Friday, May 9, 2008

my mommy taught me to say please

there are just some things that you don't do to others. i am by no means the most ethical person in the world, and i know that there are plenty of people i have treated badly in my life. the one thing that i have always tried to do was never to add to someone's pain, and i have never taken advantage of someone just because they are emotionally vulnerable. it is the most disgusting thing that you can do, in my book it ranks up there with treating children badly. people who are emotionally vulnerable need protection, not that i am asking to be handled with kid gloves. currently i am feeling that because i am unwilling to blindly hand over everything i own to have a child, i am being viewed as an irritant. i am being told that i just need to do this, and hundreds of others have so why would i have a problem. my problem is that i have a brain, and it works, and i know better than to just trust what someone says (especially when what they are asking me to sign explicitly excludes what they say as legally binding). all i want is to be treated like i am important, and not be told that someone, whose salary i am helping to pay, has spent enough time working on my requests and that if any more time has to be spent i will be paying an additional fee. this to me is just insane, if this is what it takes to make me comfortable, then this is what it takes. this is a situation where anything can happen, and let's just say that the worse does happen, am i going to be told that enough time has been spent on me, and i am just going to have to deal with the fact that my child is being hurt. i am just angry, and i feel like nothing i say matters, i am just supposed to sit here and keep my mouth shut. just because i don't have another choice, i just have to live with whatever they want to shove down my throat. well i don't just give up that easy and i will not be forced into this, i have spent too much of my life having to cower in fear of what will happen if i don't play along, and that is not going to happen again.
i know that i always go to the worse case scenario, but when trying to navigate this minefield, i think that going to the worse case is the best thing to do. i want this to be a great experience for everyone, and i want this to all go smoothly, but i also need to make sure that i protect myself. this is where my split personality really does serve me well. most people meet my southern bell, who will lay down on a grenade if that is what it takes to keep the peace, it isn't until you push too hard that the yankee bitch rears her ugly head, and it is time to watch out. i can't really control her, and she is fierce, she is the part of me who will take your head off if you dare to threaten my family, or attempt to stand in my way.
i just keep telling myself that this is going to all work out, and hopefully it will. i just can't even let myself think what will happen if it doesn't. all i do know for sure is that i have these amazing people surrounding me, and i love all of you. at the end of the day i know that i am loved more than most, and that no matter what happens, they will all be there to support me. i love all of you, and i couldn't weather this without you.