when the whole world will feel like it is coming down on me. This is not going to be the worst thing in the world, and it is not going to be the best, but it will be doable.

Hope Notes

surprise, i know i said i was taking the weekend off, but then i came across this on stirrup queen's site.

this a campaign, movement, or whatever you feel inclined to call it, of stepping outside our own lives for a second, to give to a stranger. Hope Notes, are simply little notes left in public places that may bring a smile to someones face, or simply be a nice little surprise.

i love this idea, because it such a simple way to step outside our own lives and give to a stranger. over the years, dealing with infertility, i have heard a thousand times, "Everything happens for a reason." this phrase makes me sick, when it is used about my experience. this is an area where that phrase seems to apply perfectly. it also forces us to focus on others for a moment, which can do wonders. sitting and stewing in my personal problems never did me any good, helping others has always made me feel better, so now i have a simple way to do this.

we all have crappy days, our hearts broken, our dreams shattered, our accomplishments go unnoticed, our efforts thwarted, simply we all face struggles. now think, if on one of those days while picking up toilet paper, you came across a simple little note. it is not going to fix anything, but for a moment it might make you feel a bit better.

even if you are not inclined to take a photo, or even make a card, please smile at those you pass, or acknowledge once a day that you are not the only person on the planet. i promise it will not cost you anything, but it may mean the world to the person on the other end.

I will get off the soapbox, thanks once again for induldging the crazy lady.

Another bonus: You get to break out the crayons, markers, glue, glitter, or whatever artsy stuff floats your boat, and play, which I don't think you can ever do enough.

just passing time

These are some pictures that I took the other day. I have been super busy and really stressed. I will write more later, just enjoy the pictures of my pretty hydrangea. If you want check out my Etsy store (link to the right), actually just check out Etsy, it is the coolest place and my new addiction. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I am off to collect myself, and I will be back Monday night.

who am i really?

writing our profile has brought up a thousand questions. the main question being, who the hell am i? most of us spend our lives searching for an answer, but i do not think i will ever come close to finding an answer.

since i have started writing about this journey, wonderful new people have come into my life, and the old ones have found a new way of communicating with me. through these interactions i have gained some insight into how i look through others' eyes. the one word that seems to stick out the most, courageous. the first time i put it in the "you are just nuts" column. then it kept popping up and i had to question the meaning of the word.

cour·age –noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.


well, now i know they are all really crazy, and the men in white coats carrying butterfly nets need to be called. fear, anxiety, and a strong desire to never speak, is what defines me, i do not speak in class unless points are being awarded, i do not have strong convictions about anything, at least not strong enough to ever open my mouth. my stomach still turns when i have to talk to people i have know forever. my biggest fear is that everyone will one day find out that i am faking my way through life. as a child i was painfully shy, and i still remember how difficult it was for me to open my mouth and the pains in my stomach, the heat on my cheeks, and just wanting to melt into the floor.


i have had a few moments in my life, when i have gotten away from myself. these are moments when others threatened or hurt those i loved. i have made it my mission in life to make sure that no one near me ever feels pain or sadness. even people who i am not really close with, if you are in my life, even on the periphery, i will do everything i can to protect you. as a child i did not have many friends, it was really difficult for me to find relationships with my peers. this got so bad, that i was in a major depression by the time i was 13, and i never wanted anyone else to feel the pain of being alone.


in some ways i do not think my self esteem ever recovered from those years. i never understand why people want to be friends with me. it is difficult for me to see what qualities i possess for friendship. i am not saying this so all of you tell me how wonderful i am and how much i do for you, this is truly how i feel. i know that you all love me and i know that you would walk to the ends of the earth with me, as i would with you, i just will never understand why.

infertility throws self image into the tilt-a-whirl and then sends it through the cheese grater. i am a woman, women carry babies, i can't carry babies, so who in the hell am i? it is insane logic and extremely myopic, but it is the thought pattern i have lived with for years.

what i have learned over the years, is that no matter how you define yourself there will always be something to turn that definition sideways. in the end, for me it is how well i live up to my ideals. the majority of the time i fall so short, that it probably is not worth having ideals at all.

