i love him

today the energy is gone, the hope is fading and there is no urge to get any of it back. nothing happened all is still moving. it is just one of those days where putting one foot in front of the other is more than difficult. we talked the other night and the words finally hit my brain, and out jumped the fear. the feeling provoked are not his fault, they are my feelings, he just provides the safety to release them.

"Do you feel like you are apart of this whole process. I mean you really are just following me around."

"Of course I am part of it. This is like the wedding, make the plans and tell me when to show up and what to do."

"We are creating a child not throwing a party. Don't you want more input."

"I trust you. Just do what you think is right."

"I know you trust me, but I don't want you to feel left out. You don't get excited or upset, you just follow along."

"My life is just really busy right now. I am excited, you are just going to have to wait a bit for me to break out the pom-poms." He is getting a PhD and works insane hours.

"Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were in this with me."

"I am"

that was the end of the conversation. ten minutes later.

"You have been in so much pain for so many years, and now you are in a position that your heart can be shattered. If I get in there with you, who is going to piece you back together? I need to stay detached for you."

he never ceases to amaze me.

happy birthday

32 years ago today my husband was born. i have been fortunate enough to have known him for the past 16 of those years. we celebrated tonight with a dinner and just some time together. in these moments of celebration i feel so inadequate, there are all these feelings that i want to express that never leave my head.

he is my heart and soul, without US, i do not make sense. this is not to say that i need him to define me, only that i need him to share with me all that each of us brings to this relationship. over the past year our lives have become masses of nerves and stress. through it all i have been able to depend on him to prop me up when i could not even fathom standing on my own. over this year i have been driven to make our child a reality, to the point that i have pushed him to the side. not once has he yelled and screamed, he simply taps me on the shoulder hugs me tight and lets me know that he is still here.

i could not have custom ordered a better person to go through all this with. in my quest to keep my head through this mess, he has been the one patiently placing back on my shoulders. i can only hope that he knows how much i love, admire, cherish, and adore him. he is the most amazing man in the world and deserves so much more than i give him.

happy birthday hun. all my love now and forever.

just me catching my breath again

seven years ago today i became a wife. i married the love of my life and to this day i pinch myself. in those quiet moments, with him in his chair and me in mine, i look over at this man who agreed to spend the rest of his life with me, and seven years later it still takes my breath away.
a lot of people say they are married to their best friend, and i believe them. when i say i married my best friend, i mean that i married a man who at one point was my friend and only my friend.
the moment he told me he was in love with me was the most magical moment of my life. it would be another 10 years before we were married, in those years our lives took many twists and turns, but that was always the moment when my whole world was right.
while we were saying our vows, all i could think of was how do i stop this without everyone noticing. in all the years we had known each other i had never seen him so white, i really thought he was going to pass out, hit the floor, or throw up on my shoes. "i just hate everyone looking at me," was the response he gave when i questioned him later. frankly, i did not know anyone else was there, for those twenty minutes it was him and i and nothing else mattered. every dream i had ever had was coming true at that moment. what ever else happens in this life, what ever else never happens in this life, i will always have that moment.
he walked into this knowing that we were not going to create a family in the conventional, back of the car manner. he walked into this knowing that there were going to be major stumbling blocks. he knew walking into this that i was flawed, in so many ways. he walked into this marriage knowing that there were sides of me that were ugly, nasty and at times down right mean. we knew each other so well the day we got married, that we could have an entire conversation standing across the room from each other, with just our eyes.
he amazes me every day. he still takes my breath away. he still makes my heart skip a beat. he still makes me feel like i am the only person in the world.
so on the day that marks seven years since we got married, i have the need to tell the world just how the man i married is amazing.

because i am not talented enough to put into words the way i truly feel about this man, i'll let David Francey do it for me:

Broken Glass

Saw you standing in the cafeteria line
I'd have given the world just to make you mine
Saw you at your locker, in the high school hall
And it didn't take a minute for my heart to fall

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Saw you on the bus, on the way back home
You were sitting so pretty, sitting all alone
Couldn't think of anything much to say
Except I'll love you forever, 'til my dying day

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again

Seeing her now makes me think of then
And I remember how and I remember when
You'd go to a party hoping that she'd show
Then you'd dance in the darkness to Abbey Road

