the worst nightmare

i dream every night, others have told me that this is weird, but then again i have never been "normal". i have had those nightmares where i wake up screaming, usually b/c there are rats running around. though last night i woke up crying, sobbing, balling my eyes out and i could not stop even thirty minutes after waking. i dreamed that my husband choked on a big brown cracker and died. i am getting choked up just writing this. i am happy to report that he is healthy, happy and reading to me about a 5 pound bacon sampler.

my biggest fear, even bigger than never being a mother, is loosing him. i spent three years between high school and us getting back together, not knowing if he was alive, or where in the world he was, and i can't imagine not having him here. someone once told me that we have a symbiotic relationship, and she was right. it isn't that we both don't have our own lives (i barely understand what he is saying when he talks about work) but all of my experiences are less rich until i share them with him. i am one of those lucky women who is truely married to her best friend. we were best friends for 3 years, at one point the thought of a romantic relationship was soooo forgien.

to this day, after 9 years of living together, i still look over at him and have to pinch myself. the idea of never being able to do that again truely is my worst nightmare, and i hope that i never really have to live through that. i take it for granted that i have him here everyday. at 4:37 this morning though the sound of him breathing was the most beautiful sound in the world.