in my ideal world i...
- care for others
- listen to everyone, especially those i disagree with because those are the people i learn the most from
- give everyone the respect they deserve
- don't look out for only my self interest
- make sure everyone i love knows that they are loved
- help those who i can, and find help for those i can not
- do not judge others' behavior, because i am no saint

like i said this is my ideal, i don't think there has been one day of my life that i have met two at a time, let alone all of them. it may happen one day, most likely it will not, but i still have hope.

i am not courageous, i am scared to death and this is how i deal with it. i was debating between writing about it and banging my head against the wall, and since this was less messy i chose to write. i really hate to clean. 99% of the time i am white knuckling my way through this jungle, and i know that i am not alone. in reality i am doing this for everyone who is unable to talk about this struggle, in hopes that it might help them find a voice.
the longer we keep silent, the longer we will have to endure the pain.
my biggest fear is that not dealing with all the pain created by this process, and as a consequence having my relationship with the child, i have fought so hard to have, suffering.

a bad day in surrogacy - land

today is going to be one of those days, my nerves are so close to the surface. pampers commercials are sending me over the edge, and forget anything about a family on vacation. on these days i hate the person that i am, it angers me that i can not be grateful that my life is so full and wonderful. for some reason there just is not that amount of gratitude in me. i am angry that my body has betrayed me and is denying me the one thing i want more than anything in this world.
infertility has been like this for me, there are times when i am fine and think that i have come out of this rather unscathed. unlike so many people i know, i have not spent years injecting myself, sitting in waiting rooms, crying over home pregnancy tests, and documenting every movement. my body just never functioned properly and i finally just could not take it anymore, so i decided that i would avail myself of the many options for creating a family and improve my quality of life. we never tried to prevent pregnancy and it just never happened for us, so we were going to have to go through all those steps.
i knew myself well enough to know what was the right decision, and i am so grateful that i have that insight. still there are these days, when i am angry and i want to beat my fists on the floor. THIS ISN'T FAIR, I DON'T DESERVE THIS. i should have never had to make the decision between being able to be a good mother and being able to give birth to my child.
over the past month i have found this amazing group of women and men who have been a huge source of support. i finally do not feel that i am the only person in the world going through this. it has meant the world to me to not be alone in this, and not be judged for what i am doing, but don't even get me started on the judgemental idiots of the world.

i just want to crawl back in bed and hide.
oprah is having the show on surrogacy in india today, which means there is going to be all these people commenting on a subject they know very little about. whenever the media gets hold of this story, they seem to suck all that is good and beautiful out of the process.
so before you start judging me, I DID NOT CHOOSE THIS, MY BODY BETRAYED ME, AND I HAVE SUFFERED GREATLY FOR IT, I DON'T SIT AND JUDGE YOU, SO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE ME!!!! this whole thing upsets me so much because people are unwilling to really educate themselves before they call people in our situation "opportunistic white people with too much money". this is not the situation, not even close.
my main goal in all of this, besides having a family, is to make sure everyone walks away from this feeling good about the experience. i am NOT buying someone's baby, and i am NOT engaging in any action close to prostitution.
what i am doing is engaging a woman in a contract to carry a child for me. we both know that upon the birth, the child will legally be my child. under no circumstances is she being coerced or bribed. she will be compensated financially, but i guarantee you that there are much easier ways to earn money.
i know that it is hard to believe that there really are people in this world who are willing to give so much of themselves to a perfect stranger, but these people really do exist. this is a practice as old as time, it is talked about in the old testament (sarah, hagar, and abraham). we have just moved so far away from community, become so distrusting, locked ourselves away from our neighbors for fear they will take advantage of us, that the idea someone would sacrifice for another has become a foreign concept. truly it is sad that we have become such a cynical society, that we can not even imagine a world where people want to help others. we have learned to worship the almighty dollar so much, that we can not conceive that someone would help without being primarily motivated by money.
in the past few weeks i have had the privilege to get to know many of these women. if you want to really offend them, tell them that the money is their main motivation. let me warn you, you do this at your own risk, these are some fierce women, who you anger at your own peril. the truth is that these women are beautiful people, who want nothing more than to help someone in need. while some women give their time and energy to particular causes, such as breast cancer charities, these women give of themselves to help people realize their dreams of becoming parents.
personally, there is nothing that i could ever do to repay the woman who will help make my dreams come true. even though i have yet to meet her, i know that she would say knowing that she had helped me bring a child into the world would be enough.
people have the right to their opinions, and i would never deny anyone the freedom to express themselves. along with rights come responsibilities, and the responsible thing to do before spouting hurtful speech, is to educate yourself. surrogacy is extremely complicated, and no two situations are ever the same. i can only speak for myself, for me this is just one of the many ways people create families. this is the way that we have chosen. other choose different methods. if i had the chance to have my own child, i would. i can not do that, so i had to come up with a different option. in choosing this option, we made a conscious decision to involve a lot of people in making our family. from the beginning we decided that each of these people would be treated with all the respect that they deserved, this is the way we live our life. it is important to us that our child be created in an environment of love and respect, just as they would have if we could have done it the old fashioned way.
just remember that you do have the right to your opinion, you do not have the right to hurt others. couples who have their children through surrogacy, are not doing it to avoid the stretch marks, they are doing it because they are for whatever reason, out of options.