When you hear a sound like broken glass
That's my heart every time that girl walks past
When you hear a sound like the rush of wind
It's just me catching my breath again




you just have to change the she to he, but i refuse to change the words of a genius.


if you have never heard David Francey, i recommend that you check him out, he is one of a quickly dying breed, a true musician and gentleman.

hun, if you are reading this, i love you more than all the stars in the sky. i know i am one crazy person to put up with and you do it so well.

thank you all (my new shiney surrogacy support)

i thought that no one but my mom read this site, and i thought she only read it in case there was a pop quiz. (I LOVE YOU MOM) after my up all night post, i have gotten so many amazing responses. so now i cry about how lucky i feel that there are so many amazing people out there who want to offer their support. this has been a theme with me over the past year, if i am not crying because i am sad, it is because i am happy. i'll get over this, i better get over this.
so now i have all these brand new shiney friends. joebob will be so happy, he is no longer the only person for me to talk at (he doesn't respond, or if he does i am talking over him).
speaking of the husband. in my previous post i talked about the things he had bought for the baby. when i told him, he wanted to know if i had taken pictures. really, you think i should take pictures? he wants his first triumph as a dad to be thoroughly documented, and i really can't blame him. so here are the pictures of what he did.
before we get to the pictures, we have decided to give the kiddo a blog name. JELLY, we decided on this cause first it is cute, and second it combines our favorite boy and girl names.
so... jelly this is your daddy's first accomplishment as your daddy.

lets count, 5 shirts/outfits 2 bottles (their are 5, but whose counting)

the guy in the moon is Jerry Garcia. he is not related to us, but your daddy and i think he is great, so you will get to know him well. this will be your daddy's department, so don't tell him i introduced you.
here is your first concert shirt. the actual show took place before mommy and daddy were born, but you won't be able to read, and it isn't that important, you'll look cool.
mommy has a turtle obsession and daddy has a grateful dead obsession, thankfully the dead combined the two many years ago.


so there you have it, jelly. your daddy can buy you clothes and mommy can take pictures of them, what else do you need. we can't wait to dress you and take your picture.

to all the rest of you, thanks for indulging the crazy lady. more importantly thank you all for reaching out, it really warms the heart, i hope i can return the favor one day.

finding support through a surrogacy journey

this is one of those nights where sleep has eluded me, so insomnia you win. this also means that i have sat in the dark, alone with just my thoughts, because nick at nite needs to change their lineup. so i have been looking for more women like me. i know that they are out there, but apparently you have to know some secret handshake, because every time i apply to one of their groups i get told i am blocked. i have no idea what i have done to rank this banned status, frankly i have done nothing. this just makes me mad.
the majority of the support seems to revolve around the surrogates, which is great, but i need people too. my family and friends are wonderful, and they try so hard to be supportive and understand what this is like. just like i will never know what it feels like to be pregnant, they will never fully know what this feels like.
to all those who control access to your secret world of support:
i am not some crazy stalker, i am not trying to sell you anything, i am not a secret agent, i just need a place where people who know what this is like will listen to me from time to time. i will send you references, all my friends think that i am a good person. at times, rare though they may be, i have even been known to be insightful and supportive.
you would think that this would not be so difficult. i have read blogs of women who belong to these groups and they all seem nice enough. all i want is a place where i can talk about stuff and actually have people understand.
i know i sound pathetic at the moment, but i just can't take the rejection anymore. i was that kid no one wanted to play with, i have been the outcast and freak for so long, and 15 years after i had gotten over that, here i am again. only this time this is serious. these are real adult issues.
oh well, i have held my own before, and i have an amazing group of women who would walk through fire for me. honestly i could not ask for more understanding friends. i am amazed at this group of people who love me. i probably should not say this, but if i had to go through this with me i might have walked already.
over the past year i have become a crazy woman on one mission, to become a mother. my mom would tell you that i was born on that mission, and she would not be wrong. i have wanted a family from the moment i understood the concept. over the past year though there is an urgency, as compulsion, a drive to have a child to raise.
joebob asked me the other day why i wanted a child. my response was to look at him and shrug my shoulders. words can not be used to describe what i need, this is no mere want, i want to be a size 2, i need to be a mother. he wants to understand this, it is just a bit beyond his realm of comprehension. this in no way implies that he does not want a kiddo, he just is not compelled to have one. he gets just as crazy about this as i do, the other day he ordered baby clothes. i had no idea he even knew babies needed clothes, this is the man who wants a legal document absolving him from ever changing a diaper. but there they were, baby clothes, in baby sizes ordered by my husband, i know this because i asked for identification. then at the bottom of the box, baby bottles, bottles one would use to feed a baby, bought by joebob himself. i love this man.
with all the crap that infertility throws at you, there are also these small gifts. through this awful process, that tears me apart and makes me want to pull mine (and at times other peoples') hair out. i have fallen in love all over again with this man who has stood beside me through all of this. he may not understand why i am so crazy about this, he may get annoyed, feel pushed aside, and wonder who this woman is who ate his wife, but he is always supportive. i have heard people say that building a house will tear a couple apart, well constructing a domicile is nothing compared to constructing a child through surrogacy.

