Tuesday, June 24, 2008

finding support through a surrogacy journey

this is one of those nights where sleep has eluded me, so insomnia you win. this also means that i have sat in the dark, alone with just my thoughts, because nick at nite needs to change their lineup. so i have been looking for more women like me. i know that they are out there, but apparently you have to know some secret handshake, because every time i apply to one of their groups i get told i am blocked. i have no idea what i have done to rank this banned status, frankly i have done nothing. this just makes me mad.
the majority of the support seems to revolve around the surrogates, which is great, but i need people too. my family and friends are wonderful, and they try so hard to be supportive and understand what this is like. just like i will never know what it feels like to be pregnant, they will never fully know what this feels like.
to all those who control access to your secret world of support:
i am not some crazy stalker, i am not trying to sell you anything, i am not a secret agent, i just need a place where people who know what this is like will listen to me from time to time. i will send you references, all my friends think that i am a good person. at times, rare though they may be, i have even been known to be insightful and supportive.
you would think that this would not be so difficult. i have read blogs of women who belong to these groups and they all seem nice enough. all i want is a place where i can talk about stuff and actually have people understand.
i know i sound pathetic at the moment, but i just can't take the rejection anymore. i was that kid no one wanted to play with, i have been the outcast and freak for so long, and 15 years after i had gotten over that, here i am again. only this time this is serious. these are real adult issues.
oh well, i have held my own before, and i have an amazing group of women who would walk through fire for me. honestly i could not ask for more understanding friends. i am amazed at this group of people who love me. i probably should not say this, but if i had to go through this with me i might have walked already.
over the past year i have become a crazy woman on one mission, to become a mother. my mom would tell you that i was born on that mission, and she would not be wrong. i have wanted a family from the moment i understood the concept. over the past year though there is an urgency, as compulsion, a drive to have a child to raise.
joebob asked me the other day why i wanted a child. my response was to look at him and shrug my shoulders. words can not be used to describe what i need, this is no mere want, i want to be a size 2, i need to be a mother. he wants to understand this, it is just a bit beyond his realm of comprehension. this in no way implies that he does not want a kiddo, he just is not compelled to have one. he gets just as crazy about this as i do, the other day he ordered baby clothes. i had no idea he even knew babies needed clothes, this is the man who wants a legal document absolving him from ever changing a diaper. but there they were, baby clothes, in baby sizes ordered by my husband, i know this because i asked for identification. then at the bottom of the box, baby bottles, bottles one would use to feed a baby, bought by joebob himself. i love this man.
with all the crap that infertility throws at you, there are also these small gifts. through this awful process, that tears me apart and makes me want to pull mine (and at times other peoples') hair out. i have fallen in love all over again with this man who has stood beside me through all of this. he may not understand why i am so crazy about this, he may get annoyed, feel pushed aside, and wonder who this woman is who ate his wife, but he is always supportive. i have heard people say that building a house will tear a couple apart, well constructing a domicile is nothing compared to constructing a child through surrogacy.


heidi said...

I found your blog and i found it very heart felt and true. I am an im right now and am going through this process, what a journey. I didnt go through an agency, met a friend thru a friend and it has been great ever since. if you need to talk or ask questions i am here. Heidi. hthompson70@cox.net

Sharon said...

Hi! I read some of your blog and just wanted to say that if you would like to chat sometime or exchange e-mails, I am willing to listen to your concerns and maybe share a story or two. You can read about me on my blog(Link below) and visit my website which may answer some questions for you.

I wish you all the very best!

Sharon LaMothe
Infertility Answers, Inc.