Hurting

there is only one thing i have wanted since i was small - a family. i have been married for seven years to the most wonderful man in the world. he has the ability to drive me crazy like no other human being, he also has the ability to make me happier than any other person on the planet. so now all that is missing is a child.

two years ago i made the decision to have an uterine ablation, b/c my bleeding disorder caused me to have marathon periods (6 months being the record). so in order to preserve my sanity i voluntarily gave up the chance to carry my own child. i also have PCOS so getting pregnant was going to involve fertility treatments.

fast forward to now and we are starting to work with a surrogacy agency, which is only slightly less terrifying than a brazilian wax (not that i would ever have one, i am way too much of a chicken).

so you ask why am i hurting? other than being afraid that this is not going to work and we will be out of options (yes i know that you can adopt, you are reading the rant of an adopted child). i am a control freak, not that i knew this until a few years ago, i suspect that everyone around me did and i guess they just forgot to mention it. this is not a process that i can micro manage and i actually have to trust that other people are going to do their jobs and keep their promises. this is not something that i am good at. then there is the fact that everyone who comes within two feet of me are popping out children like pez dispensers. (to any of these friends you know that i am so happy for you, adore your children and in no way do i think of you as pez related products) everytime i look at a baby i want to cry and everytime i start to cry i feel guilty. i have an amazing life, and i am so lucky to have all these amazing people in it, each and every one of whom i would do anything to make their lives better.

i my heart i know that this is all going to work out, i just wish i could make my brain believe my heart, they are having trouble communicating an will be seeing a relationship councelor in the near future.