how surrogacy works

the primary reason that i started this blog was to get some information out there about surrogacy, from the viewpoint of an intended mother. in reading my posts, i realize that i have not done a very good job at meeting this objective. this process is very emotional and brings up issues that you never even thought existed. this post though is going to be about the process. so

fasten your seat belts, this is going to be a bumpy ride:

first, you have to become infertile, this can be voluntary or involuntary, and for the purposes of this discussion, it does not matter. in my situation it was being born with a bleeding disorder (von williband's disease) combined with polycystic ovarian syndrome.

this will give you the magic combination for marathon periods. at the age of 12, was hospitalized because my blood pressure was 60/40, i had my first blood transfusion and my first d&c at this time. i was put on 3 birth control pills a day, which after a couple of months quit working. lucky me got to graduate to estrogen and progesterone. by the time, i was 13 i was on the highest dose of estrogen made. i will not bore you with how terribly awful this is for a child, or anymore boring details. this whole process was repeated over and over, until i had had ENOUGH. i finally got to the point where i had no quality of life. therefore, at the age of 31 i had an endometrial ablation because i could not take another 3-6 month period and the hormones were making me so sick. this was the hardest and best decision i have ever made. this is not to say that there have not been moments when i worried that i had made a mistake. once i came back to reality though, i knew that there was no other option, and my quality of life has greatly improved.

once you have determined that you are unable to carry a child and are prepared to turn this over to someone else, you need to find people to help you navigate this minefield. this is a lot easier said than done, in my experience there is not a ton of information floating around. i am one of those people who trusts about 5 people on the whole planet and none of them could carry a baby for us. we have all heard the horror stories about surrogacy, and there is an element of risk inherent in this process just as there is in any endeavor. i hire people to do my taxes and take care of my lawn, so why would i not hire someone to guide us through this?

we had a false start with our first attempt to find an agency, but that is what happens when you are finding out how this works. the best advise i can give here is to do what feels right to you. emotions have to stay out of this, which i know is much easier said than actually done, but you have to try if you do not want to risk much worse emotional harm later. i would do anything to be a mother, except risking all that i own, or compromise my integrity.

remember you have never done this before so there is going to be a big learning curve. interview people, ask a ton of questions, and wait until you find someone who makes you feel comfortable. these people are going to make your pure will into a baby.

at the agency interview, you will be given a ton of information. i probably only remember about 5% of what we were told in this 4 hour meeting. nervous does not even come close to what i was feeling. take notes, and remember that you can always ask questions later, when you are not scared to death. most of what they go over is procedure, agency history, and a general overview of the process. then there are the questions that none of us really want to answer.

do you want to do amniocentesis?
if the results of the amniocentesis are not good, what actions will be taken?
in the case of high order multiples would you want selective reduction?
for me at this point i wanted to crawl under the table, who wants to think about these issues?

this is the point where you need to put on your big girl panties and be brutally honest. we all want to think that these issues will not affect us, but they do happen. in the perfect world, we would be immune from this and could deal with them only if they arise. here in the real world you are asked these questions so that you are matched with someone who has the same views as you. you should not feel judged by the answers you give. better to get over this part now than when it happens and you find out that you and the surrogate have different feelings.