just me catching my breath again

seven years ago today i became a wife. i married the love of my life and to this day i pinch myself. in those quiet moments, with him in his chair and me in mine, i look over at this man who agreed to spend the rest of his life with me, and seven years later it still takes my breath away.
a lot of people say they are married to their best friend, and i believe them. when i say i married my best friend, i mean that i married a man who at one point was my friend and only my friend.
the moment he told me he was in love with me was the most magical moment of my life. it would be another 10 years before we were married, in those years our lives took many twists and turns, but that was always the moment when my whole world was right.
while we were saying our vows, all i could think of was how do i stop this without everyone noticing. in all the years we had known each other i had never seen him so white, i really thought he was going to pass out, hit the floor, or throw up on my shoes. "i just hate everyone looking at me," was the response he gave when i questioned him later. frankly, i did not know anyone else was there, for those twenty minutes it was him and i and nothing else mattered. every dream i had ever had was coming true at that moment. what ever else happens in this life, what ever else never happens in this life, i will always have that moment.
he walked into this knowing that we were not going to create a family in the conventional, back of the car manner. he walked into this knowing that there were going to be major stumbling blocks. he knew walking into this that i was flawed, in so many ways. he walked into this marriage knowing that there were sides of me that were ugly, nasty and at times down right mean. we knew each other so well the day we got married, that we could have an entire conversation standing across the room from each other, with just our eyes.
he amazes me every day. he still takes my breath away. he still makes my heart skip a beat. he still makes me feel like i am the only person in the world.
so on the day that marks seven years since we got married, i have the need to tell the world just how the man i married is amazing.

because i am not talented enough to put into words the way i truly feel about this man, i'll let David Francey do it for me:

Broken Glass

Saw you standing in the cafeteria line
I'd have given the world just to make you mine
Saw you at your locker, in the high school hall
And it didn't take a minute for my heart to fall

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Saw you on the bus, on the way back home
You were sitting so pretty, sitting all alone
Couldn't think of anything much to say
Except I'll love you forever, 'til my dying day

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Seeing her now makes me think of then
And I remember how and I remember when
You'd go to a party hoping that she'd show
Then you'd dance in the darkness to Abbey Road

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again




you just have to change the she to he, but i refuse to change the words of a genius.


if you have never heard David Francey, i recommend that you check him out, he is one of a quickly dying breed, a true musician and gentleman.

hun, if you are reading this, i love you more than all the stars in the sky. i know i am one crazy person to put up with and you do it so well.

telling the kid about surrogacy

now that we have decided that this is the path we are taking to have our family, we now have to answer the big question: how are we going to tell our child about how they came to be?