next, there are all kinds of fertility tests, psychological evaluations, drug tests, and paperwork. the most difficult part of the paperwork for me has been putting together a profile. this is what prospective surrogates first see about you and your partner. i guess it is like putting together something for a dating service. personally, i have never used one of these services, but i imagine that is what it would be like, only about you as a couple. this part of the process is a lot like being in jr. high and liking a boy/girl. you pass notes through your friends (the agency) and a lot of worrying if they (the surrogate) are going to like you back.
this is as far as we have gotten, so the rest of this is what i have been told.

next, it is the big meeting. we will go with our agency representative to meet the surrogate and her partner in person. this is after we have all approved each other’s profiles. at our agency, this woman and her family will have been approved before we meet them. from what i have heard, this is not always the case. if we all agree to working with each other then we start drawing up the contracts. you learn fast that there are soooo many lawyers in this process, which is good b/c everyone needs to be protected as much as possible. there are so many pitfalls that spelling it all out is important.

at some point, she will become pregnant. here there are all kinds of numbers and terms i cannot even begin to understand. at this point, i am not concerned with them. chances are though if you have made it this far you have been through the fertility ringer, so the majority of this will not be unfamiliar; you are just adding another person. the one major difference is that you are going to have to synchronize your cycles so you go on birth control at the same time.

once she is pregnant, you will go to various doctor's appointments together, or at least talk to each other and the ob/gyn if you live far away. in a perfect world she would live down the street, in reality for us at least she will most likely live very far away. thankfully, they can now e-mail you the heartbeat and the sonograms, is not technology nifty.

depending on the laws of the state in which she lives, not where you live, remember this. the custody thing will work one of two ways, with possible variations. if your husband's DNA has been used, he gets to go on the birth certificate automatically. the law has not gotten to the point where they recognize the DNA of the egg, so the mother is going to have to adopt the baby regardless of whose DNA was used. this is a stepparent adoption so it is not the grueling process of a stranger adoption. you are going to have a simple home study, they are much easier when you are married to the father, and the surrogate will sign away her rights. just like any other adoption, you will be the parent with all the rights and responsibilities. this is where the variation comes in, some states will let you do this in the second tri-mester, or you will do this after the birth. the only real difference here is the timing.

at the hospital you will have this all worked out before, but you can be there for the birth. now here is the tricky part, you know those plastic bracelets; well in they come in 3 packs for maternity, 1 for the baby, 1 for the woman giving birth, and 1 for the partner. due to the high security of maternity wards, you will only be able to get the baby from the nursery with the magic bracelet. some facilities will give you and your family their own room provided there is an empty one. they are not going to leave some poor woman out in the hall to give birth just so you can coo over your baby in your own room. in this case it will make it easy, if not though whoever has the bracelet is going to have to be there to get the baby, or the surrogate is going to have to get the baby. all this really means is there will be little rest for the person with the bracelet.
now here is the part that makes many people uncomfortable. this is my opinion only!!! the amazing woman who has just given you the greatest gift in the whole world needs some time to say good-bye to this parasite she has been hosting for nine months. i have read some very sad stories about surrogates who felt pushed aside once the baby was born. i figure i have waited years to take my baby home, another 30 minutes is not going to hurt. some people worry that doing this is going to make her want to keep the baby, and in some cases, it might, but these women go into this knowing they are helping you have a baby. this is not like an adoption; in most cases, she does not have any biological connection. so please give her those moments, it is the least you can do, because there will never be anyway that you can thank her for what she has given you.

most people work out the level of contact they want after the birth. there are some people who go home and send a few pictures and cards and never talk again, and then there are others who become family. this is up to you and your surrogate, and you will know what feels right. chances are though it will not be what you thought you were going to do in the beginning.

who are the amazing women that are willing to lone you their bodies for well over nine months? our agency requires that they have at least one child and encourages them to be finished having children for themselves. women sometimes loose the ability to have more children during the course of pregnancy. you will have to pay extra if she looses her uterus, but no amount of money can replace her ability to have more children for herself. personally, i could not live with myself knowing this had happened, so that i could be given this amazing gift. economically, they have to be sound. i am not going to pretend that the money is not a nice bonus for these women, but it is not the primary reason that they are doing this, fact is they are not being paid that much for what they are doing. from what i have read many of these women have some personal experience with infertility in their family, or are just love their children so much that they can not imagine not helping someone have the same joy they get everyday.

this is what i know for now. it is a lot to take in all at once. this whole process is a lot to digest. remember this is your labor process. the way i see it, i may not be carrying this child in my body, but i have willed him/her/them into being, by my desire to bring them into this world.

lessons learned (2)

don't forget that your life is still happening: hubby and i went to dinner last night and in the course of our conversation he told me that i have become a woman obsessed by this process. it is so easy to make having a baby the center of your universe. the leap to making it all that you are, is more of a tiny hop than a leap. i try to keep a balance in my life, and usually fail. my personality lends itself to becoming consumed by things. you know that person that calls 15 times a day, until you finally pick up? well that is me.

hubby (who will now be referred to as joebob) said that he was feeling pushed aside already. i think that this is his biggest fear, about us, when it comes to having a kid. we have a relationship that is super focused on each other, we have friends, but 90% of the time it is us focused. our lives have been held together by strings at times, but we have always had each other. so how is it that this new life is going to fit? are we going to be those people who wake up one day and realize we no longer have anything in common? not if i have anything to say about it.

so now i have to focus on us and how we are going to make this all work. becoming parents is going to turn our little corner of the world upside down, there is nothing that will change that fact. we get to do this thing together, and there is no one in the world i would rather have this adventure with. i just have to remember that this is an addition to this incredible life we have made for ourselves.

infertility takes over your life, simple fact. i know soooo many people whose relationship fell apart when faced with the reality of infertility or childlessness. to us though, this is only a minor speed bump, we have been way more battered than this little thing. i just have to remember that it is we.

all too often i think that men get lost in this process. we think that b/c they get the "easy" tests that they don't suffer right along with us. fact is that they do, they pick us up when this is overwhelming, endure hours of endless babbling, feel all the disappointment, and are there through every moment. so, i have to learn to not forget that he is there and he deserves all my attention. i couldn't go through this alone, and it just isn't fair not to acknowledge that we are going through this as a couple.

so from now on i am going to remember that there is already this amazing, wonderful person in my life. even though he wants to use the stupid name of joebob, and pulls crazy stunts in target, i wouldn't change a thing; because he is also the man who held my hair while i vomited and he can just wrap his arms around me and reduce my pain. i can't imagine my life without him, craziness and all.

because the bookstore isn't big enough

today hubby and i go to our local chain bookstore to get frozen hot chocolate. it is steaming hot here and we wanted to cool off. in their intelligence, the idiots are not selling frozen hot chocolate, because "that is a fall and winter drink". hey moorons (southern for morons) fall and winter is when we want regular hot chocolate, summer is when the frozen variety would be appropriate. so i finally get over the disappointment, i realllly wanted my super yummy frozen hot chocolate. there is a 4 year old quality to my tunnel vision on this particular subject.

by this point genius hubby is now engrossed in a quest for a book he has not yet read; there are so few that he can spend hours searching. i on the other hand use books as sleeping pills, so i just read whatever it was he bought a few years ago. i am off on a quest to find a surrogacy book that i saw on amazon. okay, yes i know it is ridiculous to look in a southern bookstore for a book about something so distasteful, i might has well have been looking for a playboy.

i go up to the help counter, where some high school kid, whose parents made her get a job is standing two feet above me. this is to make her feel important or something that i don't begin to understand. now here is the question: do is ask for surrogacy and have to explain or fertility and get the dirty look because i am talking about S-E-X? i decide to go with fertility. "uhm those are back in the children's section."

really that is where you decided to put those, with all the books about children, pregnancy, and childbirth. you retched assholes are really going to make me walk through kiddie land to get to books about how i can't have children. wow, now that is some real planning on your part. you have an entire section, 12 whole rows of christian books, but you can't put the books on fertility and miscarriages anywhere else in the store.

i take this walk, the one through the death chamber, to look through the selection. of course the book i want isn't there and i knew it would not be, but i just had to check for the same reason people have to look at train wrecks.

i just wish people would use their brains for more than 30 seconds a day. then again just because you own a bookstore chain doesn't mean you are literate.

oh yeah BRING BACK MY FROZEN HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!

needless to say I came home and bought the book on amazon where they don't make me walk anywhere to find what i want. hubby bought a couple of books that he read years ago, so i guess he has forgotten what happens in the middle.