one of my most clear memories, is the entire day of my life that culminated in my parents telling me that i was adopted. i was in the 2nd grade. that afternoon i had my two bottom canine teeth pulled. while sitting in my nana's den, eating an orange jelly candy, my mother asked me where i wanted to go to dinner that night. oh the sheer joy and excitement, my parents wanted me to give input on what i wanted. they really cared what i wanted to do and i got to make a decision and they were going to comply and i was not going to have to scream and yell or hold my breath until i turned blue. i started counting all the teeth i had yet to loose and wondering how many the dentist would pull. pulling teeth obviously led to this great and glorious day when i had power, real and true power handed to me without question. there was no question, we would dine in the wonder that was the Old San Fransisco Steakhouse, the fantasy world of all little girls, who aspired to walk across bars. they had a red velvet swing above the bar, and they let kids swing being pushed by a woman dressed in late 1800's whorehouse costume, think Hollywooded up Deadwood. then they gave you a certificate. i probably collected hundreds. now if this was not enough they served this huge block of swiss cheese with a slicer cutty thing. I LOVE CHEESE. my father says, "if you put cheese on dog shit jaymee would eat it." that is a bit of an overstatement, but not too far off the truth.

after all the glorious swinging and cheese eating, it was time to go to bed. i was told to go put on my pjs and come back out. i knew this was too good to be true, i was getting in trouble, it was never good to be told to come and talk. so in my nightgown i sat on the brown velour couch with my parents. the stress was building in my little body. "Your adopted, do you understand what that means?," my mother blurted out. according to my father she had spent weeks working out what she was going to say, and she had a whole speech ready, i never heard that speech. like all adopted children of the late 1970s i had "the chosen baby" book, it was one of my favorite stories, and through that i knew what adoption meant. i remember crying, i do not know why i was crying, but it was one of those awful snotty icky crying. i had suspected that i was adopted a year before they ever told me, and asked my nanny. my sister not being adopted, had pictures taken in the hospital, and i did not. my parents documented our lives so closely, you would have thought they were conducting research. the thought that they would not have a picture of me in the hospital could only have one explanation, i had to be adopted, there was no other option.

my mother then went and got a painting that she bought for our new house. it was 2 star gazer lilies on a black background. i don't know what happened to the painting, i assume my mother sold it when we moved. sadness fills me that someone picked up this canvas at a garage sale, they will never know all the emotions tied up in that piece of art.

being able to remember that day with such clarity is one of the best memories of my life, but it has taken me years to get to this point. i know that my parents wanted to become parents so bad, that they were willing to jump through so many hoops. i am not sure i could have endured all that they did, and i definitely can not imagine worrying for two years that someone could come and take away my child. (at the time i was born the laws gave biological parents two years to change their minds, this is not done anymore) in fact i know i would have been a wreck and there is no way that i could let myself love my child as fully as my parents love me, because i would paralyzed by the fear.

being told that i was adopted was an event in my life. i will always remember that day, because my whole self concept changed. my parents are wonderful caring people who could not love me more. they were working with what they knew, and did an amazing job raising me. out of all the people i know, there is no one that will not do something differently than their parents when it comes to raising their children. for me this will be my change. i will consider myself accomplished as a parent if my child grows up feeling half as loved by me as i do by my parents.

for my child i want something different, i want them to always have known how they came into the world. over the years i have had a lot of friends who were adopted, and it has been my experience that the ones who always knew they were adopted seemed to just accept their adoptions and never give it a second thought. for them it is a natural state of being, their adoptions never defined them as people.

our child will be the product of surrogacy. no shame should ever be attached to this fact. none of us asked for this to be the case. as a little girl, i never thought, one day i am going to grow up and have another woman carry my child. all the same this is how we will make our family happen, through a lot of work, tears, fear, joy, and people who really love each other, our child will come into the world. actually that is not much different than how most children get here, we are just adding a few more people.

a dear friend of mine sent me the book, "Hope and Will Have a Baby", which is a very sweet book. i am so happy my child will have their own version of "The Chosen Baby". still i am left with the question of how do i explain this process to a small child. i got my answer while reading the blog of a gestational surrogate. her young, adopted daughter surprised her with knowing that she was having a surrogate baby for another couple. she simply explained that sometimes women have broken tummys and other women have babies for them, please read the story here, it is simply one of the sweetest story i have read on this subject.

having all this time to think about having a child, makes you think of things that most people never consider. i can not begin to list all the crazy thoughts that have gone through my mind. a happy child, who knows we love them more than anything in the world, is all i really want for them. giving birth to a child in no way makes you a mommy and biology does not make you family. sacrifice, love, constant support, mending scraped knees and hearts, makes a family.