surrogacy update

the agency that we were so excited about turned out to not be what we were looking for. after a few months of back and forth, it was apparent that it just was not going to work. the really sad part is that when i wrote to tell them that we were not going to be able to make this work, the response was even more infuriating.

i felt that i outlined our position in a very easy to understand manner. i did this because they don't seem to understand anything over a first grade level. my main problem was being told that the director had "spent enough time on our case". for the life of me i still can not understand how they thought i would continue a business relationship with anyone who told me that they had spent enough time addressing my concerns. excuse me, but when i am the one paying the bills it is for me to say when i feel comfortable, and when they have spent enough time. then i was told that their contract was never questioned. really, no one has ever questioned your practices? they must have a mandate from god, that they didn't share with us.

surrogacy is a matter off putting trust, an incredible amount of trust, into others that they will do their jobs. i will ask a thousand questions, possibly the same one a few times, and i expect them to be answered. i am not being a bitch, i think that i am being a rational woman who is relying on others to have my child. if i was having the baby myself i would be asking questions. okay enough of this rant.

truly i am so lucky that there are people in this world who are willing to do this for me, and other couples. to anyone who has been a surrogate, donated an egg, or even thought of either one, THANK YOU!!!!!!!! there is nothing more noble, giving, or loving that i can think of in this world. if it had been possible for me to do this for someone else, i would have. as an adopted child i know first hand that giving people the chance to be parents, is the single greatest gift.

my husband and i have debated how to start our family for years. at one point we thought about me carrying, but that just became impossible. my medical issues just got so bad that i had no quality of life. it finally got to the point where i knew that once i became a mother i would not have the energy to enjoy all the amazing experiences. then we toyed with adoption, but i just could not go through the heartbreak if it did not work out. plus i wanted my husband to be able to have his own child. he has super genetics and the world should not be denied (this is my opinion only, he would die of embarrassment if he reads this {hun, if you are reading this BREATH}).

another major reason that surrogacy was right for us, is that i want to be my child's mother from the first minute he/she breaths air. i can't explain why this is important, not because i don't know, but because there just are not words to explain. that is the problem with writing about this process, so much of it is emotion, and very little is intellectual.

the problem with this is that you have to make so many decisions that emotions should be kept away from. there are all the legalities and priorities have to be made. no matter how badly i want this, i first have to protect myself legally as well as emotionally. which is so much easier said than done, when i have those days that a diaper comercial leads to hours of tears. thankfully i have my parents and husband who seem to be able to think straight when i can't. i just feel sorry for those who do not.

the worst nightmare

i dream every night, others have told me that this is weird, but then again i have never been "normal". i have had those nightmares where i wake up screaming, usually b/c there are rats running around. though last night i woke up crying, sobbing, balling my eyes out and i could not stop even thirty minutes after waking. i dreamed that my husband choked on a big brown cracker and died. i am getting choked up just writing this. i am happy to report that he is healthy, happy and reading to me about a 5 pound bacon sampler.

my biggest fear, even bigger than never being a mother, is loosing him. i spent three years between high school and us getting back together, not knowing if he was alive, or where in the world he was, and i can't imagine not having him here. someone once told me that we have a symbiotic relationship, and she was right. it isn't that we both don't have our own lives (i barely understand what he is saying when he talks about work) but all of my experiences are less rich until i share them with him. i am one of those lucky women who is truely married to her best friend. we were best friends for 3 years, at one point the thought of a romantic relationship was soooo forgien.

to this day, after 9 years of living together, i still look over at him and have to pinch myself. the idea of never being able to do that again truely is my worst nightmare, and i hope that i never really have to live through that. i take it for granted that i have him here everyday. at 4:37 this morning though the sound of him breathing was the most beautiful sound in the world.

adventures

this is me and my papa. he died when i was 17, and there still isn't a day when i don't think about him. one of my most vivid memories of him, is watching nature shows. i hated them, and when i asked why i had to watch him, he would say, "Miss America, one day you are going to marry a doctor, and when he takes you to Africa, you need to know what you are looking at."

this is me in kenya, where my husband grew up, christmas 2004. i swear i am not usually this adventurous. my husband makes me do these things. without him there are so many adventures i would never have.